Disney Bros And Princess Woes

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Marilyn Monroe once said, “It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous, than absolutely boring.” Couldn’t agree more Mar, but we should bear in mind this comes from a woman who died of a drug overdose.

Despite opening this entry with a quote from Ms. Monroe, I don’t consider myself a cliché person (but is that cliché in and of itself? I did Pinterest a picture of expensive ribbon this morning...oh Thin Mint Cookie God, I’m confused now. I might need to re-evaluate, anyways).

No story you’re going to be talking about 10 years down the road will conform to “textbook” standards, yet I aspire towards a happily ever after Disney- everything- works- out- and -you -get everything- you- want cliché ending.

From what I gather from Pinterest, aside from the fact that seed filled Mason jars are a must this wedding season, is that I’m not the only girl pining over this Disney lifestyle. Hell, Pinterest is the Mecca for cliché aficionados. Pinterest houses boards that might as well be titled “Stuff I want you to buy for me,” “My Castle,” “High End Luxury Items for my Future Castle of A House,” “My Wedding Planned to the Nines,” and “Fun Things to Do with Mason Jars.”

And ladies, who wouldn’t love a horse drawn carriage ride through Central Park? Sure, this idea is as original as seed filled Mason jars at weddings. But yet, I’m not alone in my lust for this romantic scene where the first snow falls lightly on the bare trees. “because life isn’t about the number of breaths you take - it’s about the number of moments that take your breath away.” - Pinterest Quote.

But this scene took a lot more breath away while I was still naive to the animal cruelty that takes place for my 30 minute rom-com moment. The realities of every girl getting everything she ever wanted in life are few and far between. There are only 3 princes I know of, and two of them recently got wifed up. (In case you’re wondering about the third, I count Alec Baldwin as royalty).

Where did this pre-orientation to be whisked away in a horse drawn carriage stem from? Let’s note that in all other aspects of NYC living, everything is streamlined. I need to power walk like an Olympian (Race Walk - an Olympic sport FYI) to get to Urban Outfitters. And while I’m there, I need the agility and finesse of a gazelle as I hop from rack to rack in search of the perfect going out attire.

It is guaranteed that I will be out of there in 20 minutes flat. Yet, this horse and carriage scene is about the slowest form of transport after a pedi-cab in New York City, deeming it completely inefficient and selfish all for a 30 minute rom-com moment. Oh and where did this idea come from.....oh right, right… Cinderella… Cinderella!

And here we go...

Peter Pan

Attempted Message: Always keep the kid inside of you alive, it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

20 Years Later: It’s ok to open your bedroom “window” at any point in the night to “fly away” with a guy who never wants to grow up.

Peter is our Disney version of the modern day bro; you can’t hate him for his flaws. Rather, you love him for them. He’s our not-a-care-in-the-world, bad boy who’s always down for a party and never fails to roll deep with his crew of fellow bros--or what Disney calls, “Lost Boys.”

Here we see Peter glide up to Wendy’s window with the swagger of Rico Suave at an obscure hour in the night and charm her with his playfulness. “I can fly,” says Peter, as he then whisks her away to Never Land, as in this is never going to happen land. Have you ever gone from 2AM booty call to meaningful relationship?

It was fun in the moment, but let’s call a spade a spade; he came over and bolted as soon as the fun came to a close and things got serious, because he doesn’t want to grow up. You text him the next couple of days, but you don’t hear from him, because he’s with the lost boys. Either that or he found his “Tiger Lily,” the younger, more exotic girl--aka girl he hasn’t slept with—of the week.

Cinderella

Attempted Message: Rags to Riches; it’s the personality that will glow brightest of all.

20 Years Later: Some large amount of money will come out of nowhere to finance the life you always dreamed of, so don’t sweat it.

It wasn’t just the horse and carriage scene that provided me with false hope, but that Fairy Godmother concept.

I’ve been saying “Bibiddi Bobbidy Boo,” since the day I graduated college and I’m still patiently waiting on my Fairy Godmother (FGM) to appear out of thin air to handle my finances.

“A dream is a wish the heart makes,” I was once told, and if “you have faith in your dreams, someday, your rainbow will come shining through.” So where the F is my shining rainbow, my FGM/Disney metaphor for a trust-fund to elevate my debt from college and finance my addiction to a lifestyle I cannot afford that involves YSL Lipstick, a Montauk share house & an array Rebecca Minkoff colorful purses.

I haven’t lost faith because C also told me “No matter how your heart—or, more aptly put, bank account--is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true.” I’m wishing on this dream with all of my heart, and I am still believing while holding out for my Cinderella moment as I make an assistant salary and live in New York City—somehow continuing to live a Stella lifestyle on a Natty Ice budget.

At least I’m not the only one who was disillusioned by the Fairy Godmother concept, or what America likes to call China. America, say it with me now.... “Bibiddi Bobbidy Boo,” you still in debt? Damn, me too.

Lady and the Tramp

Attempted Message: You can love a poor man as much as you can love a rich man.

20 Years Later: Don’t hate the player, hate the game; it’s okay to lower your standards.

Need I say more past the title of this film? Here we see Lady, who comes from an aristocratic background, meet a fellow off the streets who she proceeds to break out of the house for. This Casanova’s name is Tramp, who has a best friend named Jock, which jogs my memory of the most popular guys in high school. And we all know our thoughts on these guys, but who didn’t sneak out for them? It was so cool!

Tramp takes a perfectly good girl and seduces her with his bad boy image, convincing her to break the rules as they proceed to get caught by the Pound—arrested, in human terms-- on their night on the town. At the pound Lady, finds out that Tramp has numerous girlfriends. Cue plot twist!

A character named Tramp is a player... That shocked me as much as Paula Dean’s diabetes diagnosis. In the end, Lady and Tramp live happily ever after. I mean, I ain’t sayin’ he’s a golddigger, but he ain’t messin’ with no broke ladies.

The Little Mermaid

Attempted Message: Love conquers all.

20 years later: Give up what you love, for who you love. Always want more.

Ariel disobeys her father and shrugs off advice from her peers in order to be with the man she loves, who she only met for about 5 minutes. Impulsive much? Now, I’ve certainly shrugged off advice from my girls and gone ahead and sent that 3AM love confession text, only to shutter at the lack of response thinking, “why didn’t I listen?”

Are you ever happy when you buy that Snickers bar while waiting in line at the grocery store? Nope, because one knows better than to trust impulses. But as much as Paula Dean knows not to eat her Twinkie Pie, she is still going to do it, because impulses are sometimes as inevitable as Twinkie Pie.

Not only that, but our leading lady gives up what she loves--her voice and ability to sing--and makes a deal with the devil in order to obtain the impossible, becoming an entirely different species. Therefore, sacrificing what she loved for who she loved. And Eric couldn’t even man up to kiss the fucking girl after she gave up her voice, family and everything she knew for him, because of a seductive temptress distracting him with her exotic, dark, and mysterious ways. (We all know this bitch).

Let's also note how batshit this is on Ariel's part. Think about the times that you've given up your social life to be all up in his world, sacrificing your plans to be a part of his (She sings a song about it; think how crazy you would be if you did this.)

By giving up her voice, family and overall world to be "Part of his World," Ariel has killed independent Eric, which is probably why he didn't kiss her. He realized their worlds were colliding. Clearly, Ariel doesn't know George Costanza's "World's Collide Theory". You’ve got to keep your worlds apart.

Not to mention, Ariel is a bit greedy, as the lyrics go, “But who cares, no big deal, I want more.” This sea-babe has a killer bod, family that loves her--not to mention a father that is a King--and so many material goods she needs offsite storage property, but obviously needs more.

This explains the root of my delusional Pinterest boards, where along with cliché quotes on love, people pin pictures of owning their own Greek island, Rob Pinterest (Seriously, Kristen Stewart?), and marrying Prince William (Wonder where that idea came from…).

For all our damsels, it always works out and everyone lives blissfully with everything one could desire, despite chasing the bad boy. Maybe these movies are the platform that my unrealistic love story is built on. But hey, The Notebook is based on a true story, right? And as Carrie Bradshaw stated, after reading Cinderella to the hopeful young heart of Lily, “another one bites the dust.”

I bit that fairy dust. Hell, I still taste that fairy dust. It tastes a lot like Pop Rocks, actually--unexpected pops of flavor mixed with moments of dullness. I’ll be watching He’s Just Not That Into You to remind myself of reality. Oh, wait; “Crazy” Gigi gets the guy in the end too. Hey, Girls! Good news. I guess it always works out and I’ve learned nothing. Prince Harry isn’t wifed up yet, is he? Call me!

Melanie Owens | Elite.