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Why I'd Rather Go Through A Devastating Heartbreak Than An Amicable Breakup

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Breakups suck, right? We've all been there, done that. We've had our fair share of relationship woes, and I'm pretty sure the majority of us will agree there's no real winner when a relationship ends.

I can say – without a doubt – that while I've been the dumper at some point in my past, being the dumpee is much worse. It sucks even more when you've been wronged, cheated on or lied to.

Right now, however, I wish I could be a scorned woman. I wish I could be angry and pissed off like Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift and Beyoncé. But, I can't be that woman, the one who can hit a punching bag while she envisions her ex's face. That's because my breakup wasn't ugly or heartbreaking; it was amicable.

This means there was an agreement between both parties that the relationship as a whole was not working. While we still loved each other, we agreed we couldn't be together anymore.

It's more complex than that, of course. It could have been the distance, the communication or the time constraints that come with two adults living separate lives in different states. I think I could focus on any of those. I could break them down enough to find something to scream about.

But no, that's not it. The total of all those things is what resulted in our demise, and we took responsibility for that. What poetry, right? How Shakespearean is it that we both still care for each other?

There's no real drama. There's no story. There's no epic meltdown or fight. There's nothing.

Call me crazy, but I'd rather have the drama than the ambivalence I've been feeling for the past few weeks. I'm not used to a "mutual" breakup. I could write you a list of every assh*le I've dated and every emotion I've felt, from rage to anger to hate.

Now, I'm just OK. There's something tragic about feeling so "adult." I'm used to heightened emotions. I want to say, "Woe is me," and "I was scorned."

I can't say those things this time. To be honest, it's completely frustrating. I don't know what to feel.

Anger is comfortable. It's easy to channel and express. But, explaining you still wish the best for your ex isn't.

Telling someone, "It just wasn't working" is hard to explain and articulate, especially when that statement is followed with a "Why?" It's weird and uncomfortable to be in control of how I feel, but I'm secure in knowing we both made the right decision.

I think it really comes down to knowing we made a choice. Sure, there may have been actions or choices between us that pushed each other away. But, the end wasn't due to one person's singular action or mishap.

Being amicable with an ex at age 25 may be unheard of for some, but I'm happy knowing I at least had a partner who respected our relationship enough to meet me halfway.

Even if I'm uncomfortable with the lack of emotion I feel, this type of breakup is overall better for my mental and emotional health. I know it's way better than the long-term damage that occurs when someone really hurts you, even if this in-between phase is still confusing for me right now. I know he loved me, and I know what we had was real, even though it didn't last.

That's all anyone can really ask for, isn't it?