Who hasn't had moments of doubt in their relationship? No one. In fact, it would be pretty strange if you didn't have the occasional bout of uncertainty. It's called self-reflection and is a healthy way to take a beat and make sure you are addressing all of your needs. However, if you begin to find your mind filled with a constant stream of concerns, it's probably time to take a good, long look at your relationship. There are some deep questions to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend that, when answered honestly, will go a long way toward helping to make things more clear.
The place to start, however, is with yourself. Are you happy? Do you see yourself with this person when you picture the future? If not, why? Before you talk to your partner, you really need to know where you stand first, not only because you may get the answers you need right away (saving you a potentially awkward conversation), but because you need to know where your head is at in order to know if their answers satisfy your needs fully. Only once you've checked in with yourself should you take the next step to see where your partner is at and if they are having the same uncertainty.
But starting a conversation like this is always hard, so I have kindly laid out four questions to help you get started asking the big ones.
What Does Your Future Look Like?
This one is a biggie. One of the best ways to know if you're in the right relationship is if the future your partner paints for themselves is one you want any part of. If they say they see themselves settled down with 2.5 kids in the suburbs and your dream is to live in an RV and travel around looking for the weirdest roadside attractions, then you're probably not with the right partner. Knowing how partner imagines their future will give you a ton of insight into not only their goals, but their values. Goals may change over time, but values are fairly static, so if you see a mismatch there you should probably should get started on your exit strategy.
What Is It About Me That You Love?
This isn't about navel-gazing or fishing for compliments; it's about getting a clear picture of what your partner appreciates in you. Do they only prize shallow things like your looks, which will inevitably change over time, or are they drawn to core traits that not only make you compatible, but mean that your partner sees and appreciates what makes you, you?
We all really want to be seen and loved for who we are, and if your partner is that person, they may be the one. If not, well, I think you know where this going.
Are You Truly Happy In Our Relationship?
Everyone has ups and downs. Life throws obstacles your way, and people have moods. This question isn't about the day-to-day, but about the general trend. Are they happy generally when you are together? Are they fulfilled and satisfied? If not, what would need to change for them to be happy? If the changes are reasonable, then there is definitely hope for the relationship, but sometimes, despite all the best intentions, people are just incompatible. You want to be with someone who makes your life better, encourages the best in you, and makes you feel emotionally and physically secure. If one or both of you falls short of feeling that way, it's a big sign post reading “exit ahead.”
Where Do You See This Relationship Going?
You've talked about their vision for the future, but this question is all about if they actually see you as a part of it long-term. If you realize that they aren't factoring you in, it may be that they don't envision this relationship going the distance, or they aren't particularly interested in taking your wants and desires into consideration. Not great.
This is always a tricky question to ask because it can also be perceived as pressure, and that could make your partner nervous and pull back. But honestly, if you're on the fence about the relationship, and they're afraid or unable to answer serious questions about your future, well, that's a pretty solid sign, in and of itself, that they're not the one.
These are the big questions. But they are ones that you shouldn't have to compromise on. If you do, you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment in the future. If you discover your partner isn't on the same page as you, then it's time to let go and make yourself available to find someone who is.
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