Finding love is pretty hard on its own out in the real world, but when you have to resort to a ton of dating apps, it just becomes a complete pain in the ass.
And believe it or not, aesthetically pleasing profiles are usually the ones that lead you to the worst possible outcome.
I've swiped right plenty of times, crossing my butt hairs that this was it, that their looks would match their intellect, and by the time we reached date four, I'd give myself a well-deserved pat on the back.
Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Why can't guys just be normal?
So because people are never who they seem, I've become really picky, and I've weeded out anyone whose profile signals a red flag in my brain. I have a zero tolerance policy for bullshit.
Curious what those things are? Here, you'll find the four things in your dating profile I will immediately swipe left on:.
You're afraid to give me a smile.
I'm not one for always showing teeth, but if you aren't smiling in any of your photos, I'll immediately think you have zero sense of humor.
That... or you may be a serial killer. I'm not sure which one is worse, though.
I want someone who looks like they're fun to hang around, not someone extremely uptight with a dick up their ass all the time. (Wait until a few dates for that.)
It's pearly whites or no dice for me.
There's one too many mirror selfies.
Let's get real. If you take a shirtless selfie, and you have a daaaaaamn good body, I'm going to swipe right.
As much as I criticize anyone who flaunts their chiseled abs, I just envy you in reality... and I want to bang you.
But when it comes to mirror selfies, that's a whole other story.
Have you taken no pictures alone? A candid headshot perhaps? I want to see your beautiful face in your natural habitat, not your dirty bathroom reflection.
Taking shots in the mirror just makes you come off self-centered and, frankly, a little lazy.
Your profile is flooded with only group photos.
There's nothing more frustrating than landing on someone's profile, only to have to sort through a million faces to figure out which one this person is.
Coming from someone with undiagnosed ADD, the amount of time I spend on one profile is extremely minimal. Also, if I pick the wrong guy, only to find out you're his mediocre friend next to him, I'm already utterly disappointed.
And that's no way to start a potential relationship.
Ain't nobody got time to play “Where's Waldo?” Next, please.
Your name is so odd, I could never picture myself saying it.
Call it a personal preference, but there's something about obscure names that are instant boner killers for me.
You could be so pretty, but if your name is something like Jurgen (yes, similar to the lotion) or Thanos (yes, like the Marvel super villain), then I don't know if I can take you seriously.
Introducing you to my family and friends would be kind of embarrassing. Not to mention, saying your name during sex would be completely out the question.
And where's the fun in that?
So anyway, cute, beautiful-teethed, selfie-less men named Chris, Matt or Tom... you know where to find me.