If You Think Your Date Is Going Terribly, It’s Probably Going Well

“I can’t get no -- dun dun dun dun -- satis-fac-tion!”

A boy and I managed to sing our way through an entire cab ride that trailed from New York’s Meatpacking District to the tail end of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Well, he was the one mostly singing. I tried to keep up in between bouts of uncontrollable laughter. With him, I felt like I could be myself, not a diluted version of myself and not a version of myself that aimed to please.

I was the real, raw, creepy-to-someone-who-isn’t-into-me-but-endearing-to-someone-who-is-into-me, me.

Other than Zara’s end-of-the-year blowout sale, that melodically charged evening was the most fun I’d had in… I can’t remember how long. But when I awoke the next morning, I couldn't figure out if my obvious compatibility with him meant he was “The One” or if it simply meant we should be good friends.

There’s a gaping difference between the kind of effortlessness that comes with a romantic connection and the kind of effortlessness that comes when you could become great friends. And yet those two states of mind are too easily confused.

Feeling confident might mean you like him and he makes you feel like you could be your full self around him, but it could also mean you aren't nervous enough around him to have him be anything more than the guy friend to whom you talk about the guy you're really crushing on.

Does being comfortable mean you’re meant to be, or does it mean you just don’t care?

Despite how much fun I had with the singing boy, I couldn’t help but wonder if I really liked the singing boy, if I merely liked singing with the singing boy or if I liked the girl I was when I was with the singing boy.

Sometimes, the better your date is going, the more likely it won’t turn into anything special. Maybe you need those terrible, inconsolable moments of the night to actually signify your man of the night could really be the man of your dreams.

Here are some things that seem like your date is going poorly that actually mean it’s going well.

If you don’t f*ck him on the first date, it’s going well.

Sex dictates everything: We're having it, thinking about it or trying to get it. And considering going home with a guy after finding out not much more than what he likes to do on weekends isn't an indication you're looking to keep him around for the long haul, it's an indication you want him for the night, and only the night.

But if you’re planning which date you’re going to have sex with him on because you’re hoping his man-parts will match the enthralling conversation, it’s going well.

If you’re overanalyzing your dinner choices for more than 15 minutes, it’s going well.

I don’t know about you, but when I really like a guy, I turn into a typical girly-girl: the one who orders a salad instead of making the rookie mistake of ordering a burger because she’s afraid of getting food on her face.

If you're diving into your lobster in full beast mode, you probably aren't concerned with how you look in front of him, which means you probably don't picture him having your babies.

If you’re hammered, and you try really hard to stay composed, it’s going well.

At times, I’ve had to make the conscious decision to drink less to come off as the exact opposite of a thirsty slore.

I know in real life we ladies aim to be that film noir sexy drunk, but the unfortunate truth is it's rare we actually become sexier the more we drink. We become sloppy, DTF messes.

If he challenges you on a topic you’re adamant about, it’s going well.

Your date should serve as an entryway to wisdom, not a doormat to hell. There should be a seamless conversational flow, but that doesn't mean the conversation should be boring AF, it means there should be arguments and counterarguments.

He should fulfill the role of devil's advocate the entire night.

If he's eating up everything you say, he's only going to get more boring as your relationship progresses.

If you don’t ask him a question you already know the answer to, it’s going well.

Ladies, getting prepared for that date isn’t as simple as clipping your toenails and powdering your nose. It also means becoming a pro at perusing all his social media platforms in the days leading up to the date.

You know this just as well as I do. To be considered his potential girlfriend, you need to already have known the following: where he met his most recent ex, when exactly they broke up and what color shoes that hoe was wearing on January 14, 2013 at 3:02 PM (according to the only picture she has on her Facebook that's f*cking public).

Basically, if you can't pick every one of his exes out in a lineup, move on. He isn't your guy.

If you opted for a cute and chic outfit instead of a sleek and sexy one, it’s going well.

There are two types of girls in this world: the “she’s-so-hot-I’d-f*ck-the-sh*t-out-of-her” girl and the “she’s-the-kind-of-girl-I’d-marry-someday” girl.

If you’re looking to get the most out of your date, you want to be the latter -- and what you’re wearing speaks volumes about what you want.

You want the tunic made out of boyfriend material -- you know, so he considers you girlfriend material.

If your lipstick comes off, and you go to bathroom and reapply it, it’s going well.

Comfortability shouldn’t mean complacency. There’s a fine line, but that doesn’t mean you should cross it.

Comfortability means an uncontrived date, but it also means being concerned with looking like a hot, f*ckable vixen every second of the night. If you don't care about subjecting him to kissing your chapped-ass lips, he is NOT the one.

If you’re stumbling over your every word, then you might be falling in love.

Look, if the guy you’re seeing isn’t making your heart stop with the cute-but-weird way he says "tomatoes," he just isn't doing it for you. He might just be friend material.

It's OK to have your boyfriend double as your best friend, but that doesn't mean every guy friend should be your boyfriend.