No Hard Feelings: How To Make A Seamless Exit After A One-Night Stand

Tell me if you can relate: You and your buddies go to your favorite bar. You see a cute woman and say hello. The two of you hit it off, start making out and end up back at your place for a night of fun.

The next morning, you wake up with her arm slung across your chest, and you think, last night was awesome, but I got sh*t to do. How can I get out of this without looking like a total douche?

This situation used to completely throw me off. (And believe me, if you think she’s not at least a little bit concerned about how to handle the situation, you’re wrong!)

Time and practice have taught me there are two ways to handle this situation with tact:

The Suit-a-Roo

(Aka, “pretend not to be a douche, while actually still being a douche, but it doesn’t matter because you’ll probably never see her again anyway.”)

This is the best option when the night was purely about a physical connection. If you haven’t exchanged much dialogue — and it was one of those electrifying drunken hookups, sans rapport — I use the trusty old suit-a-roo tactic.

Here is how it goes: Lights up on a cozy bedroom, morning light just beginning to filter in through the windows. She sleeps peacefully with a slight smile across her lips. He blinks his eyes open and takes a deep breath.

Sure, he appreciates the situation (Who wouldn’t?), but now it’s morning. He has to get her out of his room so he’s not entertaining her all day.

With sudden intensity, he jumps out of bed, looking frazzled. She wakes up, confused.

He cries out: "Oh crap! Oh my god, I’m late for a meeting!" He begins to throw on a suit and tie. She jumps out of bed as well, and begins gathering her things.

As he's lacing up his leather shoes, he says, "I’m so sorry. I’m late for this meeting. Here, take some money for an Uber."

He rides down the elevator with her and kisses her goodbye as she steps into the Uber.

He waves to her as the car sweeps her away, does a lap around the block (just in case she’s somehow watching), goes right back up to his bedroom, takes off the suit and goes back to bed.

Voila! The suit-a-roo.

The Honest Version

Typically, these days I’m very honest and direct with my one-night stands. Any woman who sleeps with me on the first night probably knows what she’s gotten herself into.

She knows I’m a dating coach, and she knows I do these sorts of things frequently. Maybe someday, it could be something serious, but it certainly hasn’t gone that direction in the traditional sense.

If I’ve been this honest with her up until now, the situation will go more like this:

Lights up on a cozy bedroom, morning light is just beginning to filter in through the windows. She sleeps peacefully with a slight smile across her lips. He blinks his eyes open and takes a deep breath.

He certainly appreciates the situation, and when he looks down at her, he smiles to himself. She stirs, and they probably have sex again because he has mad morning wood.

Afterward, he says with a smile:

Well, I got a bunch of sh*t to do, and that means it’s time for you to kick rocks. However, I’ll get your Uber so you can tell your friends I was only an 86 percent asshole.

She smiles at how direct he is; she’s not surprised he’s asking her to leave because she knows exactly who he is. They part ways amicably, and likely get together the following week.

No one could ever be upset with you for being honest. If you've been direct and upfront, she’s not going to be offended. She’ll understand.

At the very least, if she’s a little upset or offended, it’s not going to hurt your chances of seeing her again.

If anything, your honesty will improve your chances and make her want you more.