I can be a hater. When something is super popular, I am prone to rejecting it prematurely like some little hipster wannabe. Not a point of pride, but definitely a thing I've done.
Then, I saw Wonder Woman. Woah. Why was it so good? Why was I tearing up even when the battle scenes were a tiny bit cheesy? Why isn't Chris Pine my boyfriend?
Let's be real. Gal Gadot's take on Wonder Woman is #goals. Badass, brave, and brilliant while being empathetic and pure of heart. She's also the prettiest person in the world, so there's that.
But my favorite part of Wonder Woman was hands down her "lasso of truth." It's basically a magical golden rope that compels the truth out of anyone it's tied around. Talk about a superpower I'd actually want. (Keep your webs, Spidey. I'm afraid of heights and the whole visual is too ejaculation-adjacent for me, anyway.)
For those of you who haven't see the movie: Imagine a bunch of super strong women grilling Chris Pine for answers about where the eff he came from, since they're on a remote island where men are straight up non-existent. When he tries to fudge the truth, the glowing rope tightens, and bam — he makes a face like he's about to "O" and spills his guts.
Initial reaction: Chris Pine is so fine I would pay money for him to ghost me, because that would mean we communicated at least one time.
Subsequent reaction: I want one.
If I had a lasso of truth, here are six things I'd ask my exes:
1. But Do You Really Like My Outfit?
I'm not the best at taking compliments. I have definitely said, "no, shut up" in response to a heartfelt, "you look beautiful," but I'll deal with that in therapy.
Trust issues aside, how do we really know when someone means the compliment they're giving us. I mean, what if they're just looking to get something out of us?
I know it's cynical of me, but I would 100 percent wear that kind of crazy romper I have and put my hair in a top-knot, lasso my man up, and ask him: "Do you actually like this outfit?"
2. Did I Snore?
Again, trivial, but something I want to know!
Why do we always lie about this in relationships? I've definitely been guilty of minimizing the grizzly bear-esque releases that kept me up all night in order to not hurt my partner's feelings. Sleep apnea is a thing!
That said, I want to know the truth. Did I snore like crazy? Did I kick you in bed? Or accidentally release something even less appealing while asleep? We're not dating anymore, so I'd super appreciate the heads up before embarking on my next sleepover.
3. If You Had To Describe Me In One Adjective, What Would It Be?
I know, I know. This sounds like some couples' therapy stuff. But this is actually a game my friends and I like to play. Summing a human being up in one adjective is super difficult, and yet extremely telling.
If I could go back and ask my exes what they would say about me if they only had one word from one part of speech to do it with, I feel like I'd learn a ton about myself. I definitely wouldn't expect descriptors like "selfless" or "touchy," but I could get down with a "snarky" or "intelligent."
4. What Was Your Least Favorite Thing About Dating Me?
I swear I'm not a masochist. I really think hearing this from the source would actually assuage some of my anxieties, namely that I'm a monster.
I'm needy at times and non-committal at others. I can be withholding. I think I have a grasp on the things I need to work on in relationships, but again, the lasso of truth tells all.
Assuming the guys I've dated answered the "one adjective" question with a relatively positive word, I'd really want to know what people who have known me so intimately wish they could've changed about me. I wonder if those things would actually match up with things I wish I could change about myself.
5. Did You Actually Not Want A Relationship, Or Were You Just Not That Into Me?
This is a tough one. The "I'm not ready for a relationship" excuse is one I've heard multiple times — sometimes from very honest guys going through very traumatic things in their lives, and other times from f*ckboys whom I run into six months later while they are having their engagement photos taken.
Is timing really a thing, or are some guys just not willing to tell you the truth about why they don't want to take things to the next level? I tend to get caught up in half-relationships, that semi-romantic place between late night hookups and full-on commitment.
I'd love to know the truth about why it didn't work out so that I could stop making excuses for exes — and for myself.
6. What Was The Sex Like?
I know, so narcissistic, right? Plus, guys are probably all just going to say "great." But I think we all get nervous about how we are in bed. Are we generous? Free? Doing the right things?
If I'm being honest and human, of course I would love to ask dudes I've dated what it was like. I have a sneaking feeling that actually knowing how exes felt about our naked bodies and making love might put some of those "but my stretch marks!" insecurities to bed.
So, while I clearly have some insecurities that I would like to get some clarity on, the lasso of truth does not exist and this probably isn't going to happen.
How would I act in a future relationship if I knew all this? Would it really help or just get me in my own head? Maybe the best thing to take from Wonder Woman is her security. She knows she's strong and smart, and she doesn't need any man to tell her that. She literally grew up without encountering one.
So, why not show up as Wonder Woman on your next date — sans the tiny red, blue, and gold outfit.