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Question from the reader:
I'm seeing this guy. We met on Tinder. I wasn't really attracted at first but I gave it a chance. I am so happy I did because he is absolutely amazing. We text every day. We see each other often. We talk about everything. He is also on my level intellectually (Master's Degrees).
BUT ... yes there is a big fat but.
He is "not on the market for a relationship right now."
I'm in no rush, because it has only been two months since our first Tinder conversation. But I'm confused. He does anything and everything a boyfriend should do. Of course we had intense make-out sessions, and we have talked about sex and getting tested.
I feel like there is something I'm missing. He says he wants to get to know everything about me and be intimate, and care about me. But he doesn't want to be my boyfriend. But he doesn't even seem to be in a rush for sex although we both know we want to have sex with each other EXCLUSIVELY.
I know I want a relationship, but I'm in no way prepared to let my guard all the way down if it will all be for nothing.
Thanks for reaching out.
Tinder is such a funny place. It's so hit or miss. I actually met my boyfriend on Tinder almost 5 years ago when it was the one and only dating app there was! I'm happy to hear that someone else found something other than a dick pic on there.
Anyway, let's get into it.
Before I jump in I just want to say that this is a very complicated situation, and I don't have all the facts so this is all coming from an outsider, based on what you've told me. This really might be the most interesting letter I've gotten so far. I also asked my boyfriend to weigh in from a male perspective so some of what I've got for you is based on what he suggested, as a straight, 30-year-old man.
If what I say doesn't align perfectly, I apologize. Human relationships are wild, aren't they? So very complicated and confusing.
When I was first reading your question, I was honestly like, OH GIRL HE IS A PLAYER! But then as I kept reading, my thoughts on it started to change. The thing that has second-guessed his fuckboy-ness is the sex thing.
The fact that he isn't in some huge rush to have sex makes me feel like what you have going on here is definitely something more than the classic story of "dude meets girl, dude leads girl on for sex, dude ghosts because dudes suck."
I think he actually is a good person. It's been two months and you haven't even done it yet AND he wants to get tested. He's obviously a responsible person who takes his health and sex very seriously. That makes me feel better about him... and also riddled with more questions just like you!
I think that he is a closed-off person. He has a Master's Degree, so he's obviously an intellectual person, a thinker. This can happen a lot with these types of men. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend because he's closed himself off. He is so razor-focused on a career-oriented (or intellectual) path that he can't take on any more "responsibility." Obviously, a healthy and stable relationship actually lifts you up and makes you feel supported, but men have trouble seeing these kinds of realities and can only see what is within their near-sightedness of the situation at hand.
I mean, he probably doesn't even realize that the time you've spent together and the money he's spent really is the responsibility part of being a boyfriend but the label is probably just tripping him out.
I think he likely has some social anxieties and even some anxieties about sex. When people have anxieties, they get multiple degrees, work insane hours and try to make up for them in other ways. The reason he's spending time with you is because people with social anxieties have to interact with people or they get lonely, but only just enough to stave off the loneliness. Nothing too serious that could interfere with their goals. Does that make sense?
The thing is, you can't really expect too much from a guy in his mid to late twenties (which I'm assuming is how old he is?) Men don't mature until their thirties. My god, if you saw my boyfriend when I met him at 26 ... what a fuckboy. Anyway, this is all normal stuff. He's trying to make something of himself and is inside his own head that it's all he can see.
You both sound like amazing people. You're obviously very intelligent and sound like you're very emotionally mature. If I were you, I would give it some more time. He sounds like a nice, kind person and finding a man like that is pretty difficult.
Assuming he cares about you and not just the company you provide, I would see if you can make it work.
The important thing is here is open communication. This situation can't go on like this forever. Otherwise, you'll completely lose your mind. I would see where things go over the next month or so.
But you have to talk to him about your feelings. I'd tell him you understand where he is coming from and you're not in any rush to put a proverbial ring on it, but you need to know that this is going somewhere and he's taking it seriously. You don't deserve to have your time wasted. Life's too short for that nonsense.
That being said, you're not obligated to have sex with only him if he's not even willing to be your boyfriend. I understand if that is what you want, but until he locks it down, you're not tied to him and you're certainly not cut off from dating other guys. He can't have his cake and eat it, too. Tell him that. He needs to know that he can't just have you waiting around and expect him to what, run around with other girls or what? You have to be real with this guy.
If he's really into you and cares about you, he's going to make it work. Guys aren't too complicated. When they want something or someone, they make it work. If he isn't down and lets you walk away, it's honestly for the best because you need something better than that, you deserve something better.
I hope this helps and I really hope it works out for you two.
Yours in lust, XOXO Auntie Gigi
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