Sometimes I'm just like, "I wanna have sex like a frog. I want my boyfriend to impregnate me by spitting his sperm all over my back and letting it drip down to fertilize my eggs."
OK, not really. But I have you interested now, right?
Ah, it's June. The season of love. And not just for us humans. Animals are getting after it, too. But more importantly, we should learn about how these animals are getting after it and take notes.
Why? Because it's the time of year when we want to spice up our sex lives. What better way to do that than taking a page from the book of the animal kingdom? Animals are way freakier than you are. They like to GET DOWN in some weird ways, yo.
Now, these animal sex positions may traumatize you a bit, but what is sex if not a fun and interesting experience that is slightly terrifying? Disclaimer: I made the names of these positions up myself. You're welcome.
Onward, I say!
The Fizz Back
Bombay night frogs are essentially Millennial females in that the male frog will cum on their back and then leave. Sounds a lot like last Friday night, doesn't it, ladies? You meet a guy at the bar, bring him home, let him cum on you and then never hear from him again.
After the female frog gets jizzed on, the sperm trickles down her back and fertilizes her eggs. Forget love making, this is modern romance. Straight up.
Doggy Style Pro
Dogs aren't the only ones going at it from behind. Monkeys are all about it, too. Monkeys, they're just like us. They do it in missionary, they have gay sex, they do it all.
Just when you thought you couldn't feel any weirder about sex, monkeys also love doggy style. I'm kind of about it. You know you're kind of about it, too.
Turtle In The Rough
Sea turtles are some of the oldest living creatures on earth, so it makes sense we'd want to know how they copulate so we can understand how they sustain.
JUST KIDDING. We just want to know about how they have sex because we're freaks. I first imagined sea turtles quietly copulating at a very slow pace, while the female daintily eats some moss, but I was wrong.
Sea turtles actually love it rough. While the female is swimming horizontally in the water, the male turtle mounts her. According to Live Science, the male turtle hooks his long, sharp nails into his lady's shell to hang on. Often times, this will cut up her skin. It's turtle BDSM.
So, this is fun. For all you femme fatales out there, this might be the look for you. Praying mantises don't just make passionate, sweet love to their mates ... the female eats the head off the male during intercourse. Yummy.
According to the very reliable source, Wikipedia, sexual cannibalism occurs when mates do not agree on how to reproduce. It's a form of aggression.
Female praying mantises really have the right idea: Fuck him and kill him. Just kidding ... kind of. Am I?
69, Earthworm Style
Now, the coolest thing about earthworms is that they're hermaphrodites. This means that both worms have male and female sex organs. After they mate, both worms walk away with fertilized eggs. It's rad AF.
To bang, they line their bodies up in opposite directions. Then, a sludge-like slime covers them while they reproduce. It's essentially 69, only there is no actual sex involved.
Fly ' N ' Fuck
I loved dragonflies growing up. They are just so god damn majestic. Dragonflies are cool, but they way they have sex is even cooler. They fuck while flying, you guys.
They connect mid-air and the male fertilizes the female. I imagine it is a spectacular thing to behold. Goodbye, childhood wonder.
Back To Back
Octopi do more than just squirt ink. To have sex, they align themselves back to back. An octopus's beak, used for mating, is located on its back. Now, if you tried this at home, it might not work out so well because you're a human. But if there's a will, there's a way.
As a Pillow Princess, being on top is exhausting. But for all you strong ladies out there, the Bunny Bop is perfect for you. Bunnies have sex furiously, so you should, too. Maybe.
Wonder Woman says to have your man lie down with his legs together and squat over him. Then you furiously bang his dick up and down. It's literally a cardio workout.