Late night "I love you" texts, a missed FaceTime... followed by three more FaceTimes, and multiple paragraph emails filled with more apologies than an Anthony Weiner press conference.
Those are all examples of possible messages you can receive from your ex. We've all been there. For the first few months, it's acceptable. After that, it gets stale. It's 1 percent flattering and 1 million percent annoying, just like a catcall from a person you pass on the street.
Are his hands just bored? Would a fidget spinner fix this?
You could reply "covfefe" every time he texts, but instead, it's best to get creative. Start trolling him with song lyrics, obviously.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
1. When He Says, "I Don't Know How I'm Going To Live Without You"
Be very straightforward. If he's in that much pain, you have some tangible solutions for him thanks to Future's "Mask Off."
Percocets, molly, Percocets
You're not actually recommending opiates, but seriously, this dude needs to go find help someplace other than your iMessage inbox. Maybe therapy or some yoga. Or just a sleeping pill.
This would particularly sting had he cheated on you with someone named Molly...
2. When He Texts You, But Is On Vacation In Hawaii With His New GF
Why does he feel the need to text me when he's with someone new who he chose instead of me? When he tells me the beach he's on reminds him of our long trip to Mexico just hours after posting a "baecation" picture on Insta, cue up Lorde's "Green Light":
Well those great whites, they have big teeth Hope they bite you!
You can follow this up by reminding him there are plenty more fish in the sea, things are going swimmingly for you, and he can stop fishing for compliments.
Puns are another great way to drive an ex crazy.
3. When He Drunkenly Texts You From The Bar
This is a two-part text. After all, if he can't type in complete sentences, you get a hall pass on being extra sassy.
Who's waking up to drive you home, when you're drunk and all alone? Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?
Hopefully, he takes you very seriously and begins to see a glimmer of hope. Wait for it... wait for it...
And then, drop part two:
It ain't me
This beautiful poetry is from Kygo and Selena Gomez's "It Ain't Me," and it's my ultimate guilty pleasure song of 2017. You might as well dance around your room to it as soon as you've finished tormenting him because it's. So. Good.
4. When He Asks If He Can Come Over
Drake lyrics should only be reserved for use on exes who are not bad people, just a little annoying.
If you are considering using your ex a little and having a late night rendezvous, it's best to be upfront and take a line from "The Language":
I just want some head in a comfortable bed
See how he responds, and then go from there. The only good thing about an ex who won't go away is that they are pretty much UberEats for hooking up.
5. When He Just Doesn't Get It And You Have To Be Super Clear
Big Sean's "I Don't F*ck With You" is so straightforward, courtesy of the insane amount of featured cursing.
It's perfect for the ex who's still clinging on to you like a koala to a tree.
I ain't f*ckin' with you. I got a million trillion things I'd rather f*ckin' do Than to be f*ckin' with you. You little stupid a*s
The "little stupid a*s" is truly the cherry on top of his song lyric sundae. Be prepared for some expletives to be tossed back your way.
6. When He Asks You, "Why Don't You Like Me Anymore?"
I couldn't leave this list without a lyric from the OG independent woman herself, Beyoncé.
In efforts not to be predictable, throw him some Destiny's Child's "Bug-a-Boo":
You make me wanna throw my pager out the window Tell MCI to cut the phone calls Break my lease so I can move Cause you a bug a boo, a bug a boo
Despite the references to archaic technology, he'll get the point. Plus, the song is full of great verses to follow up with if he won't stop trying to discuss his woes. And you can just refer to him as a "bug a boo" until the end of time.
I know it may seem heartless to heckle someone who once meant something to you like this, but I promise it's not.
We've also all been on the other side of things. I feel like if I was drunkenly texting someone who broke my heart way too late in the game, hilarious lyric responses might wake me out of my booze-induced drama queen haze, make me laugh, and definitely get me to stop.
Next time, rather than actually engaging in the rabbit hole that is texting an ex who simply won't leave you alone, just send him some lyrics.
I promise you, he'll get the point.