So, you’ve met a super nice dude. He’s sweet, smart, funny, good looking and on a range of really good to excellent in bed. He’s just your style, and the best part is he likes you, too.
Now you’re exclusive, which involves commitment to another person. But, it’s 2015 — is commitment even a word anymore? People are more likely to commit to a mint than another human being. Apparently, you’re special because commitment is happening for you, you lucky fresh-breathed beast.
You embark on a relationship. The word is so foreign to you that you actually contemplate its construction. It has “ship” in it. It literally implies setting sail.
So, you board the Relationship and you hope for first class, in case there's a Titanic-esque situation. But let’s face it: You usually end up in steerage. You’ve been in that nebulous hook-up region for so long during your early 20s, you aren’t even sure what a relationship entails. Are you supposed to change to accommodate it?
Even if you bought a two-way ticket, hoping you both would get exactly what you wanted, only a one-way ticket can ever really be guaranteed on the Relationship.
Once you board the Relationship, neither of you will be the same. Still, you go full steam ahead, thinking this time things will be different, and this time, you’ll make it safely to the other side.
Inevitably, warning signs go off and there might be an iceberg ahead. But, as you enter troubled waters, you tell yourself that it can’t be. Your Relationship is unsinkable.
Well, when the Titanic hit the iceberg, it was all hands on deck, so when your Relationship crashes, you try to keep it afloat, right? You have to stay on deck heroically, playing the violin until the ship sinks. You have to serve the drinks when you find out there aren’t going to be enough lifeboats for everyone. And maybe, you just have to pour one of those drinks on someone (more on that later).
Well, culled from my ample Relationship experience (some have lasted longer than two weeks! That’s TWO weekends!), if you want to stay afloat, here are 10 completely serious things to do to save it from sinking. You must take these literally because I'm clearly an expert:
1. Stop Being Intimate
Stop kissing. Stop touching. Stop hugging. Stop the sex. Stop it all. Men chase the opposite of what they want. So, once you board the Relationship, make like Vanilla Ice and fight ice with ice, baby.
2. Don’t Initiate Anything
You are a hot, fiery cauldron of boiling emotions and there is nothing icy about you. Therefore, to counteract this natural state of yours, you must ignore the sh*t out of your boyfriend.
This will definitely save the relationship because it will make him wonder. He’ll realize something is different. Men notice different. He’ll wonder if you are about to do number three on this list…
3. Make Him Jealous
Hit on every guy within a 100-yard radius. If he’s not feeling like Nick Jonas every time he’s with you, you’re doing something wrong.
When you’re on a date, hit on the guy next to you even (and especially) if the guy next to you is with a chick. Ladies, don’t feel bad; it’s a tough world out there and you are worried about your relationship. You’d better get in the game.
If you’re driving with your boyfriend and a guy is in front of you, rear-end his car. Then, flirt with the random guy whose car you hit as you exchange insurance information.
You should also Facebook friend request the guy immediately afterward, in front of your boyfriend. This works every time in salvaging the relationship. You might even make it to week two.
4. Stop Having Opinions
Your opinions are scaring men away as we speak. The odds of your relationship surviving are inversely proportional to your excitement about the new Taylor Swift single.
In fact, this infatuation with Taylor Swift probably caused the rift in your relationship. You will not be “Out of the Woods” until you stop. You will not be able to “Begin Again” until you stop. I don’t hear you stopping. I hear you still playing that new single that’s not quite a single. It’s called “New Romantics.” Oops, that was me. Never mind!
Also, your ability to recite the names of all the presidents in reverse chronological order, the intelligence with which you talk about the Affordable Care Act and your knowledge of Chile’s GDP is hurting your relationship. Nobody thinks you knowing those things is interesting.
5. Discuss The Kardashians Frequently
And, share your newly-minted knowledge with your boyfriend! In order for a relationship to work, your boyfriend needs to know that you are a cool and awesome person. This entails knowing everything there is to know about Bruce Jenner’s gender switch, where Kim K’s Photoshopped ass has been recently and that Kendall had a multi-page fashion spread in Vogue.
If you don’t know about these things, how do you expect your relationship to make it to week two?
6. Post Phil Collins Lyrics On Social Media
This is your ace. Nothing touches the heart quite like Phil Collins; it’s a universal truth. Men love Phil Collins. So, if things are getting awkward with your significant other, post cryptic, heartwarming lyrics like, “Like a river to the sea/I will always be with you/And if you sail away/I will follow you/Give me one more night.”
Post this on all your social media platforms and I promise you will melt his heart and make it to week two.
7. Throw Drinks On Your Boyfriend
You don’t have hard evidence he’s cheating, but you have strong intuition about it. Your instincts are always on point.
If you are out and have a gut feeling that if Beyoncé were at this bar right now, she’d be telling your man to step to the left, you must show your man that you are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t take bullsh*t from anybody.
So, order a strong drink at the bar (on his tab, of course) and pour it right on him.
8. No Make Up Sex After You Throw Drinks
Some people believe great make up sex after a fight is how couples stay together. That’s a myth. After you throw that drink on him, your boyfriend might go through a period of confusion as to whether the relationship is actually a good idea.
He might start to wonder if maybe you are a little (ahem) “crazy.” The confusion is temporary. So much hinges on how you behave in the next couple nights. He might call and try to reconcile. If you do see him, whatever you do, don’t sleep with him.
He must know that even if he continues to like you after you threw a drink on his head in a public place, you still won’t sleep with him. Sure, he’ll be mad, but he’ll respect you. Respect gets you to week two.
9. Be A Mysterious Texter
When it comes to text messages and all forms of communication in general, less is more. If you want to respond to a witty text in a witty way, feel free. But, realize you’re destroying your relationship.
Men like mystery. Men like nuance. Men like subtlety. Men want the iceberg. Men want you to respond to their funny texts with a “Haha K.” or “Whatevs.”
When your guy asks what you think about something respond with, “Haha I don’t know. What do you think?” If you have any questions about this suggestion, make sure to refer back to rule number four: “Stop Having Opinions.”
10. Never Be Yourself
You might think he likes you for you and that’s why he wanted to be with you in the first place. But, he wants a different version of you now that you’ve embarked on your relationship together.
He wants a version of you that hacks his social media accounts, his social security number and birth certificate. If you don’t transform into this person, your Relationship is doomed to sink because you aren’t proving you want week two badly enough.
You might be asking, "I thought he fell in love with me for who I really am?" You might be wondering, "Isn’t it a better idea to sew up the 'Blank Spaces' within myself rather than depend on someone else’s love to fill them for me? Wouldn’t the weight of all that pressure cause my Relationship to sink rather than be saved?"
Well, you would be wrong.
If there’s anything I’ve learned about relationships (from my ample experience of occasionally getting to week two), it’s that they really are like boats; no boat is unsinkable.
You two could do everything right, you could really love each other and the boat could still sink because maybe the storms outside are just too damn strong. You can’t beat water with the sheer force of your willpower. Water will just roll right over that willpower sh*t. Maybe it was just the wrong time to be on the boat. Maybe you get seasick easily.
So, take my 10 completely serious tips seriously at your own risk. They might save your Relationship (well, possibly until week two), but you might end up throwing yourself overboard in the process.