There’s always one in every group. The girl who thinks she’s sooooo low-key and all about her birthday, but is really a super demanding wacked-out full-on Birthday Diva. Seriously, we’re surprised there isn’t a TLC special series called “Birthday-zillas” where seemingly normal girls also happen to obsess over things like a-line party dresses and the different cupcakes they will eat on one day only.
The Birthday Diva believes that her day of birth should be celebrated for an entire week, not just one day. The wall-posts and party inquiries begin way ahead of time, and the chatter doesn’t die down until the last picture has been uploaded two Sundays later. Don't forget the dreaded but mandatory birthday dinner that will leave you hungrier and poorer than when you first sat down!
This girl still does not understand or internalize the Cardinal Rule of successfully celebrating your birthday, despite our -- the friends and victims of the Birthday Diva's stress (more on this later) – multiple attempts to warn her. Learn this now and you will spare yourself a lifetime of embarrassing Lindsay Lohan affairs and party-crashers worse than Kanye West on Taylor Swift’s MTV awards speech.
The Cardinal Rule of Birthday Celebrating: The more you over-think it, the worse it’s going to be. Your happiness at the party is inversely proportional to your stress levels beforehand.
Birthday Divas: You know who you are. And we’re on to you. This year, you’re not getting away so easily!
Here’s the breakdown of a Birthday Diva’s divaliciousness.
***Note: For all intents and purposes, we are assuming the Birthday Diva’s birthday is in August. If this is difficult for you, well it was even more difficult for us without it.
September to January
It’s still a long time before the big day. With distance also comes the ability for the Birthday Diva (can we start calling her BD from now on?) to laugh at herself and casually admit-but-not-commit (aka acknowledge her flaw, but not take ownership) to being a huge pain in the ass around her birthday.
So we are able to call out the BD (Birthday Diva) on her brat behavior, but don’t expect her to change anytime soon. Just because she barely confesses to being a Birthday Diva doesn’t mean she won’t flip faster than Naomi Campbell when they get the colors on her cake wrong.
The BD claims she didn’t even notice the date, but then why are you receiving angry text messages about not calling her on her half-birthday? What does that even mean!?
The BD starts dropping small but significant hints at her birthday…not that she’s thought about it or anything. She casually asks your thoughts on the pros and cons of having a big blowout bash versus a chill happy hour. She wants to know your stance on a couple of locations and implores you to rank them based on how easy it is to get through the bouncer…just asking.
Don’t be fooled – her questions are really loaded. She’s asking you because she wants to get a sense of what she should do for her big day (which, reminder is still MONTHS away!). The BD is slowly reeling you in, tying you down and ensuring your presence at her feet.
April: The Slow Change
The Birthday Diva suddenly changes her eating habits and begins working out a lot more in preparation for her big day. She keeps a quiet tally of all the other birthday parties she’s attending to use as ammo for when people try and back out of hers. In the "Hunger Games" of birthdays, no one is spared.
May (Or What Is Now Known As ‘Three Months Before My Birthday’)
The Birthday Diva still holds a grudge from last year that you didn’t call her at midnight or at least send a follow-up “your bday was ja'maze” text. She not-so-passively-aggressively reminds you that this year she expects an Instagram collage and Facebook wall-post on top of a Twitter shout-out. Seriously? Throw us a frickin’ bone here! You silently curse social media for holding us to impossible standards to go above and beyond for the birthday girl.
June/July: Official Countdown Officially Begins
Every time you and the BD go shopping, each item is one that she is reserving for her birthday. She already has a vision for how she wants to look and who she wants to make-out with. Her dress will obviously be nicer than everyone else’s, but you assure her that she can get away with it because she’s the Birthday Girl and it’s her party and she can do what she wants to. So there!
August: The Facebook Invitation
Your friend has literally become a different person. All she can talk about is her birthday, the dress... and her birthday. Now that the big day is coming, she needs to send out the crucial Facebook invitation.
The Facebook invite has many components, so be prepared for the Birthday Diva to demand your wit and your proofreading expertise at the most inopportune moments (like on G-chat while your boss is looking over your shoulder).
The invite has to be funny enough so that people pay attention, but not too funny that it looks like the birthday girl is trying. The Birthday Diva will definitely ask you to be an Admin and to invite half the people on her guest list. And, don’t get offended if no one responds that they are coming – in the Facebook world, the more people who don’t RSVP, the more guests you’ll have attending the party.
The Night Before
Clearly you and the Birthday Diva are going out tonight, even though her actual birthday is not until tomorrow. Forgetting to celebrate at midnight got you in trouble once and the wrath of the Birthday Diva was so scarring, you won’t miss out this time.
You and your besties decide to get the Birthday Diva super, super drunk so she doesn’t realize everyone’s been over this night since she started talking about it three months ago.
The Day Of
The Birthday Diva is in full-blown ape sh*t mode. She’s preparing more for this day than she did the time she threw a “CEOs and Boardroom Hoes” party for her sorority junior year.
Even though you want to stay away from her, the Birthday Diva unloads all of her edgy stress load on to you. She’s mean and she’s bossy, but the worst part is you can’t say anything about it because it’s technically “Her Birthday” and that goes against Girl Code. Yeah, we said it. The Holy Grail of a woman’s friendship and if you defy it, you’re out. So suck it up for another 24 hours until the Birthday Diva passes out with her stupid light-up crown still on.
The Big Event
The pregame is off to a good start until it’s thirty minutes past the start time and no one has shown up yet (duh betch, when the invitation calls for 10:30, it’s customary to show up at 11). The Birthday Diva starts tweaking because she has to be at her promoter sponsored birthday before 12:30 or the line will be so horrendous and no one will get in (which is always the worst possible thing EVER!).
The minute something goes wrong, the BD gets hysterical, but it’s your job as her best friend to help her fix it (hey, at least you didn’t end up as her sister or anything!).
Since you practically invited everyone you’ve hooked up with since high school, not everyone can past the door. No worries, the Birthday Diva is finally off your hands, bum rushing the door to get all her posse in and then sobbing in a corner for someone else to deal with! So. Much. B-day. Dramz.
She can be easily spotted because she’s the only one whose hair is professionally done for the occasion. She’s also always holding a large bottle of alcohol and drunk wandering alone. Hallelujah! For once it’s not us!
The party was a huge success to everyone but the Birthday Diva who is currently nursing a wicked hangover and a bad case of Drunk Anxiety. If you’re her immediate friend, you probably have to go to her birthday brunch and listen to the whole replay again while reassuring her that vomiting outside the club and on to her man is soooooooo not a big deal (it kind of is…).
She’s ruined her dress and can’t find her debit card or some of the gifts she received, but the night was totally worth it. When pictures start surfacing, the Birthday Diva is pleasantly satisfied by how happy she looks in all of the photos blowing out the birthday candles. #BirthdayBitch
Until next year…
When it’s her big 2-5 and that means: VEGAS!
Top photo courtesy of Visualize Us