I will always be one of those people who carries, like, seven pounds of extra weight. Not because I am fat. Not because I am particularly gluttonous or lazy.
But because this is naturally how my wide hips and glorious derriere and filled-out chest prefer to exist. And it’s how I’ve lived most of my robust, wonderful life.
I’m what women’s magazines and rap songs call a “curvy girl.” I’m not skinny. I’m not fleshy. But I’ve got an attractive and -- more importantly -- healthy body that’s filled out in more places than others. That’s great. This is something I’ve known all my life.
And there are thousands of women just like me, forever straddling between sizes and narrow doorways. We like pizza and vodka and occasionally going home after work instead of the gym. We aren’t afraid to make space for ourselves in this world, whether it’s at the juice, buffet or Pure bar(re).
We aren’t looking for praise from guys or acceptance from the marketing departments of brand-name companies. (Although, who doesn’t love a flattering compliment as much as a well-fitting t-shirt?) We don’t care what letter of the alphabet our shape resembles. We are just doing us. Deal with it.
We’re curvy girls with a lot more going on than just our hips. Here are the 17 problems naturally buxom girls are tired of dealing with.
1. People calling you "thick"
We are not a seven-layer chocolate cake. That is all.
2. Getting up in a movie theater
There's no easy way out of this one -- at least two people always end up with an errant butt cheek in their laps or boob graze on their faces.
...Don't get any twisted ideas.
3. "I like a girl who eats."
Actually, this big bowl of cheesy rigatoni is me trying to diet. But... thank you?
4. Turning a regular outfit into something sexual isn't by choice
You can't wear anything innocently. Even turtleneck sweaters are suggestive. You have two choices: wear boxy sweaters that deceivingly make you look like 382,507 pounds or walk around looking like Sofia Vergara squeezed into a tube sock.
5. You never order the right size when you online shop
You always order two of the same garment, but you'd much prefer to just try it on in-store (despite the hideous dressing room mirrors).
Shipping and handling is more confusing than figuring out your size, so you can't shop online-only websites. Revolve Clothing, we're looking at you.
6. Nothing fits you properly in all the right places
Your boobs stick out, but it's baggy on the stomach, but cuts under the arms, but it's tight on the sides, but loose on the waist, but snug on the butt, hips and thighs.
And if that sounds exhausting, it's because it's true. Trying to exist comfortably in clothing is a struggle.
7. Constantly being compared to the number "8"
Can't we just go with something a teensy bit more appealing? Like an B2K "Bump, bump, bump" hourglass or ScarJo? Must we be snowmen?
8. People preaching that you should "be comfortable with yourself"
Uh, thanks because there's never been a time that we weren't? As if being curvy is an embarrassing characteristic.
9. Being on top is like watching a drunken bobblehead ride a roller coaster
You want to be like this:
But instead you're like this:
10. You never will be able to wear this:
There's too much room for error here. Suffocated boobs and digging into our sides -- we know when to take the bench. Cut-out dresses just don't make the cut.
11. The fitness test in high school was mortifying
Like, when you would rather sit on your comfy ass than move it for a stupid mile race on a poorly-funded track? Or how you could barely touch your toes because your early-developed boobs hit you in the face? (Slow tears. Thanks, Jillian.)
12. You steer clear of jeans without stretch
We all have our limitations in life.
Jeans without stretch are like out-of-season Christmas ornaments: They serve no purpose for you.
13. Jean shorts are essentially thongs
It's like a publicly acceptable form of porn. As soon as you start walking, they will invariably turn into chafing denim underwear, and picking them out of your ass requires giant King Kong fingers.
14. Growing up, you were referred to as "big boned"
You tell 'em Demi!
It's just not true. Some of us have skinny arms.
15. You: Can I borrow that lace shirt please? Friend: Ohhh. (Pause.) That one is kind of small on me...
It's an unspoken rule that you're not allowed to borrow your friends' clothes because you'll absolutely stretch them out -- and you know this. Refraining from asking shows your maturity.
16. You can't maneuver jutting chairs and tables at a restaurant easily
Any time you have to get up to go anywhere, you can't approach it straight on. You have to keep turning towards the side.
17. Sweating. Everywhere.
We curvy ladies have got to stick together.