I was sitting in a meeting with several female writers, and we were getting rowdy. The cause: Poop, obviously.
“I can't even poop at a guy's house,” one said. “I just pretend I'm in there fixing my hair or brushing my teeth."
“I've been seeing this guy for months and I still haven't pooped around him," another chimed in.
“I don't want them to think that I have something coming out of a hole that's right next to one that they're putting something into," a third woman added.
At that point, I had to speak up.
“I just tell them,” I said. "If I'm on a date. If I'm at a guy's place. What's the point of hiding it? He knows what you're doing in there, it's kind of obvious."
Clearly, I had an unpopular opinion. No one seemed to appreciate my candidness regarding bowel moments.
I'll be honest, I've felt awkward on dates when I needed to go to the bathroom. I usually avoid using the restroom in his apartment, if I can.
However, I'm also a girl with a supremely sensitive stomach. Withholding my sh*t doesn't exactly go hand-in-hand with being both lactose-intolerant and permanently needing to be nearby a bathroom.
Guys, stop pretending girls don't poo.
A guy I once dated actually told me he didn't believe girls used the bathroom for anything other than peeing until he was 17. Really? I'd say he also didn't know where babies came from, but I'd be lying.
Look, I get it. The “girls don't fart” joke was funny up until we were, I don't know, age 14. After that, you just sound ignorant.
Don't make it weird.
Look, sh*t happens to all of us. Some of us poop more than others. It's cool. It's normal. What's not normal is how guys give that look after you spend a little longer in the bathroom than usual.
Look, you know what I did, I know what I did and I don't care to discuss it.
To be fair, girls, you're making it kind of weird, too. Stop skirting around the issue and just embrace it. Acknowledge you are a human being with a hole in your butt and sometimes, you need to use it for things other than awkwardly sticking fingers in during foreplay.
I'm not saying you should tell a guy you need to use the can on a first date. But, you know, don't pretend you're going in there to “fix your hair.” No one believes that crap.
Being a pooping machine doesn't make me any less feminine.
A friend's guy once told her it was weird when chicks talked about taking a dump because he considered it “unfeminine” and “gross."
Okay, raise your hands if you took a dump this week. If your hand isn't up, then I really hope you've got a date tonight -- with your gastroenterologist.
Look, every guy I know is super into gross and nasty sh*t. I'm talking elephant farts, weird porn and "2 Girls, 1 Cup." If a guy says you aren't girly enough for him because you happen to use the bathroom like a normal human being, then maybe that guy needs to permanently leave your life, STAT.
Why can't we just talk about it?
We talk about anal bleaching and about butt plugs. We even broach the subject of rim jobs with ease. But the moment pooping winds itself into discussion? Nah, that sh*t's weird. We clam up.
To that, I say why? We are culturally molded to overshare, yet we can't discuss the one topic virtually everyone on the planet has an opinion on? That makes no f*cking sense.
Heads up: Most guys don't care.
Oh, you used his bathroom for numero dos? Great, hope you flushed. If you don't make it a thing, neither will he.
Poop anxiety, also called parcopresis, is real. But it doesn't have to be real at his place.
Your office bathroom, on the other hand? That sh*t is scary.