As I write this, I have one of those annoying stomach cramps, well on its route to destroying my day and probably my underwear, too.
Call it what you want -- a sensitive stomach, irritable bowel syndrome, the sh*ts -- regardless, it sucks. As girls, we’re bound to experience the lovely effects of a crappy stomach more so than guys. Hell, we basically become targets for it monthly.
Sure, being in a complicated relationship with your stomach isn't ideal, but it does make for some awesome stories (if you're brave enough to share them.)
Whether you are a regular bathroom offender or not, these are 27 things bound to cross your mind prior to making that eighteenth trip to the loo.
1. Where is the bathroom?
Is it in the back of this restaurant? Do I have to walk through all those people to get there? What if they hear me fart? Why?!
2. Is it a single stall?
Actually my worst nightmare.
3. That dude totally knows that I was here five times in the last 20 minutes.
He’s judging you from behind his salad/pasta bowl/wine glass.
4. I wonder if they’ll know it’s me that made it smell like Dante’s Inferno in there.
Probably. But they won’t remember or care in, like, five minutes....Right?
5. I’m never eating that again.
Discrimination at its finest.
6. Wait, does this sandwich have milk/egg/dairy/laxatives in it?
I need you to swear on your life. Swear it. Now pinky-promise. Now swear on your great-grandmother’s — okay, fine, I’ll order something else.
7. Will this cheese make me shoot liquid lava out of my ass?
And if it does — do you have a private bathroom?
8. Do I have all my meds with me?
Pepto Bismol? Check. Tums? Check. Lactaid? Lactaid?!
9. Oh, what a cute tee shi — oh, wait, it’s a romper.
Good luck figuring that out in your time of need.
10. No, but seriously, where is this bathroom?!
And if you don’t find it in time, you know what’s coming. A bush.
11. How are you out of ginger ale?
Is that even legal?
12. Need. Coffee.
Yeah, you can have coffee — just be ready for a date with your throne room after.
13. Is that a — no, just a cramp.
You’ve become a pro at telling the difference between cramps, regular stomachaches and will-potentially-sh*t-my-pants rumblings.
14. F*ck this, I’m getting pizza.
Sure, it might make you wish you were never born later, but right now, you can’t help but crave some greasy goodness.
15. When are we getting home?
Your toilet is the best toilet of all.
16. Is it possible to put a tampon in your ass or...?
17. Is our relationship on bowel movement level yet?
Because if it is, I need to use your bathroom, babe.
18. I should have gone to church and prayed.
Now I'm being punished.
19. Can I eat this before my seven hour road trip?
Nope, not chancing it. I'll starve for a little bit.
20. I never want to have kids.
Wiping my own ass is hard enough.
21. Is it possible to sh*t and throw up at the same time?
Yes. Yes it is. And it's not pretty.
22. I'm not drinking tonight.
I'll be locked in the bathroom all morning.
23. This app will be great to use in the bathroom.
I'll need something to distract myself when I'm hovering over the toilet for twenty minutes.
24. Oh, you have to pee? Too bad.
You don't even want to know what I'm about to unleash on this Porta-Potty.
25. I'll just have water.
That's literally the only thing on this menu that won't kill me.
26. I think I might die here.
Tywin Lannister did. So can you. You've been warned.
27. What do you mean, this bathroom is employees only?
I will make you regret that.