A couple of friends and I were catching up over drinks on a Saturday night when I noticed one person was missing.
“Where’s Naomi*?" I asked.
We were trying to make plans for a party later that evening and Naomi, our dearest and (admittedly) flakiest friend, was running late.
“Didn’t she tell you?” my friend asked between sips. "She has a flight in the morning, so she’s staying in tonight."
I gazed back at her, dumbfounded.
“She told me she’s flying back on Monday,” I said.
My annoyance bubbled up while my other friends looked confused.
"No," they said, looking at me like I grew an extra head. "Naomi is flying back tomorrow. That’s why she didn’t come out."
It wasn't the lie that bothered me. It was the the fact that my friend used a sh*tty excuse to get out of plans we made together.
She wasn't being bitchy, just really shady.
There’s a difference between being a bitch and being a shady bitch.
A bitch is upfront about her intentions and doesn’t sugarcoat. She’ll flirt with your crush openly, talk sh*t about you and blame you for things out of your control.
A shady bitch does all that, but on the sly. She won’t come up to your crush openly, but she will low-key like all his Instagram posts.
She won’t just cancel on plans, she’ll come up with an excuse designed to make you feel sorry for ever doubting her. She knows how to push all of your buttons without you ever realizing she’s pressing them.
Women like Naomi are sh*t starters.
Unlike her, I'm an adult. The moment you start acting sneaky, you end up blacklisted.
No one has time for shade, girl.
1. She’ll sneakily flirt with the guy she knows you have a crush on.
Naomi knew about my stupid crush on this one mutual acquaintance of ours. She’d tease me about it every time we were out together.
"Just text him," she’d tell me.
"Just go talk to him," she’d coach.
I never did.
Imagine my surprise when one day, he posted a photo of the two of them at a bar on Instagram. They were with a group of friends, but it still stung.
Upon further research, I found Naomi had been liking nearly every one of his Instagram posts and Facebook statuses for months. The two were way closer than I thought.
This is not a Regina George and Aaron Samuels situation. This particular type of shady bitch won’t come out in the open with her intentions.
What she will do, however, is mysteriously go out to happy hour drinks with him. She’ll Snapchat him. She’ll even have an emoji next to his name in her phone contacts.
2. She’ll still text her ex on the DL without telling you.
Yeah, I get it, you guys had a terrible breakup and there’s still drama there. But, if she has his number stored under a fake name and doesn’t own up to it, it’s just not cool.
Confront her on the sly, especially if she’s seeing someone new.
If she doesn’t at least tell her new boo she’s texting an old flame, girlfriend needs to get it together.
3. She’ll only upload photos she looks good in, even if you look like sh*t.
It’s basic girl code.
All group photos require the permission of the entire group prior to posting. That way, you avoid the “F*ck, I look like sh*t” texts from your friends.
The shady bitch doesn’t give a rat’s ass. If she looks hot in a photo, she’ll upload it.
She’ll even upload a collage for your birthday. Every pic will be a perfect close-up of her, with you eating something messy in the background.
4. She’ll fake sick to avoid going out with you. Then, she'll go out with another group of friends.
If you’re going to be a shady bitch, at least be f*cking good at it.
To be fair, we’ve all ditched a friend to hang out with another one.
However, most of us would never upload photographic evidence of it. That's a questionable move, right there.
Looking at you, Naomi. When was your flight, again?
5. She will complain about how she went from an XS to an S. Meanwhile, you’re still stuck somewhere between M and L.
It’s not a matter of body shaming or fat shaming, it’s just a d*ck move.
A basic bitch will complain about how fat she looks, but a shady bitch will talk about how small is the new medium.
Girl, you’re just being rude.
6. She’ll constantly compete with you and will never have your back.
Your friend should support you and catch you when you fall. You know, all the cheesy “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” stuff.
The shady bitch is in it for just one thing: herself.
She’ll use your friendships with other people to further herself and take your friendship as a joke.
In all, it’s time to dump the shady friend and make a real one.
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of the shady bitches.