8 Times A Woman Absolutely Does Want To Be Lied To

by Charlotte Phillips

We say we appreciate brutal honesty. We ask questions in the hope that you'll take them seriously, and give us a balanced, well-thought out reply.

Well, most of the time. We're nothing if not complex, and it's up to you -- our friends, our boyfriends, our parents -- to know when we want the truth, and when a little white lie would save the day. Tread carefully.

Misreading what the situation calls for will be nothing short of disastrous for you, but practice makes perfect.

We tend to repeat ourselves, so soon you'll have this down. If nothing else, just memorize the list below, of all the questions girls ask at times when they want to be responded to with a lie.

Question 1: "Do I look fat?"

Asked to: Mother, Boyfriend, Best friend

Answer: "No."

Always, always no. If you can see fat rolls beneath her shirt, if her thighs are unattractively visible beneath her short shorts, if she really shouldn't be wearing a tube top with those arms... it doesn't matter.

The answer, simply, is no. Maybe later, in a private moment, have a word if you're genuinely concerned for her health. But when she asks the question, which she invariably does right before going out, there's enough insecurity present already that she simply doesn't want the truth.

My mom once (maybe four years ago) told me to stop eating nuts because "they're so caloric," right before I went on a date. Still haven't forgiven her.

Question 2: Is she prettier than me?

Asked to: Boyfriend

Answer: "No! Of course not!"

This response particularly applies if she's asking for your opinion comparing her and her best friend, her and your ex-girflriend, or her and her sister.

You must soothe her ego and reassure her of her innate and divine beauty, far beyond the point you think is necessary.

The rules differ slightly if you're, say, looking at photos of Gisele in a magazine, or walking through Soho and gaping at those impossibly tanned Amazonian-looking women with legs up to a normal person's eyes.

Then, it can be more of a "Noooo...," that trails off, implying less concrete certainty. But still, when in doubt, lie.

Question 3: Is it rude if I cancel right now?

Asked to: Boyfriend, Best friend

Answer: "Definitely not, they'll understand."

Actually, if she has to ask, it probably is rude. When her reason for canceling at 7.30 pm for a dinner due to start in half an hour is simply because she wants to watch TV, yes, that is categorically rude.

But, she's going to do it anyway, and all she's really looking for is someone's approval and someone to condone her poor choice. Just do it and both your evenings will be nicer.

Question 4: "Am I sweaty?"

Asked to: Friend

Answer: "You look perfect!"

This question is asked in a club either in New York in August or on vacation. You've been dancing together for two hours and she is so sweaty her hair is wet and there are rivulets dripping down both her face and chest.

She looks hideous. But, saying so would mean waiting in a 40-minute line for the bathroom, or, even worse, she'd want to go home. You're doing both of you a favor by lying and keeping the party alive.

Question 5: Can you tell I'm drunk?

Asked to: Friend

Answer: "What? No! Have you even been drinking?"

Um, of course she has. Her vodka sodas are all over her dress, she can barely stand up and she has, inexplicbly, lost a shoe. But the basic premise to this one is the same as above.

Obviously, watch out for her, but ultimately, you're both having fun, so what's the harm in an innocent lie. To tell the truth would mean bedtime, and that's sad.

Question 6: Do you think he got my text?

Asked to: Best friend

Answer: "I mean that one time, I didn't get my dad's text when he was in Spain..."

What you really mean is, of course he did. It's the 21st century and he has an iPhone. Apple basically controls the world, let alone whatever weird phone line in the sky text messages travel along.

Yes, he got it and chances are, if he hasn't replied, he's ignoring it. You feel sorry for her, and you're trying to be supportive.

In the long run, you might want to rethink this lie and go down the cruel-to-be-kind route, though she may not thank you for it.

Question 7: What do you think of my haircut?

Asked to: Boyfriend

Answer: "LOVE it."

Honest answer? What haircut. It looks like it did yesterday and the day before. But from experience, boyfriends have a sneaking suspicion you may have just spent $300 to look exactly the same as before, and she really needs affirmation that it was money well spent.

Question 8: Did you have fun with the guys?

Asked to: Boyfriend

Answer: "No baby, I missed you so much."

Really, you had the best night ever. It was completely liberating, you had no phone signal and you were all partying until 3 am.

In fact, your girlfriend literally did not cross your mind once. But she doesn't need to know that, and unless she is very, very, selfless, it's not what she wants.

She wants you to enjoy yourself to the fullest when you're with her, not on nights you are away from her. Which you can kind of understand, right?

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