Let's discuss fashion's greatest mystery for a second.
From birth, we're told wearing white after Labor Day is the sartorial equivalent of first-degree murder.
If that's the case, can someone do me the favor of explaining winter white?
Don't get me wrong, I love white in the summer. It brings out my tan and looks stark in the sun.
In the winter, however, it looks dumb as f*ck.
I'm a city girl. I take public transportation. I also come face-to-face with snow, sleet, rain and whatever Frankenstein's monster of a winter New York throws at me.
White clothes just can't stand up to that.
Sorry, ladies, but I'm sticking to my wintry black, navy and gray. If you're one of those crazy bitches who can pull off white during winter, you're a witch.
Also, you're not thinking straight. My thoughts are entirely different.
1. What the f*ck is this stain?
And how did I get it in the five minute walk between my apartment and Starbucks?
2. Why is this yellow?
Why does sweat turn things yellow? Why?!
3. Sh*t, I have to take the train.
The likelihood of someone spilling coffee on you triples when you're wearing a white coat.
4. Wait, I'm about to get my period.
I don't care how much you trust your menstrual cup, tampon or whatever method of blood removal you use.
The fact is, you will inevitably get blood on your pants if you wear them the same day Flo is in town.
5. Stay the f*ck away from the guy carrying coffee.
He will spill it and my bank account will murder me.
6. Well, I guess I can't order Merlot.
Or spaghetti. Or sushi. Or anything that can potentially splatter all over my pristine white blazer.
7. She looks like she carries Tide to Go pens. I must befriend her.
Seriously, those things are a life changer.
8. Okay, all of you have to stay at least five feet away from me at all times.
It's perfectly legal to pepper spray someone for getting too close to your white Stella McCartney coat.
9. Where did all this makeup come from?
Say goodbye to clean collars.
10. Where is the nearest dry cleaner?
If there's one person out there who benefits from you wearing white, it's the guy who deep cleans your coats.