The 5 Things Every Girl's Doorman Is Judging Her For

by Ashley Fern

As females living in a major city, we find comfort in living in a doorman building. We think these men will protect us from whatever is lingering on the outside streets. Well, at least that's what our parents take comfort in.

We, on the other hand, more so appreciate the fact that while we're at work, our packages can be delivered safely, our mail won't get f*cked up, we won't have delivery men wandering the building at random hours and any and all maintenance requests will be carried out in a timely manner.

But as great as these men are in our lives, they do something all our exes unfortunately did as well -- they judge us. Sure, they aren't supposed to, but when you have three-plus meals delivered in one day, they just can't help but notice.

They are there 24/7 and have probably witnessed their fair share of absurd encounters. The only reassurance I feel when I wake up at 8 am on Sunday morning and realize I slept through yet another delivery order is that the doorman has definitely seen much worse than my drunk ass.

How and why do these men judge us? Well...

How often you go out

I can't be the only one who feels awkward on a Friday night as I walk through my lobby to get a taxi. You are clearly dressed up, going out to drink with all intentions of staggering home (if you make it) during the wee hours of the morning.

Your doorman wishes you a good night as he smirks to himself because he knows exactly what kind of trouble you are getting into.

For some reason, girls get judged way more harshly than guys, but that's just how the world works these days -- unfortunately.

Not only is he judging you for going out (What else would you even be doing on a Friday?), he is also judging what time you come back home.

I don't know which is worse: when you come parading home, heels in hand at 4 am with a box of pizza or when you stroll in at 9 am in a pair of XL sweatpants with your eyeliner dripping to your chin.

Who you are bringing home

Because it's not enough to judge you when you come home alone, he judges you even more when you bring someone back with you. It doesn't matter if it's a boy or your female best friend, the doorman thinks you are up to no good.

I'm pretty sure my doorman actually thinks I'm dating my best friend because of how frequently she stays at my apartment.

It's one thing if you have a boyfriend because you clearly don't give a sh*t about coming home with him at 3 am -- actually why do you even give a sh*t? Because no one likes being judged, that's why!

You're single and in your twenties, this is the time to have fun! What does your doorman even know about what's going down in your apartment, for all he knows, you could just be coming back to hang and "watch a movie"...yeah right.

That you clearly can't cook

I'm sorry you had to buzz my apartment on three separate occasions today, but I can't prepare a meal if my life depended on it. As hard as I try to go grocery shopping, I always end up eating most of everything I purchased within a day or two.

If you're like me, then you're only left with a bunch of random ingredients that just sit in the fridge until they hit the expiration date. So at that point, wouldn't it just make sense to order delivery? I mean, you tried.

As much as you try to make your own food, you end up having a a closer relationship with Seamless than some of your friends and honestly you wouldn't have it any other way.

Your online shopping habit

The only person, aside from you, who knows how many packages you receive on the reg is your doorman. Your family isn't even aware of the full extent of your shopping habit because they don't see your credit card statements -- and thank God for that.

You may not even realize you are expecting a package that day, but alas your doorman knows.

No longer does he need to even send you an email reminder because he knows exactly who you are, what apartment you are in and just hands you off the package when you get home for the night.

He will judge you twice this amount if some of the packages you are receiving are actually groceries.

The guests who come over

You are who you hang out with, and nobody is more familiar with this concept than your doorman. Do you really not think he doesn't know who the shady guy with a backpack is who stops in your apartment for approximately 10 minutes?

Newsflash: He's probably stoned, too.

Having a pregame at your apartment is a doorman's worst nightmare. He is well aware of the fact you will be making excessive noise while blasting music.

The second you get home from the day and you ask him to let "just anyone up" is when his fears start to manifest.

He already thinks you're essentially an alcoholic because you go out every weekend, without even coming home sometimes until the morning.

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