12 Texts You Know You’ll Send The Morning After New Year's Eve

You know you need to reevaluate your life when you and your friends watch “The Hangover” and aren’t too weirded out by what happens the morning after.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. After all, none of us woke up with a random baby or had a run-in with Mike Tyson.

Still, there are a handful of nights a year when my friends and I allow ourselves to get up to all sorts of drunken debauchery.

Our favorite, though, has always been New Year’s Eve.

Everyone is in a different state of mind on New Year’s.

Suddenly, even the most pessimistic loonies are optimistic again.

We all look forward to a fresh year, and our favorite way to celebrate is with plenty of alcohol.

All that booze lends itself to a sh*tshow of a night. It also leads to some great texting fodder for the next morning.

Here’s what to expect.

1. To the group text with all your BFFs:

“Is everyone alive?"

2. To your work wife:

“Please don’t tell me your midnight kiss was Jeremy from accounting."

3. To your mom:

“Yeah, I just stayed home and ordered pizza last night."

4. To the friend who ditched you last minute because she was "sick:"


5. To the friend who got drunk way before midnight:

“How’s the toilet treating ya?"

6. To the hot guy you wanted to make your midnight kiss:

“Hope you had fun last night!"

7. To the creepy, probably-a-serial-killer friend of a friend who actually became your kissing partner:

“Please delete my number."

8. To last night’s host:

“Have you seen my Tweety Bird socks?"

9. To your Uber driver:

“Sorry for puking in your car."

10. To the ex you totally drunk-dialed last night:


“Also, your new girlfriend looks like ass."

11. To the rando who sent you a mass “Happy New Year" text:

“Who the f*ck is this?"

12. To your best friend:

“I’m never drinking again."