50 Things B*tches Can't. Even. With.
There’s a lot of chatter going around about what bitches like: what party bitches like, what other bitches like, what basic bitches like, what mizundastood bitches like, what yo momma bitch likes, what your best friend bitches forever like, what your Disney princess Jennifer Lawrence fairy godmother bitches like… you get it.
We’re here to diffuse the situation. While there's a lot of stuff that we do, in fact, like, there’s also a ton of stuff that we actually just don’t like.
Sorry not sorry, but no one is that obsessed with french braids. Maybe like, once in a while and only if it's of the fishtail variety. Otherwise, they make us look like 1700s British generals and horses. But I digress...
What's more fun than reading a list about everything you hate in this world? Nothing?! Relax, sit back, kill some time and read about the stuff bitches actually don't like.
In no particular order:
1. Bobby pins. They’re up there with too-tight headbands.
2. Sanitary pads. Who actually enjoys wearing these?
3. Skinny jeans on the airplane. We do it in the name of fashion, but that doesn’t mean we’re happy about it.
4. Frontal wedgies. There’s never an acceptable way to pick it.
5. Cellulite. It’s the great equalizer of women and yet also the worst thing ever to happen to us.
6. The word “moist.” Don’t ask, it just makes us feel weird.
7. Buying an item and seeing it on sale the next day. This one stings.
8. Flats that rub the back of your heel. You don’t break these shoes in. They break you in.
9. Gyno. The funny thing about the gyno is, we’re all obsessed with our doctors, just not actually going to see them.
10. Being really, really cold.
11. Random friend requests from people we don’t know. How the hell did you find us?
12. Anne Hathaway… no? Just me?
13. Leaving the house unintentionally dressed like a librarian (see: #1 bobby pins). That cardigan isn’t helping.
14. When no one responds to the group chat. At least throw us a sympathy “haha.” What are friends for, anyway?
15. The day after our birthdays. Womp, womp. Now what?
16. Frizz. Seriously, show me a girl who likes frizz and I’ll show you Felicity.
17. Being compared to our moms. Or worse, being told we look like our dads.
18. Love handles, which would explain our unrelenting love for high-waisted pants and hatred for ill-fitting swimsuits. We’ll be offering free bike rides to anyone who can hang on.
19. Listening to someone talk about her boyfriend, ever. Especially if we don't have one. That's just like, the wrong audience.
20. Gisele... but only because we aren't her.
21. Kale. There's a reason it has to resemble chips or be drenched in dressing for us to actually eat it.
22. Talking about the friend zone. Get over it. We have.
23. Showering, especially when washing your hair is involved. It's just such a process.
24. Younger bitches with attitude. Ain't nobody got time for that.
25. Full-fat dairy products. The fewer traces of natural milk ingredients, the better. Amiright?
26. Not being able to move on. Seriously, like why can't he just move on?
27. Action movies (save for the hardcore fan-girls posting on Tumblr). We'll watch action movies with our man because we're hoping to get some action later. But maybe we could compromise and skip to the parts when the beefy Hollywood actors take their shirts off?
28. Free People. It's all an overpriced, hippie illusion. If we wanted to blow all our money on looking like a free-spirit poser, we would have gone to Coachella.
29. Fake Coach bags. The one's with G's instead of C's are a personal favorite.
30. Going out on a limb and really taking a risk by trying a new salad dressing -- only to completely ruin it with something like Maple Tahini Vinaigrette. Total drag.
31. Pretty girls who say they're ugly or skinny girls who ask if they look fat. You're all beautiful, ladies.
32. Birkenstock-style sandals made of plastic. They make your feet sweaty and bloated. And while we're at it, crocs. There is a special place in an STD land mine water park for people who wear crocs.
33. Losing an earring. What are you supposed to do now? On a personal note, I've been petitioning for manufacturers to produce earrings in sets of three for this reason. Soooooo entrepreneurial of me, I know.
34. Strands of hair sticking to your lip gloss. Not popping. Not popping at all.
35. Shaving your legs, waxing your hoo-ha and threading your brows... to not get any all weekend. All that effort for nutin'.
36. Shaved chests. Unless a man has a legitimate reason for shaving his chest (e.g. an audition, swim team, a dare), then he shouldn't go bare. It makes us feel weird when a dude is softer than we are (Drake, we're looking at you here).
37. Extra windy days. Our skirts flare up, our hair gets disheveled and everything kind of goes to sh*t.
38. The day after the day after a blow dry. Well, wasn't that shiny bouncy hair fun? Hope you put it to good use 'cause greasy hair beware!
39. Being blindsided at the manicure. Since when did quick-dry become an extra $1.50?? Huh?! What is this hypocrisy?!
40. Each other. (Lol, Jk. Jk.) This is the women's section, we effin' lurve each otha over here.
41. Feeling left out. It's a universal female Achilles' high heel.
42. Bros. Bro-ing out. Bro-skies. Brosephs. Bro on bro, bro.
43. Fireballs. There is a terrible rumor going around that women are obsessed with fireball shots. This is absolutely wrong and must be stopped. After the age of 20, we've wizened up to what Fireballs really are: trashy shots that make you feel even trashier the next morning.
44. Business professional. There are only two women who look chic in a pant suit: Diane Keating and Kate Moss without a blouse underneath.
45. Unreliable f*ck buddies. What the hell is the point then?
46. Heavy metal. It was just a phase.
47. Being told to "smile" by a stranger. How about we tell you to go f*ck yourself? That'll make us smile.
48. Smelly peeps. They smell bad.
49. Two-faced friends. Haven't you seen enough reality television to know this is the number one no-no amongst women?
50. Lists that dictate what they should and shouldn't like.
Photo Courtesy: Tumblr