Why The Hippie Image Of Free People Is An Unattainable Illusion

Pseudo-hippies everywhere will probably nail me to their Pinterest hit lists, but I don't care. I will no longer stand for the injustice that is overpriced napkins and mass-produced flower children.

Free People clothing is infiltrating the minds of wannabe Sienna Millers everywhere with too-trendy images of a boho lifestyle.

It might be pretty, but it's definitely not for free. Here's why Free People is an unattainable illusion:

1. Genuine bohemian looks aren’t mass-produced

The first step to achieving the "Free People" boho look is to stop shopping on Free People. The true hippie ensemble is all about channeling your own personal style -- something that cannot be found or replicated at retail stores.

It’s pulling pieces from unconventional places and making them part of your wardrobe. Wearing the brand head-to-toe appears manufactured straight out of the catalog -- there’s nothing original about that.

2. Unless you’re picking flowers, the outfit doesn’t translate

Free People is like playing dress up as a grownup -- you’re really only meant to try it on, photograph some pretty Lo-Fi pictures in the golden sunshine rays warming the weeds that gently graze your long crochet hemline paired with an un-ironic wide-brimmed hat to shield your flaxen strands, showing no expression save for your lowered lashes… and then you need to run back inside lest you start full-on sweating underneath all those layers.

Fold the clothes, that was fun. Maybe you’ll consider wearing it to Coachella. At least you now have a profile-worthy picture. Totally justifies the $178 price tag for the crochet dress. That sh*t gets looked at 365 days a year.

3. These hips don’t lie

Here’s where we get real with one another. I’m not overweight, but I certainly own and love my lady lumps and these clothes are not cut for anyone who colors outside the lines.

They're for delicate women who were born with dainty frames. And okay, especially as swimsuit season approaches, am I a wee bit jelly? Oh ya, you bet. But I can find bell-bottomed jeans in the apple orchard elsewhere.

4. Serious question: Can you wear these items if you aren’t some shade of blonde?

Technically yes, provided your shoulder blades can cut envelopes.

5. Real gypsies can’t afford $79 t-shirts

Neither can most girls, let alone those who ascribe to the bohemian and transient lifestyle. Haven’t you people seen "Rent," the OGs of the iconoclast movement? They would never pay that much money for shrunken sweaters with holes. It's called "Street Style" for a reason.

6. There’s no such thing as "weather appropriate"

Who wears crop tops in winter and sweaters in summer? I’ll tell you who -- skinny bishes who shiver in the sunlight and wear floral wreaths to places other than the forest.

Photo Courtesy: Tumblr