Having big boobs in the summer may sound like every girl's dream -- except "every" girl is probably rocking small B's while the rest of us try and lug our DD's to the beach.
We already discussed the issue and struggle of finding a bathing suit that can actually support your larger-than-life rack, but, today, we are going to discuss what happens after that.
I seriously HATE tanning on my stomach, it hurts so much. #BigBoobProbs — Big Boob Problems (@bigboobprobs) June 18, 2014
After you've purchased that perfect top, you may think you're in the clear, but, in reality, the battle isn't even half won.
You still have to deal with making sure your straps are fastened and no side boob is emerging; there's also the need for general public awareness because a nip slip is always a concern.
But what makes tanning with these assets so damn difficult? Well...
1. They burn faster than the rest of your body
Your chest may rise only a mere 6 inches closer to the sun compared to the rest of your body, but for some reason, you get burned as if they were vacationing on the sun. How the hell does this even happen?
It doesn't even matter how much you lather yourself up with sunscreen because your chest will fry like bacon on a hungover Sunday morning regardless. You better have some exfoliating cream on deck because ain't nobody got time for a peeling chest.
2. Expectation versus reality
Thank you Kate Upton for giving full-chested girls everywhere false expectations. If I ever attempted to run down the beach, I think I would lose an eyeball or, at the very least, throw out my back.
It's hard enough to walk on sand as it is without having to worry about your boobs bouncing around with every step.
3. Boob sweat
Well, I guess I can lie now and pretend I actually went swimming because the top of my bathing suit is soaking wet. It's obviously really attractive when you sit up to have a conversation with your friend and beads of sweat drip down your cleavage.
You can guarantee absolutely no one is making eye contact with you as this is happening, just watch their gazes slowly gravitate south as the sweat keeps on dripping.
4. You can't lie on your stomach
Because I can't lie on my stomach without suffocating myself. God, Karen, you're so stupid! Not being able to lie out on your stomach basically ensures that your front and back will be two entirely different colors.
Sure, you may have great color on your front side, but that's just because it's the only side you can comfortably tan on.
The only solution I can even think of is to dig two giant holes in the sand to rest my boobs on; let's be serious, though, unless my baby cousin is coming to the beach with his shovel, I'm not ruining my manicure over this.
5. The underboob white tan line
Guys are so unbelievably fascinated by boobs, but nothing is worse than taking your shirt off and seeing the look on your one-night stand's face (who you met at the local tiki bar) when he sees that the top and bottom half of your boob are two different colors.
At this point, you can't even refer to your assets as boobs since they're now technically considered headlights.
Yes, it is still a normal boob; you don't see us giving you a hard time when we see that the top half of your thigh is blinding white, so don't give us sh*t when our boobs aren't evenly tanned.
6. The dreaded side boob
Can't lie on your stomach, can't lie on your back. When will this ever get easy? Lying on your back just means your boobs are gravitating towards your armpit. Honestly, is this a good look for anyone?
Absolutely not. But what can you even do at this point because every time you readjust yourself, it just happens over and over again. Whoever said "side boob was in" obviously never reached the C cup. I guess it's just time to accept it and just be happy you're not flat-chested.
7. They just fall out
Playing off the side boob issue, wearing a bikini with a massive chest is just one large danger zone. You risk a nip slip every time the wind picks up. No turn is safe, as you are either going to give yourself whiplash or someone else a free show.
You better double -- hell, triple -- knot your top because it's the only hope you will have of securing those puppies.