During my senior year of high school, I worked as a sales associate at Target. Once, I witnessed a woman yank someone by her hair as they fought over a place in line.
It was Black Friday, and I vowed to avoid its chaos forever.
Forget the 12 hours I spent on my feet scanning everything from Barbie dolls to iPods. Watching deal-hungry consumers nearly kill one another over discounted plasma TVs was traumatizing.
It was like "The Purge," but in real life.
Like most women, shopping is one of my favorite pastimes. Stellar deals make me dance more than Juicy J's "Bandz," but they're not enough to risk my sanity.
Diving over people for the last Keurig is a bit dramatic, don't you think?
Ryan Murphy's got nothing on the "American Horror Story" that is Black Friday.
The animalistic savagery that occurs on Black Friday is easily avoidable. Just don't f*cking do it.
1. You don't have enough Xanax.
Large crowds make you anxious? Opt for peace of mind over a public panic attack any day.
2. You're not a conformist.
So what if everyone's standing in line for the latest Xbox? You're actually spending time with your family.
3. You're a conspiracy theorist.
Are you really getting a deal on that L-shaped sofa? Probably not.
4. You're not fighting people with a stomach full of stuffing.
No one wants to play a vicious game of tug of war over stocking stuffers.
5. You can order everything you want from the comfort of your bed.
Sipping tea while e-shopping under covers? #CozyGoals.
6. Because Cyber Monday.
Way less foot traffic. Guaranteed.
7. You want to sleep in.
All the wine and turkey the night before will have you snoozing until noon.
8. You just want to eat Thanksgiving leftovers all day.
Your to-do list should only include eating repurposed turkey meals and binge-watching "Master Of None."
9. You prefer not to camp out in the cold for a good deal.
You wouldn't stand in line for Rihanna tickets, so you're certainly not freezing for a pair of headphones.
10. Crazy people take things way too seriously.
When police officers are forced to step in, we have truly lost our minds.
11. You don't want to overspend because you're #adulting.
Black Friday shopping when you're broke is as impulsive as grocery shopping while you're hungry. Count you and your bank account out.
12. Shopping apps have better deals than any Walmart aisle.
You're not doing more work than you have to on your day off.
13. You don't even like Christmas shopping that much.
Every year, I make my list and check it twice. Still, I find myself shopping for last-minute gifts.
14. What does one wear for a Black Friday brawl?
Sneakers and sweatpants or boxing gloves?
I'm just trying to wear my robe all day.