When you're part of a couple, the most exciting text you receive is from Bae about something mildly dirty, like his “rock hard” penis or something. Le boring.
Your life is pretty tame. You're spending more nights in than you are the bars -- and more time at the farmer's market than you are dancing on tables.
Your squad slowly forgets about you as you sail away into the blissful seas of coupledom. You can say goodbye to those drunken rants and dick pics. You, my friend, are taken. And don't pretend it doesn't rock, because we all know it does.
Haha. F*ck you. Seriously.
When you're single, your text message history is fraught with madness, penises, booty calls and random numbers. Treading these black waters can get muddled and pretty confusing.
You're shipwrecked on the shores of Single Girl Island, forced to fight off razor-toothed f*ckboys and Tinder randos with a sharpened stick. Being a single girl is no easy feat.
As one fellow single girl put it, "Being single is basically just a slew of messages from a bunch of DISGUSTING people you don't want to ever hear from."
Just to help properly illustrate the dire waters on which we voyage, here are 23 text messages single girls know all too well.
1. “What are we doing tonight?” -- the #squad.
Every single girl knows the encouraging texts from the squad. If you're a single girl, you're going out with the crew.
Every day at 5 pm, the single girl begins to receive a slew of texts (often in the group chat) asking about the debauchery you'll be getting up to that night.
2. “Heyy..." -- random guy from the bar
It's those dreaded double y's that are really the most stomach-churning. Half the time, it's from a number you don't even recognize.
3. “You wouldn't believe what 'X' at work was doing…” -- the group chat
This is followed by 50 messages better left for a personal chat.
Every single lady has fallen down the rabbit hole that is her squad's group chat. It includes (but is not limited to) long conversations that don't really have anything to do with you.
They blow up your phone while you're at work. Single people have a LOT to say.
4. The unsolicited dick pic -- some guy
When you don't want a dick pic and are sent one anyway, it can be very jarring.
You can feel kind of violated when the last thing you were expecting to get is a picture of a guy's wang after you tell him about your day.
It's like getting force-fed a bunch of garbage pizza when you can't eat gluten.
5. The solicited dick pic -- that guy
Sometimes a girl just wants to look at some D, especially if she's been going without the real thing for an undisclosed amount of time.
While getting a picture of a dude's penis when it isn't asked for sucks, it's perfectly acceptable and even desired when you want it.
Every single girl knows a good dick pic can get you through the longest of droughts.
6. “Send me a pic.” – every f*ckboy
F*ckboys are always asking for pics. Sending your nudes is not something you mess around with. You have to be careful.
When a f*ckboy does this, the single girl will often send a picture of her cat in various yoga positions around her room. This can make the single girl feel very accomplished and clever.
7. “When are you getting married?” – Mom
This is always an awkward text to receive when you don't even have a boyfriend. Mom is always wondering when you're going to give her grandchildren; you're just wondering when you're getting laid again.
8. “Did you meet anyone?” – also Mom
Every guy you meet is “marriage potential" as far as Mom is concerned. Never mind the raise you just got -- are you still single?
9. “Are you sure you want to come? It's a couples thing.” -- all your taken friends (all your friends are taken :/)
Oh no, that's okay. I'll just go be by myself. Thanks!
When you're single, it's like everyone has a boyfriend. When you have a boyfriend, everyone is single. It is truly #blessed.
10. The lack of text :))))) -- nobody
Being single will always mean texting droughts. It sucks, and it makes us lonely, but at least we're all in the same boat.
11. “You up?” -- some dude, 3 am
Nothing like that late-night booty call to make you painfully aware of how single you are. My bra is off, fam, I'm not going anywhere right now.
12. “Did you get home safely?” -- a number you don't recognize
You're hungover. You can't remember how you got home and you have no idea how this person got your number. Looks like you were drunker than you thought last night. Better just not respond.
13. “How have you been?” -- the guy you lost interest in six months ago
How about no.
14. “Let's go out!” -- a friend at 10 pm on a Monday
Your friends assume that being single makes you always down to go out. You're constantly barraged with text messages asking you to party at odd hours of the night, in the middle of the week.
It happens at the most inappropriate times. Everyone thinks you must not have anything better going on.
15. “I hate men!” -- all of your single girlfriends
Men are the worst when you're single. (See: unsolicited dick pics, above).
16. “What should I text him?” -- everyone in your group chat to each other
If you didn't craft the perfect text message with the help of your six best friends, do you even care about this guy?
17. “I have someone so great for you!” – your coupled-up girlfriend
The thought of going on a blind date with your friend's boyfriend's friend from squash sounds about as appetizing as chewing on nails. But no amount of resistance will ever stop your friends from trying to set you up.
18. “Just a friendly reminder not to self-destruct.” – your therapist
When you're texting your therapist, you know your life as a single woman is complete.
19. “This is ___ from Tinder/Bumble/Plenty'O'Fish/Match.com.”
It's pretty hard to be interested in any of the people you meet on dating apps. It feels like a huge waste of time to spend an evening with a dude who probably looks nothing like his photos.
But you're bored and need a free drink, so you flirt and make do with the tiny pool of eligible bachelors you're given. Le sigh.
20. “Who dis?” – the boy you texted while drunk at 11 pm on a Wednesday.
WE ALL KNOW YOU HAVE MY NUMBER, DAMIEN. DON'T GIVE ME THAT SH*T.
21. “Your Uber is on its way.”
This one's self-explanatory.
When you're young, single and drunk, your phone is full of Uber texts. You're a fancy bitch.
22. “Breaking news! Your Seamless order is on the way!”
The Chinese place will include five sets of utensils, but we all know that food is just for you.
23. “What are you doing tonight?” – your dad
At least someone cares what you're doing. It would be nice to hear this from someone other than Pop, though.