Being single on New Year's Eve is about as sad as being single on Valentine's day -- but at least on New Year's Eve, it's acceptable to get wasted.
If we're being honest here, the only way to get through a holiday that requires any type of kiss by the end of the night is to make sure your head's in a toilet at that point.
Because take it from the ultimate single girl, New Year's Eve is not about balls dropping and perfect kisses, it's about enough champagne to give you the courage to yell at the couple making out before 12 and maybe a flirtatious fling between you and the street meat guy (Hey, without the apron and a clean beard, Rahim wouldn't be half bad).
Unlike what Hollywood has led you to believe the occasion to be, New Year's Eve is a lot different than Ashton Kutcher making out with you in an elevator or Meg Ryan finding her ideal man at the stroke of midnight.
There's no hot make-out sessions or proclamations of love, but an ongoing herpes epidemic and another example your mother will use when telling you how worried she is about you.
But hey, we're fine. We single gals have been through worse and we will get through this New Year's Eve like we do every holiday. Hell, by this point, we're pretty much professionals at eating our feelings and watching hot couples hold hands.
We're immune to all the cards, streamers and mistletoe. We're stone cold rocks against the voracious tide of couples who think they're in love (but have only been together two days).
We know how to act in the presence of "concerned" adults and annoying women who think they're in love. We're f*cking soldiers who have been on the front line for a long time.
We know how to avoid all the traps, buried mines and men with hidden motives. We know what to do at midnight, just like we know what to do come February 14.
We've fought this battle before, and we will fight it again. Yet for anyone who thinks that this battle against one of the worst holidays of the year is like a Matt Damon film that has a happy ending, stop watching now.
Because New Year's Eve is more like a "Series of Unfortunate Events" that involves one too many awkward encounters and serious blows to the ego. There is no happy ending, just an ending you probably won't remember.
So for all of you who want to take a look at the single gal's life, here's exactly what it looks like on New Year's Eve.
1. Debating how gross it is to kiss someone just because you have to.
2. Thinking about “When Harry Met Sally.”
3. Throwing up into a toilet while your best friend holds your hair back and incessantly complains that she’s missing everything.
4. Being a wasted mess.
5. Texting your ex.
6. Screaming at people on the street who are making out.
7. Hiding in the bathroom when the clock strikes 12.
8. Eating street meat.
9. Wishing next year will be different.
10. Cock blocking your best friend so she won’t have a kiss either.
11. Drunk online shopping... because this year's going be different.
12. Passing out somewhere that's not your bed.
13. Ripping another pair of stockings.
14. Staining another dress.
15. Thinking you’re still young enough to beer bong.
16. Talking to the guy in the ridiculous outfit.
17. Telling yourself you’ll never do this again.
18. Posting on Instagram something that makes it look like you're having a great time.
19. Incessantly checking your Instagram likes.
20. Asking people if it happened yet.
21. Wishing you didn’t spend $50 on this f*cking dress from ASOS.
22. Looking at everyone else’s slutty dresses.
23. Regretting how you much you spent on this ticket.
24. Regretting how much money you spend in general.
25. Telling yourself that starting next year, you're going to save money.
26. Waiting in line.
27. Seamlessing from your phone
28. Seeing if anyone is doing something better in the group chat
29. Screening phone calls from your dad
30. Being either too old or too young in the club.
31. Thinking about the guy you broke up with five years ago.
31. Getting a cold sore from that guy you decided to settle for.
32. Eating those stale cookies your mom sent for Christmas.
33. Trying not to call your mom and cry helplessly into the phone about how miserable you are.
34. Waiting in another line.
35. Trying to get a cab, alone, wishing you had someone to do it for you.
36. Cuddling with your best friend.
37. Performing a séance.
38. Trying to make drunk munchies from crackers and relish.
39. Telling your best friend you're getting a dog tomorrow.
40. Drunk texting your coworker.
41. Locking yourself out of your apartment.
42. Asking your hot neighbor for keys, even though you know he doesn't have them.
43. Trying to make out with your hot neighbor.
44. Sleeping in the hallway because your hot neighbor has a girlfriend.
45. Vowing that next year will be different.