Ah, Seamless: a true gift from the gods. Is there anything better than being horizontal while browsing food menus? (No.) You have an excuse to exert as little effort as possible, all while gaining the greatest reward: food.
Sometimes (OK, who are you kidding? Most times), you just want to lie in the comfort of your own home while people prepare and deliver your meals directly to you. And, honestly, where's the harm in that?
Well, it's directly reflected in your dwindling bank account.
But how do you know you have a problem with delivery?
1. Even your doorman knows you can't cook
Despite the fact that you live with one or two other people, your doorman is well aware that whatever food is being delivered is going straight into your arms.
He laughs at you as he buzzes up to your apartment, letting you know that your long awaited food has arrived.
2. Whenever you tell your family you need to budget, the first suggestion is to cut the delivery costs
What? Cut delivery costs? How else am I supposed to eat? You mean... grocery shop?! And cook? But how?!
One word: Pinterest.
3. You don't even browse menus anymore, you go straight to your rolodex of recent orders
You order delivery so frequently that you've basically eliminated the process of picking out what it is that you want. You have eight to 10 orders that you simply rotate through regularly.
Luckily for you, they reside in your "recent orders" section, which makes the process seamless. (See what I did there?)
4. The fact that Pinkberry delivers made a huge difference in your life
If you don't know, now you know. (And you're welcome.)
5. You have fallen asleep and missed not one, not two, but more than five deliveries on different occasions
...All of which resulted in your delivery privileges being revoked from said restaurant establishments.
Fun fact: They will not refund your credit and they definitely won't leave your food at your door.
6. You Irish Exit bars in order to eat
Why waste your calories on another cosmopolitan when you can just go home and order mac and cheese?
7. Fat Kid Sundays are your favorite day of the week
Is there any better way to cure a weekend's worth of hangovers other than lying on your couch while you place order after order online? Throw in some "Law And Order: SVU" and you are good to go for the entire day!
8. You are an expert at fighting for discounted meals
"The estimated delivery time said my food would arrive between 25 and 45 minutes, it has now been 67 and half minutes."
9. Nothing pisses you off more than a delivery fee
What? What does this delivery fee even cover? Isn't this your job when you offer a delivery service? Does that apply to the tip? This is bullsh*t.
(Hits "Confirm Order" button anyway.)
10. Actually, the fact that the delivery man doesn't have a pen for you to sign irritates you just as much as the fee
How do you expect me to sign this receipt if you don't provide me with the adequate tools? It's 2014, who the f*ck even has a pen in their home anymore?
11. Staying -- and ordering -- in with your best friend sounds much more enticing than going out and drinking
The calories taste so much better when they come in the form of food as opposed to alcohol. Who actually enjoys drinking? No one. Who enjoys eating? Everyone.
12. You can count the number of times you've cooked an actual meal on one hand
Does putting a frozen meal in the microwave count as cooking? Because if it does, I may be closer to 10.
13. Once a month you tell yourself, this will be the day you start cooking
...Only to find yourself ordering online three hours later.
14. Your favorite game is to see who can make it to your apartment first: you or the delivery man.
Taxi rides have a whole new meaning when you are rushing to your apartment for the food you just ordered. It's like the thrill of running without exerting any effort.
15. You spend your time waiting for delivery by pregaming with whatever is laying around in your kitchen
Half an avocado, a spoonful of ketchup, a handful of your roommate's cereal — it doesn't matter what it is as long as it's edible.
16. You know you're going to order dinner, but you can't help staring into the fridge for answers
You try and make yourself feel better about the fact that you can't cook for sh*t by pretending you are "searching the refrigerator for ingredients."
Too bad the last time you went food shopping was when you lived at home...
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