The best sex comes spontaneously, and this was no different.
We eyed each other at a busy dive bar downtown. He was sitting on the opposite end of the bar along with several friends.
We were both drunk and, let’s face it, horny.
My girlfriends and I were getting ready to bounce. Right as I slipped my jacket on, my mystery man approached me with a grin.
“You can’t be leaving so soon,” he said.
I looked at my friends, who both rolled their eyes and backed away. I’m normally quick about brushing off creeps, but it had been a few weeks since I had gotten any.
Taking a seat next to him, I slid out of my coat. We talked for a short while. I learned he was a 28-year-old cop who lived somewhere in Queens.
Good enough for me.
I don’t remember how or why, but we started kissing. His hands were on my thighs, inching north.
At some point, we figured it would be a good idea to slink off to the bathroom. It was one of those single stalls, so we knew the likelihood of getting interrupted was slim to none.
Here’s the thing about bathroom sex. Most bathrooms in bars are straight up cesspools of graffiti, filth and sh*t on the walls.
We should have covered our entire bodies in oversize condoms to avoid contracting whatever terrible diseases covered the walls.
A bar bathroom isn’t the only stupid place to get your bang bang on. The shower (has anyone had good shower sex before?), your parents' bed (ew) and basically any spot you sexed as a teenager are just as nauseating.
Next time, just stick to your bed.
1. In the shower.
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Seriously, this only looks hot in movies and reality shows. Every time I try it, I nearly fall on my ass and break my f*cking tailbone.
Plus, I’m a New York City girl. My bathtub can barely fit one person, let alone two.
You know what’s sexy? Getting it on with hands and knees resting on a fuzzy bathmat. Your tailbone will thank you.
2. In the fresh air.
Everyone is really into public sex and I don’t get it. I get the adrenaline rush associated with almost getting caught, but what happens if you actually get caught?
I've had plenty of park, rooftop and beach escapades and, frankly, there's nothing fun about constantly having to look over your shoulder to see if a cop is coming.
Yeah, I prefer my record free of any public indecency charges, thanks.
3. In your parents' bed.
Serious question: Why do people find this hot?
Is it supposed to be a giant “f*ck you” to your mom and dad? Is it because you want to go full circle in the bed they probably conceived you on?
On the plus side, you can single-handedly fund your therapist’s next vacation.
4. At the office.
Life is not a really awful porno.
People will know you're hiding under your coworker's desk. They will also realize why you're hogging the bathroom.
Get it together and wait until you get home. HR (and the cleaning staff) will appreciate it.
5. In a taxi cab.
In a cab, where the driver is virtually a foot away from you and he (and whomever he is on the phone with) can hear everything? Gross.
And yes, for the record, he is judging the living sh*t out of you. No tip is large enough to cover this.
Seriously, just wait to get home.
6. In a plane bathroom.
There's hardly enough room for you in there, how the f*ck are you fitting two?
The lighting in there is sh*t and chances are good one of you will hit the hand dryer with your ass.
Make like Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. Just do it on your seat.
Or, you know, rent a private jet.
7. In a cemetery.
Yeah, nothing revs my engine more than a bunch of dead people and crying relatives.
This is also how horror movies begin.
8. In a place of worship.
Actually, scratch that. This one is hot.