Calories are the devil... unless they come without a price.
Why is everything better when it’s free? It’s one of the many unsolvable dichotomies we won’t be able to explain -- right up there with our attraction to Josh Hutcherson and Kylie Jenner's lips.
Even if you’re on a diet -- even if you’ve sworn off carbs before alcohol, even if you know you'll have to spend an extra hour at the gym -- the pull of free food is sometimes just too strong.
Because, it's not just food... it's free food. In a world where everything has a price, refusing free food is like meeting Amber Rose when she's wasted and not asking about Kanye. How could you not? Are you really going to pass this up?
Any woman faced with a coworker's birthday cake celebration, promotional food, or Friday pizza day at work understands the struggle of the Free Food Dilemma (FFD).
FFD isn’t to be taken lightly. Almost all women suffer for it and from it. There are few things you can do for a woman in the middle of a FFD crisis aside from just being there to support her.
She'll become another woman, a girl with desires and hatred beyond anything you knew of her. She'll become a master of manipulation and trickery.
If you try to persuade her away (because she told you to under any circumstances), she'll come up with a myriad of logical reasons why she certainly can eat a piece of chocolate cake right now.
And, while you may believe her, let her go on and enjoy that piece of harmless birthday cake, she won't actually enjoy it, because she's not answering to you, she's answering to the 55 spastic thoughts going through her mind.
1. Really, Jessica?
2. You just had to have a birthday on the week you know I'm doing my juice cleanse.
4. Is that chocolate cake?
5. You dirty, dirty whore.
6. No! Don't offer me any! Jesus Christ. Really?
7. There's a special place in hell for people like you.
8. You and those women "who don't gain weight."
9. They must take huge dumps.
10. It does look good, though.
11. I'm just going to look at it for a little. Looking never hurts.
12. It doesn't even look good.
13. It's all processed sugar.
14. I miss processed sugar.
15. Why can’t they offer something like celery sticks?
16. They can have buffalo sauce for Bill over there, so why not something healthy for me?
17. I mean, this really doesn't count. It's a birthday.
18. Like wine at church.
19. You know what? I deserve this.
20. Besides, I’d rather save money than calories.
21. If I eat now, I don’t have to cook dinner later.
22. Technically, this could count as the breakfast meal I forgot to eat.
23. I’ll walk home after work.
24. F*ck that. It's way too cold. Stop lying to yourself. You piece of sh*t!
25. I promise to do an extra 15 jumping jacks... never!
26. It’s early enough...
27. That's a really small piece. I could just eat the top.
28. There are people starving around the world. I should do this in honor of them.
29. Wait, can I take it home?
30. No, because then I'll never stop.
31. I get my period next week.
32. This will be my PMS meal.
33. I could die tomorrow.
34. I had a really bad day.
35. I didn’t have a big lunch at all. I hardly finished my smoothie!
36. It’s just one day.
37. Everyone is going to think I'm some prissy b*tch if I don't have a slice.
38. What’s the point, anyway?
39. I'm just going to get old and fat in a few years.
40. If I can't be model thin, I'll be Kim K curvy.
41. Yeah, I'll let this go to my ass.
42. A fat ass is better than no ass.
43. If I had a boyfriend, this wouldn't matter.
44. Since I don't have a boyfriend, I'll just do whatever I want.
45. But, then, how will I get a boyfriend?
46. I hate society.
47. Why does it always have to be carbs?
48. Because carbs are cheap.
49. And everyone loves carbs.
50. I'll be really good tomorrow.
51. I'll just eat fruit and nuts.
48. I won't even eat the Luna bar I've been saving.
49. I could splurge for a Juice Generation -- those are healthy and filling.
50. Eight bucks for a smoothie just doesn't seem worth it.
51. It's not really free if I have to pay for a smoothie tomorrow.
52. F*ck Jessica.
52. I bet her parents still pay for her rent.
53. My parents should pay for my rent.
54. Wait, where'd my cake go?
55. Did someone take my piece of free goddamn cake!?
56. Wow, really?!
57. I'm gonna...
58. Wait. Why is this fork dirty?
59. Why is there a dirty fork in my hand!
60. But... no... I was just... it didn't...
61. F*ck it.
62. I'm taking a second goddamn piece.
63. F*ck you, Jessica.