“You and I will always be unfinished business,” the current love of my life said to me as he got up from his seat. He noticeably refrained from kissing me out the door, leaving me once again suspended in time with a lovesick heart.
Note to self: Never be in the business of keeping a man who does not want to be kept.
There’s always that moment when you’re on the cusp of really, truly, madly, deeply falling in love with someone. You dance around the edges like you’re about to take the plunge by finally admitting to yourself: Yes, that queasy-but-exciting sensation pulsing through your body means you really do love this person.
Take a water break and pull yourself back. Don’t let yourself slip into the trappings of love. It stinks.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Love Stinks Club, where the only refreshments served are fresh tears and alcohol, and where sulking is the new twerking.
We’re a bunch of heavy-hearted souls who are so disenchanted by our objects of affection that we’ve completely lost ourselves in the process.
We don’t even want to endure adoring this person anymore, but we just can’t help ourselves. It’s a new kind of masochism, really. If love is supposed to lift you up and enliven you, why does it have to hurt so much?
Perhaps loving someone with all your being might just be overkill. It literally consumes you to the point where you forget why you are special and deserving of love, too.
No wonder this person on the receiving end has a hard time reciprocating; it’s dangerous to want anything that badly.
And if you are lucky enough to acquire even a fraction of the attention, it’s still never enough. In fact, it can make you feel more alone than ever because you know deep down that you care way more than the other person, and yet, you have no way of channeling it.
Time froze. I retreated back to the confines of my room where the bed was left unmade, sheets freshly wrinkled from our brief encounter.
Looking at them, I thought about how he gingerly touched me. How, for months, we’ve been eyeing each other and letting the attraction build. How he is able to withhold it so strategically and I just. Can't. Get. Over. Him.
I was confused. What did his flirting and hesitations mean? Was he scared or turned on or intimidated? And what was wrong with me that I so easily flushed in his presence and let love’s blinding irrationality overtake me?
Despite fully knowing nothing good can come out of this, I continued to obsess. Because that’s what happens when you’re in love. You momentarily disband all sense of security. It effing stinks.
The only thing worse than a broken heart is a heart that is strung along and kept on life support for way too long. The “I have to get over him" phase becomes long overdue.
Your friends no longer want to hear about the latest Greek tragedy that occurred between you and him on the sidewalk. You run out of mental replays of the rare sound bites in which he said you were perfect. The tenderness seemed to slip right through your fingers even though it never felt like you actually had it.
You’ll cling to anything -- a smile, a brush of the arm, a gaze -- to give reason to keep going. A late-night text means he’s thinking of you (he wants his DVD back). A chance encounter outside the bar is a sign (it’s called a coincidence).
And suddenly, you hate yourself for not being able to move on when you know you should.
I tried watching television but couldn’t concentrate. The only thing worse than trying to not think about it was actually thinking about it.
We couldn’t be together and we both knew it. He lives too far away and carries that distance in his heart. I just wish I could put that same mileage apart from how I feel about him.
Here’s why love stinks:
1. It’s a tease
You have glimmers of it and then it’s gone. Really great, compelling love is fleeting. That’s what makes it so impactful.
2. It hurts a lot
When you really lose yourself in another person you can forget that you are just as incredible. Loving someone so hard -- to the point where it pains -- will only make you sick later.
3. You care too much
Caring too much about the other person doesn’t leave room for you to focus on much else. Every movement or casual conversation takes on a much heavier meaning.
You become obsessed and twist otherwise nonchalant actions into much more symbolic behaviors. And then you’re disillusioned when you realize it was all a fantasy.
4. It doesn’t live up to the Hollywood romance
After daydreaming of the ideal world in which the two of you are together, the real thing can sometimes fall flat. You are wishing for a happy ending that doesn’t exist outside of Disney movies.
5. It consumes you
You compromise relationships with friends and family in hopes of catching him at the gym. You think about your text messages 50 times before ever pressing send.
It’s not a healthy way to function and will only serve to disappoint you even more down the line.
6. He lets you down
After all the signals and flirtations, you’re thinking there’s no way he can’t not be into you; yet, alas, there is. (Excuses herself to go sob…)
7. You feel more lonely
You can’t allow yourself to suddenly fall head-over-heels for someone else, so you’re left without anyone to fawn over, and you're uninterested in anyone who’s pining for you. It’s this empty, gutted feeling that takes a long time to refill.
8. Your heart gets broken
More painful than him not loving you back is him loving you back but being unable to commit.
Pick up the pieces of your shattered soul because there will be a time when someone else will find you irresistible, and then you’ll need your whole heart to love again.
Top Photo Courtesy: Flickr