Even the most tightly wound, supremely uptight entity on the planet wouldn't dare to deny this life truth: Party girls lead tremendously more fabulous, exciting and effervescent lives than their non-partying counterparts.
Our lives are a collection of outrageous stories that will entice and entertain future generations of children and grandchildren to come.
We are the urban legends of the modern millennium, sprinkling stardust across the surface of the otherwise dismal planet.
While the excitability of our lives is hardly a secret, there are a few things the general masses don't quite understand about party girls.
We are a highly underestimated species of woman, and if you so dared to look past the overly simplistic stereotype of the party girl, you would come to find that not only are we undeniably fabulous, we also make for extremely successful women in the wild and wonderful world of business.
Contrary to popular opinion, a party is actually the premier training ground for the corporate culture.
We party girls might as well have an honorary doctorate in international business from Columbia University.
So what is it about party girls that make us the sky-high achieving, endlessly-promoted, raise-receiving wonders of the work force?
I mean, aren't we supposed to be nothing more than mascara-streaked hot messes who carelessly lose ourselves in the vapid glitter of the party?
So how, dear – HOW could it be possible the girls, who can't even bear the thought of more than one night in per week, are killing it in the workplace?
1. We have an endless supply of energy
It takes enormous energy to withstand the trials and tribulations of nightlife. Most people couldn't be party girls if they tried, mainly because their 2 am fatigue would win the battle over 4 am fun.
We party girls, on the other hand, have an endless supply of energy that we are able to beautifully channel into our work.
2. We aren't easily “thrown”
It's amazing to discover how easily people are “thrown” by the mere change of plans.
Party girls thrive in chaos, and we won't lose our sh*t just because our superiors decided to shift our responsibilities at work or add more to our already full plate.
After years of the sensory overload of nightlife culture, being told we have to stay in the office an extra couple of hours is child's play.
3. We are natural networkers
A party is the quintessential social environment. After all, the whole purpose of a party is to engage with strangers.
Networking is a muscle like anything else, and a party girl has been exercising that muscle for years.
Making connections is in our blood; we don't know how NOT to do it. Social skills are gifts no Ivy League education can teach you.
4. We can hold our own anywhere
Party girls are super-independent, mega-confident creatures of the nightclub.
Our thrill-seeking, adventurous spirits have inspired us to go to events solo since we first entered the social world. We don't require hand-holding or molly-coddling.
In short: We're not tiresome wimps. We are vehement self-starters in both the work place and the dance floor.
5. We command a f*cking room
Party girls have been called many things, but a shrinking violet just isn't one of them. After all, haven't we been deemed the very LIFE of the party?
It takes an incredible amount of natural charisma to stand out in the shimmering sea of a nightclub, and WE manage to do so.
When we talk, suits listen.
6. We are not intimidated by “scary men,” let alone business men
If you think for one hot minute we're going to feel remotely intimidated by our ambitious coworkers, you're sorely mistaken, my dear, sweet friend.
Partying is not an occupation for the fear-addled faint of heart — we've had massive, scary-looking bouncers eating from the very palms of our nail polish-adorned hands since we were 16-year-old tiny twinks.
So yeah, the “boy's club” atmosphere of corporate environments doesn't ruffle our sequins in the slightest.
7. We aren't easily rattled
Party girls have the patience of the highest goddess herself. Do you understand how many annoying people we've put up with for the sake of maintaining the tranquility of a party?
8. We won't black out at company parties
Let me dispel this rumor: Party girls are NOT sloppy drunks.
We wouldn't have survived the party if we had incessant blackouts. We are everlasting ladies who know our limits.
Unlike our inexperienced coworkers, we won't make a raging fool of ourselves at the company party.
9. Last one at the party, last one in the office
Party girls just have more stamina than regular people.
10. We rock fabulous attire to the work place
While ALWAYS maintaining professional standards (we do understand dress codes, after all) – party girls aren't going to meander into the office clad in your typical, snooze-worthy, nondescript, poorly-fitted button-down and grandmother flats.
We add flair to the corporate culture.
11. We're not fragile creatures
Party girls can handle just about anything thrown on our leather jacket-adorned shoulders.
We're bionic beings who don't require "eight hours of sleep to function," and rarely do we fall ill.
If you could employ an astonishingly healthy woman cut from steel or a withering waif to work with, WHO would you choose?
12. RSVPs actually mean something to us
Party girls don't get invited to the endless events, fundraisers and wild rooftop soirees because they're flakes.
The flakes get weeded out of the scene faster than the speed of light.
We understand the weight of an RSVP. So when we say we will be at the office Monday through Friday, 9 am to 5 pm, you better believe that's the f*cking truth.
13. We are smart investors
Most people would be SHOCKED to discover how talented party girls are at investing their money in the smartest and most proper ways.
We learned how to prioritize our funds early on in the game, always investing in legal taxis and negotiating for free champagne.
I don't need to explain how well this skill translates into business.
14. We have global connections
The business connections we have developed in the throes of a party are incredible.
We have clinked glasses with powerful people, and they have never forgotten our incredible energy and remarkable presence.
We have partied with CEOs, moguls, geniuses and entrepreneurs from across the globe.
15. We can lead a round table as well as we can dance on one
Party girls are notorious for the irrepressible habit of wildly dancing on tabletops. We can lead a roundtable as well as we can dance on one.
16. Screw you 9-to-5; we thrive ALL THE TIME
Party girls are used to exhausting themselves with dramatically long, arduous stretches of time spent dancing.
An eight-hour work day is nothing – we don't tire out.
17. We are STREET SMART
There are certain things a person can't un-see, and a party girl has a brain burned with some uncouth images.
While parties exist for the purpose of fun – there's a lingering dark side to nightlife culture that can bleed into our worlds.
We aren't innocent, blindly-trusting girls. We are women with a deep understanding of what is real and what is fake, what is right and what is wrong. We can sniff out a sketchy deal in a heartbeat.
We will be the street wise women who singlehandedly rescue your beloved company from tragedy – because we knew better.