I was going through my hate-mail recently (sometimes, like in the case of this post, it gives me inspiration) when I came across this gem: “Why do people call you LARG if your chest is so small?”
Although meant to be insulting, I was actually very flattered. Someone is taking notice of my tits! Someone is actually referring to one of my body parts as small! This never happens!
I'm normally the girl who gets passed over by guys who prefer jugs over hugs. The men who want me are usually type-A, meaning they like A-cups, asses and accents (Jersey, no shame).
My boobs aren't big. They're just one small part (literally) of the total LARG package, but I honestly couldn't care less about their size.
In truth, I quite enjoy my tenure as a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I can sprint the six flights of stairs in my walk-up apartment without hurting myself.
I can wear v-neck shirts to work and not give off an overtly sexual vibe. Sexy open-back shirts are a staple in my closet. My lack of luscious lady lumps won't bring me down.
I've always embraced the bosom that I've got, opting for bandeaus and strapless dresses and even push-ups when I want an extra boost. I can still appreciate a woman with great boobs -- I'm not knocking big knockers here -- but I don't exactly feel like I'm missing out.
It's a wonderful life I lead with these little ones, and I wouldn't think of trading them for a bigger pair.
Breast size doesn't make you more or less feminine, and it sure doesn't make you any less sexy. Women with tiny boobs have a lot of advantages in this world that are directly related to their small cup-size (see: more swimsuit options, sleeping on your stomach and going braless).
We aren't insulted by being called “flat-chested,” and we don't care that watching us run on the beach isn't nearly as exciting as when Scarlett Johansson does it. In fact, we'd rather you not stare at us with your tongues wagging, so thank you.
And to the Internet troll who cared enough about me to find pictures that weren't solely head shots, thank you too. Not only have you helped me write a new, funny original post, but you've also helped me get a few thoughts off my chest.
1. People always look you in the eye
Between cell phones and big titties, engaging in full eye contact with someone is a lost art. Not for ladies with fun-sized boobs, though!
We're able to really hold a person's complete attention because they aren't listening to our breasts, but rather our words.
2. Putting on a seatbelt is easy
We don't slice our chest in half every time we sit safely in a car, and our boobs never embarrassingly stick out against the seat belt during carpools.
You never accidentally turned on someone's dad from sitting in the car seat.
3. Cute lingerie isn't off limits
We can wear strappy, tiny intimate pieces and they won't look like mere nipple coverings. We can shop at any lingerie store with ease because the fit doesn't vary greatly.
4. Hitting second base wasn't a big deal
You never felt slut-shamed in high school because no one considered your lack of boobs to be suggestive. When you take your top off it's like, "NBD, you've seen these before on your pudgy little brother."
5. One sports bra is enough
Wearing two is just out of the question. Way too much laundry.
6. Food that gets caught in your shirt falls straight down to the floor
There's no awkward fishing around or feeling yourself up in order to pick out that piece of popcorn from your cleavage. If it's not in your mouth, it's going down south.
7. You can wear low-cut shirts and not look suggestive
No one is ogling your breast bone. Wearing a low-cut shirt doesn't garner the same kind of attention as when a fuller-chested woman wears one. Or a hairy chested man, for that matter.
8. Crop tops don't look like bras
They look exactly like what they're supposed to look like: your shrunken t-shirt that got further shrunk in the wash (according to Grandma). And in some special scenarios, they can even make your boobs look bigger.
9. Push-up bras would take a bullet for you
Super padded bras are super comfortable and don't make us look like buxom broads in a sleazy car commercial. We can add to what we've already got and it doesn't look cheap or cheesy.
10. Working out isn't an added struggle
Going to the gym is hard enough as it is, we don't need our boobs flopping around to discourage us further. We're able to keep up without our breasts getting in the way.
11. Going bra-less is care-free
We can ditch our ta-ta holders and no one would notice. Our boobs can experience the kind of freedom typically reserved for men and small children. They're able to breath and enjoy life without the metal restraints of underwire.
12. People don't falsely believe that you are top-heavy
Your waist is always well-defined because your boobs don't force your shirt to stick out. You don't resemble a 4-dimensional box when you wear a chunky knit sweater.
13. Family vacations to the beach aren't uncomfortable
It doesn't look like you're trying to seduce your dad when you wear a string bikini. The lifeguard isn't trying to check you out while your mom lies next to you. You might as well build a sand castle because you have the chest of a 5-year-old boy.
14. All swimsuit styles are available to you
Unlike voluptuous women, finding a swimsuit that provides enough support and coverage isn't a challenge for you. You can even shop online because it's not hard to determine your size. There's never a concern that a top won't fit or your tit will pop out. And if it does, you don't actually care.
15. You don't have to endure back pain
Your frontside isn't too heavy for your back to support. You aren't weighed down by your boobs' additional poundage. (Instead we've got an ass that speaks for itself.)
16. Cross-body bags don't look like they're sectioning off your entire body
Messenger bags don't cut your cleavage until it hurts, and you aren't subjected to looking like a bag of balloons.
17. Open-back tops, bandeaus and strapless shirts are always available to you
There's no cut of shirt that is completely off-limits. You can wear any style and you'll know that your boobs won't be an issue. Your fashion tastes aren't compromised by your cup-size. Go on, rock out with your back out! Who gives a tit?
18. Sleeping on your stomach is always an option
Your boobs don't make this position difficult, nor do they raise the rest of your body 5 inches from the mattress.
19. Button-down shirts don't automatically make you look like a hooker in the workplace
No one thinks your dowdy blazer and blouse are provocative when they lie flat against your chest. Coworkers aren't talking about the slutty outfit you dared to wear to the office when, in fact, it's just a button-down and a cardigan.
20. People aren't asking to touch them all the time
Going to the girl's locker room is a totally normal, hands-free experience. Women aren't inquiring about what doctor you used or asking if they can feel them. Everyone knows they're real.
21. You rarely receive the negative attention that a full-busted woman has to endure
You don't have a voluptuous, buxom figure and that's OK. You can walk down the street without self-consciously thinking that someone is staring at your breasts. Keep moving, there's nothing to see here, people!
22. You're confident that guys like you for qualities other than your boobs
Guys who only like women for their bodies are scumbags. If men like you for you and your small boobs then that's all right. But they're probably liars. And, therefore, scumbags. (Just kidding, just kidding. Spare me the hate mail this time.)
23. You can fake people out with water bras and cutlets
What do you and chicken have in common? You can both shake and bake your cutlets! (Apologies in advance for the lame joke. It's almost over, I promise.)
24. Your size rarely sells out
According to a 2013 survey, the average bra size is a 34DD. You are clearly nowhere near that, which means more 32AAs left on the sale rack for you!
25. Meeting the boyfriend's parents isn't an awkward encounter
It's not obvious why he's dating you.
26. You have to be super hot to incite boob sweat
Boob sweat will never be included in your list of afflictions. Your boobs aren't nearly big enough to cause that much friction.
27. You can securely wrap your towel around your chest
Look Ma! No hands! Woohoo, this one deserves a medal (which, coincidentally, will also lies flat against your torso. You just keep on winning!).
28. You are totally comfortable being on top
It doesn't hurt to bounce around up there, on so many levels.