The Perfect Man

by Ally Batista

I’m constantly criticizing and judging both sexes. I criticize so often that I’m almost positive that the majority of my readers think that I sit in an empty room alone, not interacting with anyone. Well no Elite Daily, I do not sit and brood like a miserable bitch for fun, but thanks for asking.

I simply never talk about what I would like in the opposite sex. Let me just throw in a little disclaimer: This is not my profile, and no, I’m not looking for a love interest. I’m simply stating that these qualities embody my perfectly ideal man.

My ideal man has to be the best of both worlds. I hate perfection, and it’s irritating when a guy appears to be as pristine as a Ken doll. However, the guy I end up with has to be smart. I’m a big reader and I always get excited when someone has read the same book as me. If you’re into politics, I’ll add twenty points to your score. It’s fun to debate with someone and discuss what’s going on in the world.

On the other hand, he has to be dumb. Maybe not dumb, but have a dumb sense of humor. Please watch Family Guy with me and be a fan of stupid jokes (Why was six afraid of seven? Because Seven Ate Nine. Get it? Love it.). Don’t roll your eyes at me when I’m rocking out to Blink 182 in the car and please laugh with me when I make a fool of myself.

The perfect man is a sweetheart. He will tuck your hair behind your ear and kiss your forehead, telling you that you’re beautiful, not hot. He’ll bring your mother flowers on Mother’s Day and always be polite around your parents. He’ll open the car door for you, but he also has to be an asshole.

No one likes someone who’s too nice, too polite. Behind closed doors he’ll make fun of you, he’ll curse, completely disregarding the fact that there’s a lady in the room. He’ll have strong opinions on everything and piss you off from time to time. He’ll call you out on your bullshit; tell you when to shut up and when you’re wrong. The perfect man will bring you down to reality and not let you believe that you’re a princess, even though he should treat you like one. Does that make sense?

My perfect man needs to be athletic. He has to have played a physical contact sport like football, lacrosse, or hockey. Something about a man who knows how to take another man down gets me excited. I even love the guys who surf and skateboard. Sports like these give guys natural muscle tone and that to me is fifty times sexier than a guy who spends hours in the gym sculpting his body.

He has to love football and have the ability to take down a platter of wings (with ranch, not blue cheese) and a few beers every Sunday with me, without caring that my fingers are covered in buffalo sauce.

He needs to have that masculine side to him, but he also has to appreciate Star Wars or Lord of the Rings or something nerd-like. If he loves to play video games, that’s perfectly fine. I have things that I love to do on my own; I really hope you have independent hobbies as well.

He has to love music as much as I do. He can’t like country and he has to appreciate classic rock. Hip-hop/rap is acceptable, but it can’t be all he listens to. He needs to appreciate musical talent and maybe play an instrument himself. Preferably guitar.

I honestly don’t consider appearances a high priority when choosing a partner. I mean, everyone cares about appearances; don’t get me wrong, I just have a different view on appearances. I would rather have a guy who is considered “cute” or “okay” than a guy who has model looks. Be attractive, but only attractive to me. I like quirks in men and would so much rather date a man with facial hair and an unkempt mane than someone who is clean cut.

Have your own style: a hybrid of different styles if you will. Be able to dress up for an event but look even better dressed down in a soft t-shirt and jeans. I would rather be attracted to you while you’re lying on the couch watching TV in your high school baseball team shirt than when you’re dressed up.

To some, this list may be a ridiculous and considered a ludicrous request. All of the negative commenter’s out there are going to say that I’m too picky and deserve to be alone and blah, blah, blah but I don’t think I am. I think that there are millions of people out there in this world, and that I will enjoy my single life until I find the one who has all of my favorite qualities. After all, the Elite never settle.


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