The Optimum O: Why Women Should Speak Up For What They Want In Bed

by Danielle Bertoli

I was watching a movie the other night and noticed how, in all of the sex scenes, both the man and woman reached an orgasm at the exact same time. Every single sex scene was this intensely euphoric, almost celestial experience.

I found myself thinking, "When the hell am I going to experience something like that?"

What the majority of movies and shows don’t tell you is that mutually ecstatic, even enjoyable sex, every single time you have it, is not always this divine encounter. The way sex is depicted in Hollywood is not only thoroughly false and completely unrealistic, but also quite comical.

The truth is 80 percent of women have trouble reaching an orgasm solely through vaginal sex. That leaves pretty much every single actress in the history of Hollywood in the 20 percent category of women who have no trouble, whatsoever, achieving climax.

In a small study, British researchers revealed that 80 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 48 admitted to faking an orgasm, either to boost their partners' confidence, or to speed things up out of boredom or feeling uncomfortable.

That scenario is a great deal more relatable for women who are left feeling like they got the short end of the stick after being with their partners.

It’s interesting that the majority of women interviewed in these studies would rather fake their enjoyment than tell their partners what would feel better for them, so they could reach their pinnacle of sexual pleasure, too.

It seems as though sex, whether casual or with the same partner, revolves around the man getting off, while we women are left in the dust.

Of course, this doesn’t ring true for all men; some of the men we date or have physical relationships with, do, in fact, care whether we finish or not.

But, in most cases, it’s more likely we’re stuck in situations where we’re lying next to our satisfied partners, wondering what benefits we are gaining from having sex with them.

I can still remember a "Sex and the City" episode where Carrie is dating a man who is selfish in bed and rolls over right after he orgasms, not realizing or caring whether Carrie is satisfied, too. She decides to reverse the cards and plans to go over his house midday for casual sex, except this time, she has him go down on her first.

Right after she’s done, she gets dressed and says she has to be somewhere. The guy’s reaction is perfect; he doesn’t understand why she’s leaving when she didn’t do anything for him.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where one-sided sexual encounters are the norm, and it’s even more unfortunate women have willingly accepted it to be that way.

Sex is not and should not be a one-way street. If two parties are involved, both should be attaining the same benefits.

It seems we are confronted with two types of men in the dating, hook-up culture: the greedy lover who is only out for himself, and the self-conscious egoist who wants to please his partner just to pat himself on the back for being able to do so.

Just as men are worried about how long they are going to last, women are worried they are going to take too long.

The problem with these circumstances is both men and women aren’t vocalizing their needs or wants, whether in a monogamous or casual sexual relationship.

Facts show the average woman takes about 15-40 minutes to reach an orgasm, and it’s more easily obtained when relaxation and peace of mind are involved. If we feel rushed or uncomfortable, odds are we’re not going to reach our peak.

The most progressive action we can take for ourselves, the female population and all of the one-track-minded men out there, is to speak up about what we want and what we expect when entering a sexual relationship.

No woman should have to feel she owes something to her male companion without receiving anything in return.

It’s an outdated stigma and something we shouldn’t have to tolerate any longer. Embrace the curious and sexual side of yourself; reach heights you once deemed unattainable, and don’t settle for anything less than your optimum O.