Do Not Text Him: 54 Things You Should Do Instead Of Texting Him

by Lauren Martin

Do not text him.

No, not even one simple "hi."

What are you going to get out that?

Do you really care about how he's doing or what he's up to? Do you really want to talk about the weather or what sports game he's watching? Do you really think he's going to respond with what you want to hear?

What's going to happen if you do? Is he going to say what you want him to say? And what's that? "I'm obsessed with you; I'd do anything to be with you."

That's never going to happen. He's never going to say that. What's going to happen is he might respond, or he might leave you hanging -- unable to eat, sleep, talk, think or do anything besides wait for the eventual lame response of "hey" or "nothing, what's up with you?"

It's never worth it. It's never worth being the one who breaks first. It's never worth being the one waiting. You're stronger than that.

You're not the one who waits around, but the one who doesn't even notice when he texted. You're the one in control, the one who doesn't need his vacuous responses to feel good.

Of course, I'm not on the side of games. If you're in a secure spot with him and want to text him, go for it. Waiting an hour to respond to a text or refusing to say something first is just annoying. But this isn't for that woman.

This is for the women who are about to text men (or women) they shouldn't. It's for those who are about to make a mistake and text someone something they have no business texting.

It's for the woman who is about to sabotage herself, about to throw away everything she stands for with a simple "Hey, what's up?" or "I miss you."

1. Match with someone else on Tinder.

2. Stalk someone you hate on Facebook.

3. Paint your nails... so you physically can’t

4. Order Seamless and don't worry about getting fat.

5. Watch another episode of 'House of Cards"... consider a career in government and get yourself a male Monica Lewinsky.

6. Hide your phone... but not too well.

7. Go to the gym without your phone... remember that iPod mini you have?

8. Go out to eat with your parents... they won't let you use it anyway.

9. Call your grandma... hanging up before she answers doesn't count.

10. Post on Instagram... and hope he likes it.

11. Go on a run... and get really toned.

12. Watch the entire "Fast and Furious" series… then have a moment of silence.

13. Get some goddamn self-respect.

14. Learn how to cook... for when he does text you and you eventually get married.

15. Answer this question: Why am I texting him, again?

16. Do some hot yoga... but ask your roommate first.

17. Pick up a new hobby... other than obsessing.

18. Make a gift basket for your neighbor... and never deliver it.

19. Take yourself out to dinner... and hit on the waiter.

20. Spruce up your résumé… hahahaha.

21. Get so drunk you pass out... with your phone on silent.

22. Lose your phone... it may be worth the pain.

23. Go on StreetEasy and look at apartments you can’t afford.

24. Browser window shop... for your theoretical date.

25. Shave those goddamn legs... you can't keep living like this.

26. Stalk him on Facebook... and everyone he knows.

27. Scrapbook your first year of college... if you can remember it.

28. Make some appointments... since you haven’t been to doctor in three years.

29. Pay your cable bill... seriously, pay it.

30. Text someone else... someone you know will respond.

31. Invite your friend over... and talk it out.

32. Watch a Lifetime movie... and feel better about yourself.

33. Clean our your gutters... or someone else's.

34. Clean your room... it needs to be done.

35. Fold all your sweaters.

36. Put all your cereal boxes into plastic cereal containers.

37. Google what actually happened to Kel of "Kenan and Kel."

38. Reorganize your Pinterest boards.

39. Go for a run… maybe past his house.

40. Ask yourself: Is this chevron or stripes?

41. Memorize the 54 countries of Africa and test yourself on them.

42.  Make a mold of your vagina… sell it to Fleshlight

43. If you’ve never smoked a cig, smoke one... if you do, try to quit.

44. Attempt to reach Nirvana.

45. Listen to Nirvana... then Google Courtney Love.

46. Look up some cardio boxing YouTube videos.

47. Play your breasts like drums.

48. Go to American Apparel and buy a leotard... then make a work-out video like Jane Fonda.

49. Take some NyQuil...

50. Take a nice long sh*t.

51. Try to get from Mike Tyson's Wikipedia page to the signing of the Magna Carta, using only hyperlinks.

52. Read Elite Daily.

53. Break all of your fingers, flush your phone down the toilet and hop on a flight to Cuba.

54. ...Or just delete his number.