Everyone tells you that before you get a four-legged friend, you have to be prepared for the time, patience and money that goes into keeping it.
Everyone tells you that you're going to have to cancel on your friend’s weekly happy hours because you have to walk the dog or that flea medication for your cat is going to cost you two weeks' worth of Chipotle.
As a happy mama to both a kitten and an adult dog, I can attest there’s a helluva lot that no one bothers to explain to you.
No one at the pet store will tell you that yes, your cat will love to roll around in your dog’s pee, and then take a nap on your bed.
The adoption agency will say nothing about how dogs have a tendency to take your used tampons out of the garbage and run around the house with them still in their mouth.
You know what else they don’t tell you? This always, always, happens around guests.
Here are the things you need someone to tell you before adopting or owning -- no surprises here.
1. Your sex life will change.
Making sure your lady-bits or man-parts are well taken care of might be hard once you have a pet. Dogs, for example, like to lick their owners' feet whilst getting it on.
My cat was worse.
My feline friend decided that whenever my partner and I wanted to have a little naked time, it was also playing time for her. She would incessantly hop on the bed and swat at anything that jiggled or shook, leading to plenty of awkward moments, apologies and giggles.
I’ve now learned that when I’m about to get some action, there should only be one happy p*ssy in the room.
2. Say goodbye to nice things.
Better invest in a lint roller: All your black clothes are going to be covered in pet hair.
Furry friends have a tendency to lie on top of dirty laundry, so be sure to get as much hair off as you can before dumping it all in your washer.
Don’t think your Louboutins are safe, either. Bushwick Bark owner Dottie Evans suggests hiding your favorite shoes because your dog “thinks they’re the greatest treat of all time!"
If you have a cat, you have to be extra careful: Once a kitty decides the inside of your Vans are the perfect pee spot, you’ll never be able to get that stink out.
3. What’s yours is also your pet’s.
Sure, at first you’ll have plenty of resolve: No jumping on the leather couch. No daytime naps on the bed.
“You'll say your pet isn't allowed on the bed,” Evans quips, "but you’ll eventually cave and snuggle with your pet every night."
Good thing puppies make excellent little spoons.
6. No place is off-limits.
If there’s a place your furbaby is never supposed to go -- the bathroom, your Type-A roommate’s bedroom, inside the dishwasher -- your pet will inevitably end up there.
My cat, for example, likes to take up residence in the fridge. She’ll wait until I open the door and sneakily hop on the bottom shelf.
She doesn’t seem to be the only freak, though. There’s an entire support group dedicated to the "cat in the fridge” situation.
7. Your pet doesn’t give a sh*t about your beauty rest.
Like clockwork, at the crack of dawn, my cat feels the need to meow and swat at my face until I wake up and rub her tummy.
Dogs are worse: They lick your face when they wake up and want to play, which is usually right around the unholy hour of six in the morning.
Additionally, cats give virtually zero f*cks about us, and the less you sleep, the closer you are to death and the sooner you can become a meal (probably to them).
Yet we still love our pets anyway.
8. Your life will be totally pissed on.
Even if you train your beasts to confine their business to a litter box or the great outdoors, they’re bound to mess up eventually -- and their mistakes will cost you your living room carpet or your fancy mattress.
Basically, Amazon Prime a lifetime supply of Nature’s Miracle, and you’re all set.
Even if your puppy pal knows how to use the pad, it doesn’t mean your pet will always be clean about it. Evans warns that wee-wee pads can eventually become toys, and once they do, "you have to stop using them."
Just accept the cold hard truth that your furry friend is a walking, talking poop machine.
Here's something to look forward to: You will soon get as excited about your pet pooping outside as you do Christmas morning.
9. You will learn a new unintelligible language.
You know you’re a pet owner when you start talking to your pup or kitty in some mishmash of baby talk and a stream of consciousness.
“Fluffy” becomes “floofy floofiness,” “cat” will become “Sir Kittenbutt,” and don’t even get me started on all the different ways you’ll learn to say “hello” to your new pet when you come home from work.
Personally, I prefer “Where are my puppyface kittenfluff buttonbutts?” but that’s just me.