Everything You Know Is Wrong: 12 Reasons Why Cats Actually Suck — Scientifically

by Alexia LaFata

I don't know how else to tell you this, but I hate cats.

Slay me, Internet.

It's not that I hate the actual animal itself. Everyone knows little fuzzy kittens are cute, and I do indeed have a soul. I just hate what cats stand for.

I hate the association and obsession with cats, I hate how single girls victimize themselves with cats and I hate that being a "cat lady," a term that once classified someone as a doomed weirdo, is now kind of ironically desired.

I've come to the conclusion... I'm gonna be forever alone and no one will ever like me. Might as well start buying my cats now. — BABE (@xBexBabyx) August 11, 2013
I just realized: the internet has made it okay to be a cat person, a woman, single, and not be labeled a 'cat lady' because internet= cats — Shoshana Kessock (@ShoshanaKessock) August 10, 2014
I guess I'm going to be alone with 293303039 cats forever — its me (@SomeDopeShxt) January 15, 2014
I'm at home alone, on the computer, with multiple cats. I better get used to this. #ForeverAlone — Reed Deming (@ReedDeming) September 11, 2013
I think I just wanna stay single for my entire life and own a billion cats starting now — maci. (@macilynnnnnnn) August 7, 2014

Seriously, what is the deal with single girls and cats?

People who love cats and display their love for said cats on social media are really, really annoying. It's not cute and it doesn't make you quirky, lovable or funny, which I know you're trying to be.

If you want to get creative, obsess over literally any other animal in the whole world. Because while me hating cats is an opinion, it's a fact that cats suck. Here's why.

1. The reason you even like cats in the first place is because of a parasite in your brain

Your brain is home to millions of protozoa, but one in particular, called Toxoplasma gondii, manipulates your behavior to force you to like cats.

This parasite, which lives in 30 to 50 percent of the world's human brains, can only reproduce in the digestive tracts of cats. And, like many living things, it wants to continue surviving, so it has to continue reproducing. But if it lives in human brains, how can it reproduce? Enter cats.

Scientists studied the behavior of T. gondii  in the brain of a rodent, an animal normally petrified by cats, and uncovered extraordinary results.

T. gondii manipulated a rodent's brain to remove the rodent's fear of cats, slow the rodent's reaction time, and made the rodent attracted to the smell of cat piss. Now, the newly-brave, manipulated rat thinks it can befriend its mortal enemy, and it can't. The rat still gets eaten.

As Vice put it:

"The fact that a parasite has learned to sneak into brains, hack some biochemical wiring, and effectively reverse a deep-seated, primordial fear that’s been beaten into the inherited psyche of every living rodent is, in a word, bonkers."

Yes. Yes it is. And T. gondii does the same to you. It deludes you into loving cats.

2. Cats who cuddle with you don't actually love you

You might think your cat is your only friend while you're alone on a Saturday night watching Netflix, but he actually likes you as much as every crush you've ever had does: not at all.

Your cat rubbing up against you has nothing to do with his affection for you. Cats have a great sense of smell, so your cat is secreting his scent onto you so no other cats will come near you.

When he snuggles his body against yours, all he's saying is that he owns you. You are his property. His minion.

Your relationship is emotionally abusive, and you didn't even know it.


3. The way cats do show their love is really creepy

OK, sure, cats can love you. But they let you know by giving you a blank stare, and then blinking at you. That's it. That's affection.

The "kitty kiss" relays certain information about how the cat is feeling. If the cat blinks at you, it's a good thing, but if he doesn't, he's asserting his dominance and potentially feeling aggressive. If the cat stares at you for too long, he's telling you to go away.

All of these subtle movements could be hard to catch if you're not watching closely enough -- which you can't do because staring in a cat's eyes for too long could prompt an attack.

Such mixed signals.


4. If you are alone with your cat and you die, he will eat you immediately

After a Romanian woman died in 2008, her cat ate her entire corpse.

People who live alone and own a cat, beware: If you die by yourself in your house, nobody will know right away, so your body will stay there for several days. Because you are no longer alive, nobody will be around to feed your cat. He will go hungry.

According to a phenomenon called "postmortem predation," a cat will eat your dead body one or two days after you die. It doesn't matter how great of an owner you were. You are now food.

Studies have shown that a dog struck with this phenomenon will at least wait a while before attacking your corpse, so it's possible that someone will have found you by the time the dog realizes he's starving.

But your cat? He's an impatient, merciless savage. Don't feel so safe living alone with your cat now, huh?

5. Cats don't like sweet things, which means they don't like dessert, and everyone knows you can't trust a dessert-hater

All mammals have the required number of taste receptors to detect sweetness. Cats, however, do not. They lack amino acid pairs that make up the DNA of a gene called Tas1r2 that codes for an ability to taste sweet things like cupcakes. Who doesn't like cupcakes? Monsters. Like cats.

Instead, cats love the flavor of adenosine triphosphate (ATP), a compound that supplies energy in all living cells and acts as a signal for meat. Humans cannot detect or taste ATP, so our drive to devour living things is way less than a cat's drive. Which makes sense because cats are the most vicious of cold-blooded killers.

6. Cats kill a hell of a lot of innocent animals for literally no reason

Cats are natural-born hunters. A 2013 study revealed that each year, domestic cats kill 20.7 billion smaller animals, including mice, chipmunks, voles and 3.7 billion birds. Cats are actually the number one killer of these animals.

Cats spend one-third of their day just killing animals, and they don't even do it because they're hungry. They do it because they feel like it. They murder just to murder, like the genocidal barbarians that they are.


7. Cats are irritating show-offs

Cats know they're good at hunting. Many of you probably find it "cute" when they bring their prey to your house and leave it at your doorstep.

But your cat didn't bring you that dead mouse as a present because he loves you. He brought it because he knows you wouldn't be able to hunt for it yourself.

He's telling you you're inadequate at something you didn't even know you could be inadequate at. Like an assh*le.


8. Cat poop could give you a fatal disease

Remember that T. gondii parasite? Normally, it doesn't do anything to harm those humans whose brains it calls home (well, except make you love cats) because your immune system knows how to handle it.

However, for those people whose immune systems can't handle it, exposure to the parasite can cause a disease called toxoplasmosis. It can either give you mild flu-like symptoms, mental disorders like schizophrenia and depression, or kill you.

Feline feces are true safe havens for T. gondii, so you can contract toxoplasmosis by cleaning up your cat's sh*t.

Have I convinced you how terrible they are yet?


9. Cats' purrs are manipulative

While your cat knows how "precious" his little purrs are, he also knows that they're manipulative.

Scientists studied how humans responded to cat purrs mixed with a high-pitched cry. Normally, cats just purr, but when they need something important, they include a specific kind of cry with their purr.

Cats know how sensitive we are to the needs of human babies who also cry, so they try to trick us into paying attention to them by wailing like children.

We fall for it every time. In the study, human owners felt a higher sense of urgency in a situation when cat's purring included crying. Cats have taken what weakens us to our cores and used it to control us.


10. Cats are f*cking stupid losers

Cats are loners. They normally thrive in solitary conditions, so their brains haven't needed to develop the tools to adapt to social environments.

The brains of more social animals, like dogs, have had to grow over time to adequately learn how to socialize. So, social brains -- jam-packed with awesome friend-making abilities -- are bigger than cat brains.

Looks like cats are losers and pea-brained, which means stupid.


11. You know how when you like someone, you're attracted to his scent? Well, cats hate your scent.

Imagine that you have a boyfriend who you love. I know you don't, because you are a single girl who loves cats, but just imagine. Imagine you sleep at his apartment, on his pillow, and imagine how cologne-y and delicious that pillow smells.

Now, imagine waking up the next morning and going home still smelling like that pillow. You probably don't want to wash that scent off, right?

Well, there's a reason why cats are always licking themselves, and it's not to clean up. It's to rid themselves of human scent. Cats don't like your scent. This means they don't like you.


12. Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Mussolini and Hitler were all afraid of cats

All of these people are said to have suffered from ailurophobia, the fear of cats.

If these leaders, who range from notably brave heroes to evil relentless dictators, feared cats in their lifetimes, perhaps we really should start thinking about how awful they are. Honestly, if Hitler is afraid of something, I can only imagine the power that thing has.

That thing is a cat. I'm talking about cats. I hate cats.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It