Men Attempt (And Fail) To Set Guidelines For First-Time Sexual Encounter


Breaking news: men are finally letting us know what they want from “first time” sex (as if they haven’t told us enough)!  Daily Mail published a list of six tips from men to women, letting us know what they “expect.” Thanks for the advice, dudes. Once we live up to these expectations, everyone’s sex life will magically improve! Eh, I don’t think so. The deed goes both ways. We know you don’t want us faking it either, so here’s a little reciprocation to your handy-dandy list.

Okay so…when were we ever receiving all the pleasure? Statistics show that 80% of women have trouble reaching an orgasm from sex alone. How about YOU give great oral sex, and then we’ll talk.

First of all, if we just consumed our body weight in sweets, we probably won’t be having sex. We totally understand that you don’t want to have sex with a dead fish. Neither do we. So, in a slight retaliation, as much as we sometimes love being on top, this isn’t naptime for you.

Sorry, but this one really gets me. So they hold us up to standards of looking like Kate Upton naked, but then wonder why sometimes women are nervous to feel confident being naked in front of men? I’m all for being confident about the skin you’re in, but this advice from men? Please, just don’t go there.

Okay, so you’re giving us guidelines and criteria for what you expect from our first-time performance, and in those guidelines advising us that we shouldn’t “stress” about yours. Isn’t that convenient? We’re the ones who fake orgasms for your sake. Enough said.

We’ll gladly let out an "ummmmm!- ummm…you’re doing it wrong." Seriously, what if we genuinely aren’t enjoying any part of it, though? We should just pretened that we are? How will that ever lead to good sex in the future? Then he’ll keep doing the same sh*t the next time that didn’t work the first time and it’ll just be more awkward when you finally say “babe, I’ve been faking it. You’re really not good at that.”

This is the best one. Thank you, men, for insulting our intelligence. From the sound of the previous guidelines, I doubt we’d want anything to do with this guy after the first time anyway!