Hey, baby girl. I know you’re not here yet. You’re still waiting for the right time to come into my life, and that’s really okay. I’m not ready for you yet because I’m still learning about myself.
Give me another five or six years, and maybe then I’ll be more equipped to be your mom.
Even though you’re not even on the horizon right now, I still can’t wait to meet you.
I wanted to tell you about something. Mommy is going to lie to you.
When we’re kids, we’re taught that lying is a bad thing. Honesty is the best policy. We’re all told that. That’s what I plan to tell you too, to always be honest.
But there are some things that I don’t want you to know. At least not right away. I want you to grow up in a certain way, with a certain set of values. I want you to keep your childlike wonder and innocence for as long as possible.
The world is going to harden you. I don’t want to be the one to harden you.
The only way I can do that is by lying to you. I know that may not seem to make sense, but that is the truth.
I want you to believe in Santa Claus. I want you to think all of your dreams will come true. I want you to believe it’s your personality, not your outer beauty, that will count the most to this crazy, messed up world.
The thing is, these things aren’t really true. I’m sorry I have to lie to you, but this is important. You need to be told these falsehoods in order to find your own truth.
I love you. Here are 26 lies I plan to tell you.
1. Everything is fair in this world.
The world is a cruel place, but you don’t need to know that quite yet.
2. The world will reward you for your hard work.
As you get older, you’ll realize hard work doesn’t always have a nice payout. Though this may be the reality, I never want you to stop working hard.
3. Magic is real.
I never want you to lose your sense of wonder.
4. If you eat your carrots, you’ll be able to see in the dark.
Vegetables may not taste good, but they are good for you.
5. Money doesn’t make the world go around.
Sadly, it is what makes the world work. Yet, if you want to be an artist, I want you to be an artist.
6. Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are real.
So is the leprechaun who turns the toilet green on St. Patrick’s Day.
7. You’re perfect just the way you are.
You’re perfect to me.
8. Two-piece bathing suits can cause rashes.
No little girl needs to be running around in a bikini. I’d like you to keep your innocence for as long as possible.
9. If you don’t do well in school, you’ll have to live in my house and under my rules forever.
Okay, this one is actually kind of true.
10. Showing your belly button in public will get you arrested.
Don’t even think about wearing crop tops.
11. Mommy doesn’t care about her weight.
I refuse to allow you to have a bad body image when you’re still developing an image of yourself.
12. Beyoncé is your godmother.
You are worthy of such a fierce godmother. Unfortunately, Bey is not your godmother.
13. Having sex before 18 will kill you.
I made mistakes when I was young, and I don’t want you to repeat them.
14. Guys love natural beauty.
Men don’t even know what natural beauty is.
15. You will always get an “A” for effort.
Trying your best doesn’t always pay off, but you should always try your best.
16. There is just one person out there for you.
Love is patient, and you should be too.
17. Your first sexual experience is going to be magical.
No, it will be extremely awkward. Sorry for the buildup.
18. People will respect you automatically.
Being a woman in this world is very difficult, and you will often find that people lack respect. You’ll need to prove you’re worthy of it.
19. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
I hate that society puts so much emphasis on beauty standards when you’re such a wonderful person.
20. You are the most beautiful girl in the world.
It’s true in my eyes, but unfortunately, others may not agree.
21. No one will judge you. So, just be yourself!
People will judge you. F*ck them. Authenticity is everything, and that is the truth.
22. You are the best person in the world.
You’re not, but you’re still pretty fabulous.
23. Everyone will like you if you’re always nice.
Absolutely not true. Sometimes life requires being a raging bitch. Luckily, you have mommy to teach you the ropes.
24. You can be anything you want to be.
Unfortunately, baby girl, all dreams don’t come true. I want you to reach for the stars. I’ll be here if you fall.
25. You will famous one day.
You’re probably never going to be famous, but I want you to think BIG.
26. You are a great singer/scientist/dancer/writer/pianist/painter/inventor.
Even if you have zero talent, by George, I am going to tell you otherwise. You’re a star, babe!