Mazel Tov: 18 Life Lessons All Jewish Girls Absolutely Know To Be True


With the Jew-lidays coming up -- “holidays” doesn’t accurately express my excitement for the second long weekend in a row -- we now have time to appreciate just what it means to be a Jew. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are both happening this month, and they’re a time to remember just how much our people have gone through. They’re also a time to remember just how much we love being members of the best tribe ever.

Between the never-ending guilt your mother gives you when you don't call for a week, to posting bat mitzvah photos for #TBT, you know certain things are just ingrained in your curly, Jewish head.

1. Bagels and lox will always be hol-ey.

Any day that doesn’t start off with a cream cheese and lox bagel doesn’t deserve to exist.

2. Never cheat on your Chi.

Your first and most important relationship will always be with your hair straightener. Control those curls — until you get your very first Brazilian blowout and never go back, that is.

3. Always take a bite of your bubbe’s gefilte fish to be polite.

And then spit it out when she’s not looking.

4. You will meet the love of your life at day camp.

You know you’ll never love anyone as much as you loved Moishe from the temple.

5. Your mom is just waiting to put you on JDate.

It’s never too early to find a nice Jewish boy to bring home for Shabbat dinner.

6. You will have to fend off the meshuga mothers and grandmothers trying to hook you up with their boys.

“You have to meet David, he’s a doctor, just divorced one with no kids! Such a handsome boy, has all his hair. You’ll stop by for the next mixer, right? He’ll be there!”


7. You will get compared to Shoshana from "Girls," and you will see the silver lining in that.

Just deal with it, because you have your big girl pants on.

8. You look forward to Yom Kippur because you know you’ll lose 3 pounds, easy.

It’s the holiest day of the year… for your waistline.

9. Your favorite thing to make for dinner is reservations.

Making kosher food is hard, okay? And expensive! We’ll save money by eating out.

10. You might be team iPhone now, but it took years to give up your beloved Blackberry.

How are you supposed to get BBMs?

11. A bat mitzvah will always be better than a sweet 16.

They practically encourage underage drinking at these things!

12. You need to carry a wallet and a coin purse.

All that change won’t fit in your flap wallet — but you’re never going to leave it at home, either.

13. Jewish weddings are the perfect time to be a horah.

See what I did there? All those sons and grandsons you’ve been avoiding meeting, all rallied up in one place. So many single Jewish men!

14. Everyone will know everything about everyone else.

We view gossip as an art form, so yes — you might’ve only told your bubbe about that guy you went on two dates with, but now everyone at the Shabbat dinner table is asking when you’re getting married.

15. Passover is the perfect excuse to go gluten-free.

Team no crumbs.

16. You will have to tolerate all of your friends complaining about frizz in the summer.

Curly hair comes with the title. We just need to deal.

17. You can never go out on Friday nights.

As Mom always says: "Your friends should be having dinner with his or her family too and if not, do you even want to be friends with them?"

18. You’ll have to stay calm every time a stranger asks if you “speak Jewish.”

No, but do you speak moron?