My boss sent out an e-mail about a week ago asking if anyone would be down to try out these new “wedgie” jeans Kylie Jenner has been wearing all over the place lately. I jumped on the opportunity because, honestly, I'm a 10-year-old boy at heart and the word “wedgie” cracks me up. I had no idea what they were or what the point of them was. It just seemed funny.
But then it became a real thing, and I started looking into them. Apparently, they really are ALL THE RAGE these days. Everyone wants that Kylie Jenner style. Levi's created these jeans specifically to accentuate your ass and lift it up to look perfectly round and plump (ew, I hate that I said “plump,” but let's go with it). And IT WORKS.
I am wearing them right now. And I'm telling you... the butt I have walked around with today is not my butt at all. It is a made-up butt created by these magical jeans. And I am so totally OK with it.
#1: I need to wear underwear with these.
I'll be honest with you here: It was laundry day today. I did not have any clean underwear, and my plan was to go commando.
But as soon as I slipped these bad boys on for even just a second, I quickly realized that would not be an option. They aren't called wedgie jeans for nothing. These babies get UP IN THERE. Call me a prude, but I think I would feel a little violated without an underwear buffer.
Luckily, half an hour of searching led me to a pair of clean underwear mixed up in my pants drawer.
#2: These are tight.
Buttoning high-waisted jeans is hard. I am always a size 24 and these were a size 24, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have to suck in with all my might to button them all the way up.
#3: My ass looks INCREDIBLE.
With the jeans on, it was time to check myself out. And BOY OH BOY, did I look fantastic.
I'm a small girl. I have AA cup boobs and a small booty to match my small frame. But, honestly, I don't think my small booty has been given its chance to shine.
Yes, it's small because I AM SMALL. But in proportion to my body, it is pretty big. I mean, it is absolutely definitely 100% THERE. It exists. And unfortunately, a lot of the jeans I wear just don't really showcase it.
These babies did the trick and gave my ass just the accentuation it deserves.
Like, seriously, guys: WHO wore it better?!
#4: They are not at all suitable for anyone living through a Northeast winter.
There's a reason Kylie Jenner wears these all the time: she lives in L.A. The jeans are cropped shorter and loose around the ankles. I am from California and especially sensitive to the cold. In other words, I dress for North Pole weather any time it is below 50 degrees. I'm talking thick sweater, blanket scarf, long skinny jeans with tights underneath, thick socks and snow boots (I don't care if it's not snowing; I'm still wearing snow boots).
So letting WIND IN AND UP MY WEAK LITTLE CALIFORNIA LEGS would not be my first choice in winter. Not to mention the fact that there is no way in hell you can wear boots with them without looking like a total lunatic.
#5: What do you wear them with?!
This question was ESPECIALLY confusing for me in the dead of winter in New York City. If I were still in California, I'll tell you what I'd pair them with: sandals and a crop top. And I would look adorable.
But, alas, I am not there, and it is not summer here, so I was forced to work with what I've got. I went with a chunky white sweater and a simple pair of flats … and my Canada Goose jacket.
#6: People are noticing how INCREDIBLE my ass looks.
I know I already put down “My ass looks INCREDIBLE” as a revelation, but this is different. I get to work at 9:00 every day and meet with my coworkers for our morning brainstorming meeting at 9:45. I was a little nervous to take off my coat and show off my incredible booty to my unsuspecting coworkers during that 45-minute window of idle time. But as soon as I got to the meeting and in the seemingly 97 million degree conference room, I was forced to take it off.
And BOY OH BOY, did I feel like the bell of the ball! People NOTICED. And, you guys, they said my ass looked even better than Kylie's! BETTER THAN KYLIE'S! Like, should I start dating Tyga?! He's not usually my type, but I also don't usually have an incredible ass, so who knows?
#7: My vagina hurts … like, a lot.
After the compliment party in the conference meeting, it came time to sit at my desk. For the next seven hours. It is 2:55 pm right now, and let me please tell you how I am feeling. I am in excruciating pain. My vagina is getting the wedgie of a lifetime. These jeans are RIDING UP IN IT. It HURTS.
But I just have to remember my ass looks incredible. My ass looks incredible. My ass looks incredible.
#8: Is how much my vagina hurts worth how good my ass looks?
And that's the greatest question of them all. Is strutting my stuff around town looking like a Kardashian worth this IMMENSE pain?
Honestly, to me, yeah. I look f*cking great.