While the rest of America were celebrating Independence Day, Kim Kardashian was treating herself. Granted, every day is probably a treat for the woman who hired professional mermaids for her daughter's birthday and flew herself to Paris for cheesecake.
In an unusually lengthy Snapchat story, the Kardashian Kween elaborated on her newest beauty buys (or gifts, probably). The list included a pack of La Mer's Hydrating Facial masks, as well as the nightmarish-seeming Deesse Spectrum mask you've probably already seen on stars like Chrissy Teigen.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Kim's dragon hoard adds up to a knee-shaking $4,000, and that's just five products. And while the family's haters can shake their heads at the excess, beauty geeks can appreciate the amount of work it takes to maintain that famous visage.
Wondering what the hell is going on in this Snapchat story? Read on.
Kim starts off with a classic: La Mer's Hydrating Facial masks, $250 for a set of 6.
La Mer has long been a favorite of the A-list crowd. (Roll your eyes if you must, but they don't just give these out for free.) Eternally young supermodel Cindy Crawford loves the brand's lip balm, and stars like Gwyneth Paltrow attend the brand's parties.
This particular mask is the closest anti-aging treatment to actually bathing in the blood of virgins, something we all know Kim would do if it was legal. She's bathed in her own blood, at this point. The masks promise to reduce dryness and wrinkles, providing the all-important glow that reminds everyone in your family they owe their fame and riches to you.
Now, we're on to serious business: Ziip Nano-Current Skincare Device, $495.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "Gee, my skin looks fine, but I should really run electrical currents through it just in case?" If so, you have more in common with Kim than you may have previously thought.
The star showed off her Ziip, a luxury tool for administering electrical facials at home. Ideally, the gold and white applicator shocks your cells into doing their job on overdrive. That means more collagen, tighter skin and faster cell turnover. It'll also help with under-eye circles, the perfect solution to the bags your husband's frantic tweets and nude music videos are giving you.
Most likely to look like a vibrator, but not be one: Foreo Luna Cleansing Brush, $199.
Kim often shares her love of anti-aging products (read: desperate fear of cracking into bits like Meryl Streep in "Death Becomes Her"), so it comes as no surprise she'd invest money in deep cleansing. Foreo's Luna brush pulsates, using tiny silicone bristles to scrub out each day's pollution and grime buildup.
If you're still hoping to justify the cost, you could probably use it as a vibrator. (Just saying.)
A tool even ET could use to phone home: Lancer's Microcurrent Power Boost, $250.
Kim is a longtime client of Beverly Hills' Dr. Harold Lancer, so it only makes sense she'd be trying his customized beauty treatments. The Microcurrent Power Boost might look like an old-school telescopic pointer, but it's designed to stimulate aging facial muscles and skin with a gentle electric current. Yep, we're back to the "shocking our faces" thing again.
It would seem Kim has learned the hardest lesson of them all: Don't ask your dermatologist for beauty advice, unless you're prepared to fork over big money. Celebrities, they're just like us!
Finally, the Holy Grail of at-home beauty: Georgia Louise's Deesse Spectrum Mask, $2,900.
The day we've all been fearing has come at last, and celebrities are finally peeling off their faces to reveal the robots underneath. Just kidding, that's only the Kardashian family.
This frightening LED mask is the ultra high-end invention of facialist Georgia Louise, enabling the richest among us to get their light treatments without ever putting on pants or getting out of bed. If you can stomach the nearly $3,000 price tag, the Deesse Spectrum mask promises wrinkle-free skin and reversed sun damage.
Oh, Kim. Look at you, living your best life.