Hormone Horoscope App Predicts How You're Going To Feel


I know I'm not the only one who feels like womanhood is a lifelong roller coaster ride I keep begging God to let me off of.

Even though I like to think of myself as a forward-looking, problem-solving type of person, estrogen still has the ability to take everything I like about myself and set it on fire.

A year ago, I decided I needed to do something about this, and luckily, I came across a very handy app called Hormone Horoscope.

Being both an avid lover of astrology and a practitioner of hormonal cage fighting, I naturally downloaded the ISH out of this app.

Needless to say, it's changed my life.

Checking my hormonal horoscope every morning and being able to predict literally every aspect of my day — from my mood to my cravings, to my spending habits — has given me the patience to persevere in the horrible fate that is being a woman.

(But clearly, the app hasn't changed my attitude about it.)

Another perk is, for the first time in my life, I have a better understanding of what is actually going on inside me, and it feels good to be knowledgeable about my body.

When I can't seem to get up from the couch before my period, I know it's because my estrogen has dropped, and my progesterone (the "nesting" hormone) is reaching an all-time high.

When I finally get my period and I automatically feel better, I know it's not just "relief," but an actual rise in testosterone, which gives me the energy boost I need to compete in a world full of men.

To give you a glimpse into the app, on day two of your cycle, aka the second day of your period, here's what to prepare for:

Nice! Just in time for the Women's March!

The app also gives you an idea of impulses you'll want to watch out for:

So, if you're tired of being stuck on the carousel of madness that is owning a vagina, I'd suggest downloading this app.

Then again, if you like terrifying surprises and chaotic mood swings that make you yell, "HELLO!" a little too aggressively at your co-workers once a month, well, it's your life.