Excuse List: All The Things You Could Do Instead Of Going To The Gym
There are few places that we consider worse than the gym.
Sure, you can get all fit and sweaty and potentially scope out some cute dudes. But in reality, the gym is basically synonymous with torture.
First of all, people reek (the showers are there for a reason, folks) and if you go to a smaller gym, you’re always forced to wait your turn at your favorite machine. Plus, let’s face it, we’re all sizing up one another.
While we’re big proponents of working out and staying healthy, we just can’t help but complain about the gym and the culture that surrounds it.
I'll admit, the excuses I pull for not going to the gym are pretty great: having to walk my dog, being on my period, rewatching the last season of "Empire."
So if you feel my struggle, take a look at all the reasons you should ditch the gym tonight and do something way more fun instead.
1. Take an unnecessarily long nap.
Your bed is way better than the treadmill.
2. Give yourself a luxe mani/pedi.
Would much rather hold this Essie bottle than hold that pose.
3. Attempt to bake pot brownies.
Way more relaxing than whatever run you should be on.
4. Watch this video of a rat hauling pizza down a flight of stairs.
That rat is me. I am that rat.
5. Order a pie of dollar pizza.
And poop your life away later. That counts as exercise, right?
6. Complain about it for an hour.
Talking burns calories.
7. Have your friends validate your gym-free existence.
By splitting some chicken fingers with you, obviously.
8. Do your laundry. It's been sitting there for nearly six months.
You’re out of sports bras, anyway.
9. Talk about gay marriage to your immigrant grandparents.
Maybe if you’re lucky, this debate will turn into an actual physical fistfight and you can torch some calories.
10. Clean out your closet.
And realize you don’t own any workout clothes.
11. Read your ex’s entire Twitter backlog.
While you’re at it, go through all his Instagram photos. That’s bound to burn some brain calories.
12. Help your mom set up a Facebook.
Or teach your dad how to use the printer. At least you don't have to move anything.
13. Organize your sock drawer by color.
Then try to figure out why you only own half of each pair.
14. Rewatch every death and rape scene in "Game of Thrones."
All that crying definitely shed some water weight.
15. Watch Honey Boo Boo eat mayo sandwiches.
Or, you know, make mayo sandwiches.
16. Watch every creepy porn video you’ve bookmarked since college.
Or re-enact porn. Either way, it’s more fun than hitting up the treadmill.
17. FaceTime with your one, non-crazy Tinder match.
At least you can keep your pajamas on...or not.
18. Lose your sh*t at the dude that keeps wanting to "Netflix and chill" with you.
When is it ever "Netflix and chill?" Will it ever be "Netflix and chill?"
19. Research every time Cookie slapped the sh*t out of someone.
Wonder if you can do that to your trainer and not get charged...
20. Go online shopping for all the sh*t you’ll wear when you finally lose those couple pounds.
Couch workouts are a thing, right?
21. Eat a doughnut. Or five.
Without judgement. Which is harder than lifting, bro.
22. Read that book you bought in Barnes & Noble after a day drinking binge.
Maybe “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” will actually inspire me to clean.
23. Revamp your OK Cupid profile.
You’ll get more views if you replace “I like to go out with friends” with “I like to practice Krav Maga."
24. Get your coochie waxed.
It’ll help you actually get laid at some point in the near future. Sooner than if you were to actually commit to losing weight.
25. Make 3D-printed gummy candy.
Next step: Eat 3D-printed gummy candy.