We women are confusing people -- it's okay, you don't have to tell us this, we already know. No, I'm not trying to perpetuate a stereotype or make a mockery, it's just true. Human beings are complex creatures, women included. The sooner we accept this, the sooner we can learn to laugh at ourselves.
We hide behind sarcastic phrases and straight up lies in hopes of improving our reverse psychology skills, tricking people into believing what we want them to believe.
We say we're fine when we are most definitely not and we send our men out to guys' night, wishing them a great time when secretly we don't really give a sh*t if they have fun or not.
We have all been guilty of hiding behind claims and false expressions, hoping whomever we're talking to can read our minds, or at least be tricked by our statements.
Here is the dictionary of what we say and what we really mean when we say it:
I'll be ready in five minutes...
What it means: I have yet to shower; I just got out of the shower and haven't touched my hair yet; I can't get my eyeliner wings even; I've tried on four separate outfits and hate every single one of them
Why we use it: To convince whomever we're talking to that we are not high maintenance regardless of the fact it takes us over two hours to get ready
Used in a sentence: "Stop calling me every half hour, I said I would be ready in five minutes!"
Synonyms: I'm on my way; I'm leaving right now; See you soon
Do I look fat?
What it means: I have been cheating on my diet for the past four days and now it's the weekend and I need you to tell me I look good
Why we use it: Because we never really think we look good unless the compliment comes from someone else
Used in a sentence: "I had an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich, Chipotle for lunch and Penne Alla Vodka for dinner, but I want to wear this crop top -- do I look fat?"
Synonyms: Ugh, I am so gross; I think I'm getting my period; Is this flattering?
I don't even like him...
What it means: I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with him, but am trying to play it cool
Why we use it: To convince ourselves the boy ignoring us sucks when we just spent the last two hours stalking his most recent ex-girlfriend to assess the competition
Used in a sentence: "It's fine that he didn't respond to my last text, I don't even like him."
Synonyms: I'm too good for that; Ain't nobody got time for that; He just sucks
How do you know her?
What it means: What is your sexual history with that girl you just said "Hi" to?
Why we use it: To appear less invasive and creepy to guys we are talking to
Used in a sentence: "How do you know that girl who ran across the room just to hug you hello?"
Synonyms: Did you used to date?; Have you slept with her?
I don't even want a boyfriend...
What it means: I am so single it hurts, but currently have no guy situation on my radar whatsoever
Why we use it: To convince ourselves that even if the opportunity presented itself, we still wouldn't embrace it
Used in a sentence: "I'm so happy the two of them found each other, but, honestly, I don't even want a boyfriend."
Synonyms: I love being single
I'm not even hungry...
What it means: I'm f*cking starving and haven't eaten anything substantial in over 10 days
Why we use it: To cover up the fact we gave up eating carbs in preparation for the summer
Used in a sentence: "I'd rather not get Mexican food today, I'm not even that hungry."
Synonyms: I don't enjoy eating that; I have a fake food sensitivity/allergy/religious belief that prevents me from eating basically anything on every single menu that exists
I barely ate anything today...
What it means: I ate my weight in tortilla chips, chocolate, goldfish and basically anything and everything I could've gotten my hands on today
Why we use it: To give us an excuse to eat more in front of other people
Used in a sentence: "I'm totally down for a group Italian feast, I barely ate anything today as it is."
Synonyms: I forgot to eat; I just didn't have time to grab food
I'm only having one drink...
What it means: I'm getting sh*t faced and won't remember my own name by the end of the night
Why we use it: To fool ourselves into thinking we have self-control
Used in a sentence: "I have a really busy day tomorrow, so I'm only having one drink tonight."
Synonyms: I am not blacking out tonight
Ew, he's like my brother...
What it means: You had sex once, it was terrible, so you put him back in the friend zone
Why we use it: To explain friends with the opposite sex to the person we're either dating or hooking up with
Used in a sentence: "Did you guys ever hook up? No, ew, he's like my brother."
Synonyms: We're way too close friends for that ever to arise; We made out once, but it doesn't count
It's whatever, I'm over it...
What it means: I am far from over it and have been cyber-stalking him every day since we stopped speaking
Why we use it: To try and convince ourselves, as well as other people, we have won the breakup
Used in a sentence: "Do you know who he's hooking up with now?" "I mean, it's whatever, I'm so over it."
Synonyms: I, literally, couldn't care less; Sucks to suck
She isn't even that pretty...
What it means: She's a perfect 10 and you're jealous
Why we use it: To make ourselves feel better and reconfirm that we are the more attractive option
Used in a sentence: "I mean he can get with her, I really don't care because she isn't even pretty."
Synonyms: I'm so much better than she is
I wasn't that drunk...
What it means: I was absolutely hammered, woke up with the lights on, drunk dialed my ex 12 times and slept through two delivery food orders
Why we use it: To make ourselves feel better at the ridiculous state of our behavior from the previous night
Used in a sentence: "What are you talking about? I didn't do that... I mean I wasn't that drunk."
Synonyms: I remember my entire night; I didn't even take shots
OMG! I'd never tell anyone...
What it means: I'll just tell my best friend who won't tell anyone, my mom and obviously anyone else who swears it won't get back to that person
Why we use it: To convince someone to divulge a really juicy secret
Used in a sentence: "You can tell me if you slept with her boyfriend, I'd never tell anyone."
Synonyms: You can trust me; Why would I ever tell anyone?
I didn't want to go out with him again anyway...
What it means: He never called me again and my ego is shot
Why we use it: To trick ourselves into thinking we weren't interested in the first place when, in reality, we would have given it another shot
Used in a sentence: "No I haven't heard from him, but it's fine because I didn't want to go out with him again anyway."
Synonyms: I just wasn't that into it
It didn't even count...
What it means: We fully had sex, I'm just too ashamed to admit it
Why we use it: To prevent our real number from increasing
Used in a sentence: "Yeah, he slept over, we fooled around a little, but it totally didn't count."
Synonyms: We did everything but...
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