10 Reasons My Dog Will Always Be My Low-Key Soulmate

I was talking to a guy who wouldn't take “no” for an answer. He didn't seem to get I just didn't want to go on a date with him. He wasn't shady or threatening, I just didn't feel like coming home late that night.

In a desperate attempt to win me over, he texted, "I'd be down to just walk your dog with you, let's make this work!"

Walk my dog? As in Chloe, the biggest c*ckblock known to mankind?

Sorry, gents, but that sassy Pomeranian Chihuahua mix has been my girl since day one. She knows my flaws, strengths and even what I mumble about in my sleep (I don't think she's learned to speak English, yet). All of this points to the fact that Chloe will always be my true love.

Random Tinder dude, you'll always come in second to my doggy bae.

1. She has seen me naked more times than any man.

Chloe doesn't judge me when I get a mysterious pimple or don't shave my legs for three months. She doesn't care about my food baby or the creases my pillow leaves on my face.

She also gets to see me in my birthday suit multiple times per day. She's better acquainted with all my curves and secret tattoos than you will ever be.

Also, Chloe will never body-shame me or tell me those jeans make my ass look lumpy.

2. She's cuter than Ryan Gosling cradling a basket of puppies.

Gosling, Chloe's chubby legs and persistent tail wag are way more up my alley than your six pack. She's so cute, in fact, that I have never been able to walk her without someone stopping me in my tracks to pet her perma-scowling face.

She's also so devastatingly adorable that guys virtually only swipe right on me because she's in my profile photo. That makes her the doggy equivalent of Justin Bieber.

3. She loves me unconditionally.

My ex-boyfriends had a way of pointing out when I gained weight or acted irrational. Chloe, bless her, gives zero f*cks.

If I come home in a bad mood, she hops onto my lap to comfort me, licking the ever-loving sh*t out of my face. Better yet, she's always happy to see me and that's more than I can say about anyone else in my life.

4. She always believes in me.

My ex didn't think I could get a full-time job as a writer. I might've not had Chloe then, but I'm sure she would've backed me up.

To her, I'm excellent in everything I do. Singing? She'll howl along to my bad rendition of “Sorry.” Cooking? She'll eat just about anything I make, even if it's burnt. Find me a guy who does that.

5. She's just as picky about people as I am.

Chloe is not the kind of dog to jump up and love anyone who showers her with affection. She's harder to win over than that. In fact, she openly growls at anyone she doesn't know who tries to pet her. Basically, she's me in dog form.

I find it hard to get along with people, and do my best work when I'm alone or with a small group of friends. For the two of us, the best pastime is being antisocial together.

6. She makes me happier than anyone else.

Studies show dog owners are happier than cat owners and people without pets. Chloe is the key to lifelong contentment, and that's fine by me.

Seeing her silly little face when I come home cheers me up way more than any guy, friend or drink can. That is, until I discover the giant pee puddle she left in the living room.

7. She's down to get silly with me.

Chloe doesn't know the difference between a serious conversation and a playful one. She's down for whatever I'm in the mood for that day, which I appreciate. It goes hand-in-hand (paw-in-paw) with loving me unconditionally.

Better yet, she won't think less of me for wanting to roll around in bed and listen to old-school Britney Spears. What's not to love about that?

8. She doesn't get offended.

I've called poor Chloe a dipsh*t and assh*le during this past week alone. I do it out of love, not because I'm a horrible pet owner. Believe me, there are plenty of treats and hugs in store for her after, so I hardly think she cares.

No matter how many times I gently call her mean names, Chloe still wants more.

9. She doesn't get jealous.

Just kidding, Chloe gives side-eye that would make a diva like Mariah Carey wilt. And that, to me, is a sign of true love.

10. She helped me through the dark times.

I adopted my pup at a particularly bad time in my life. I was unemployed, had just undergone a huge breakup and was evicted from a fairytale apartment.

Not to sound too sappy, but Chloe kind of saved me. She went to therapy with me, forced me to go outside and made me lead a far more active life. She taught me a kind of joy that I didn't have up until the day I saw her in the shelter, and I can never repay her enough in Milk-Bones for that.