17 Lies All Girls Tell When They're Intoxicated And What They Really Mean

by Ashley Fern

Drinking and lying are two things that girls think they are amazing at... and, most of the time, they're terribly wrong. We say ridiculous things when we're intoxicated, going as far as to actually believe these things ourselves.

We think we're tricking our friends, but they know exactly what we're doing, even if they choose to let it slide because, well, alcohol.

But everyone knows drunk words are sober thoughts, so what do we make out of these claims? Lucky for you, we're going to lay it out for you plain and simple...

"I'm not going home to eat..."

What it means: There's a 150 percent chance I am ordering Seamless during the taxi ride home

Why we use it: To convince ourselves we actually have some level of self-control

Used in a sentence: "Why are you leaving so early?" "I'm just tired. It's not like I'm going to go home and eat..."

Synonyms: I'm going right to bed when I get home; I don't even like pizza

"My name is..."

What it means: My name is nothing close to that

Why we use it: So we don't have to tell the creepy guy at the bar any personal information about ourselves

Used in a sentence: "Oh nice to meet you, my name is Anastasia." (Said the little, white Jewish girl)

Synonyms: My name is whatever you want it to be

"I won't text him..."

What it means: I'll text him, probably more than once, and then edit the conversation and pretend it never happened

Why we use it: So that when he responds, we can show our friends and pretend he initiated the conversation

Used in a sentence: "Ashley, why do you have your phone out?" "I'm just checking Instagram, GOD! I won't text him."

Synonyms: I don't even have his number

"I'm not even that drunk..."

What it means: I'm wasted and think I'm keeping my composure

Why we use it: To downplay the fact that we are on the verge of blacking out

Used in a sentence: "Ashley, do you really think you need another drink?" "Shut up, Brittany, I'm not even that drunk."

Synonyms: I didn't even take any shots; I have to be up early tomorrow, of course I'm not that drunk

"I love everyone here..."

What it means:  Maybe if I keep drinking, I'll actually be able to tolerate these people

Why we use it: To try and convince ourselves we're with the greatest people, like, ever... when we know we'd rather be home alone, curled up with Netflix

Used in a sentence: "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, I just love everyone here!"

Synonyms: You guys are my best friends; I love everyone

"I'm having so much fun...!"

What it means: I'm having the worst time ever, but maybe people won't realize that if I keep reiterating how much fun I'm having

Why we use it: To attempt reverse psychology on ourselves

Used in a sentence: "This is the best night ever... I'm having so much fun, woo!"

Synonyms: This is the best night ever; Thanks for inviting me out

"I'm just going to have one drink..."

What it means: I'm going to attempt to pace myself, but am fully aware I will epically fail

Why we use it: To make ourselves feel like we have self-control for a solid five minutes

Used in a sentence: "Nah, I don't want any tequila shots, I'm just going to have one drink tonight."

Synonyms: I'm trying to be responsible; I can't be hungover tomorrow

"That guy is cute..."

What it means: I haven't gotten laid in over two months and I'll settle for anything above a hard 5 right now

Why we use it: To justify making out with a semi-decent looking stranger at the bar

Used in a sentence: "Do you see that guy looking at us over there, he's cute..."

Synonyms: I've got my beer goggles on tonight

"I'm just going to stay out until 12..."

What it means: I'm not getting wasted and will call it an early night on my own free will

Why we use it: To act as our own babysitters

Used in a sentence: "Let's go out a little earlier tonight because I'm only going to stay out until 12."

Synonyms: I am a boring bitch; I'm in my late 20s

"I'm just going to go to the pregame..."

What it means: I want to socialize while not wasting an outfit or calories on drinking

Why we use it: To make ourselves not seem as lame as we're actually being

Used in a sentence: "I don't care where we go tonight, I'm just going to the pregame."

Synonyms: I just want to make an appearance

"I don't normally do this..."

What it means: I do this kind of sh*t all the time, but don't want you to know that

Why we use it: To appear innocent

Used in a sentence: "Oh my, where did my shirt go? I don't normally do this."

Synonyms: This never happens

"I'm not taking any shots tonight..."

What it means: I blacked out for the entirety of last weekend and am not trying to make a fool of myself again

Why we use it: To put off taking shots until you inevitably succumb to peer pressure by your friends

Used in a sentence: "Yeah, I'm coming out tonight, but I'm not taking any shots"

Synonyms: I can't control myself

"I don't drink beer..."

What it means: I'm on a diet and I don't want to waste my carbs on that

Why we use it: So we can reject one carb right now for the better carb later (pizza)

Used in a sentence: "Im getting beer, what kind do you want?" "Oh, no thanks, I really want to lose three pounds, so I don't drink beer."

Synonyms: I'm gluten-free; I'm gluten-sensitive; I don't know what the f*ck gluten is, but apparently that's the beer get-out-of-jail-free card

"I did not just throw up in the bathroom..."

What it means: I totally threw up, but don't feel like going home yet

Why we use it: To distract our friends from our vomit breath

Used in a sentence: "The line was just really long, don't worry, I didn't just throw up."

Synonyms: I just dry heaved, I'm fine; Sometimes you just have to pull the trigger

"Your hair looks sexy pushed back..."

What it means: You are a sweaty, hot mess right now

Why we use it: To f*ck around with that blacked-out friend who keeps running her hand through her hair

Used in a sentence: "Oh yeah, Laura, just keep doing that -- it looks great, I swear."

Synonyms: Embrace the Jew Fro

"I didn't see your text..."

What it means: I definitely saw your text, but was having too much fun to respond

Why we use it: To defend ourselves from a very bad social faux-pas

Used in a sentence: "Omg! I'm so glad to see you here." "But I texted you..." "Omg! I'm so sorry. Look I just got it!"

Synonyms: I didn't really care if you showed up or not

"I just met the nicest girl in the bathroom..."

What it means: She gave me a tampon and didn't judge me

Why we use it: To explain why this random ass girl is now following around your group of friends

Used in a sentence: "Hey, Ashley, who's that girl buying us shots?" "I couldn't tell you her name, but she's the nicest girl I've ever met in a bathroom."

Synonyms: Look new friends!!!