We’ve all had dry spells in our relationships. It's a sexual, romantic drought that adds pounds of tension to our already stressed-out lives.
We have nights laying next to our partners when we think of initiating, but decide to save it for a different night, a different situation.
We forgot to shave our legs, have to walk the dog in the morning or have to re-watch that same episode of "Gilmore Girls" on Netflix.
The excuses can go on for days regarding why women decide not to have sex with their significant others, despite not understanding why their romantic lives are dried out.
Now, I am not saying sex equals love or implying I wasn’t ever in this position. I mean, I was the mayor of Dead Relationship Town, re-elected three times. I have had awful, terrible relationships when I would stare at the ceiling during sex, counting its cracks and bumps.
I felt like I had to do it -- it was a chore, a responsibility -- and I would resent my partner for it.
I would hold him at fault for not knowing my needs or meeting them, for bothering to try and initiate after a long, stressful day. Couldn’t he see I was exhausted and not in the mood?
Then, my relationship would end and I would be hurt, alone and miserable again. This process kept repeating for years until I finally realized I was destroying my sex life, all by myself.
Any of this sound familiar to you, ladies? If so, read on and may your love life prosper with good fortune.
1. You’re putting the p*ssy on a pedestal.
Ladies, I am right there with you. I wouldn’t want to have sex with a guy or girl who can’t figure out how to run a dishwasher, either, but punishing him or her by withholding sex or using it as a reward is not only detrimental to your relationship’s health, but also yours.
Sex releases numerous “feel-good” endorphins, boosts your immunity and sends out a series of hormones that help bond you to your partner post-orgasm.
There are plenty of other things you can hold over your significant other's head to make your point known, but sex shouldn’t be one of them. Sex should be a joyous act that brings you both together, not a reason for resentment.
Plus, I have found happy partners want do the things you want them to do; they really do want to make you happy, too. Win-win.
2. You’ve stopped taking care of yourself.
I think, at one point or another, we have all woken up, stumbled into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, thinking, “Where the f*ck did this all go wrong?”
I have tried to count the cellulite dimples on my thighs, only to lose count midway. There is nothing worse than feeling ashamed of your own, beautiful body and wanting to hide it in the dark, beneath the covers.
I mean, who would want to see you naked if you don’t even want to look at yourself, right?
The person you are with loves you for you — the good and the bad. But, one way to immediately boost your confidence is to simply take care of yourself.
It is hard to hate a body you are treating like a godly temple. So, go for a walk, take a spin class, eat a delicious breakfast and remind yourself you are a giant, flaming ball of sex appeal and anyone would be lucky to even be in the same room as you, let alone be with you.
4. You’re not communicating with your partner.
If I had a nickel for every time a girl talked about how bad sex is with her partner, I could retire to Dubai and buy 35 fully-loaded Bugatti’s.
Ladies, how is your partner supposed to know he or she is doing it wrong if you’re not talking about it? You can’t be shy about your needs. There is an awful stereotype about women having to be virginal and innocent with their sex lives.
Be whoever you are in your sex life. Are you wild? Be wild. Are you a slow and steady lover? Be that, then. You don’t have to be anyone you don’t want to be in the bedroom just because "50 Shades of Grey" claims otherwise.
If you want to try something, go for it, but communicate and talk with your partner until you are both comfortable with the idea. (I’ve heard my fair share of horror stories from guys, too, about fingers, buttholes and a whole lot of, "WTF ARE YOU DOING?")
So, talk, communicate, love. The end.
5. You’re not letting him watch porn.
Okay, so before I catch a lot of flak on this one, hear me out. I find much of the porn industry disgusting and dehumanizing. However, there’s a lot of porn that involves equality and a woman also receiving her, erm, “just desserts.”
That being said, women ought to allow men (and women) the freedom to browse and do what they please in their spare time. There are many fantasies floating around your partner's head and he or she may need an outlet to explore and acknowledge them.
Plus, on the bright side, he or she might learn a thing or two on how to take care of you better in the bedroom.
Still not comfortable with the idea of him or her watching porn? Cool, just communicate why it makes you uncomfortable, or just have sex every day and he or she won’t have the time/need to watch it, anyway. Voilà, problem solved.
6. You’re faking orgasms.
This is bad. This is so bad I am going to say it again: This is bad.
You should never fake an orgasm, no matter how embarrassed you might be by it. It’s even more embarrassing to realize your partner is faking an orgasm because it will lead you to think he or she loves that “weird, upside-down, leg over your head, loopy-loopy, I-feel-like-a-mutilated-octopus” sex position.
This, again, comes back to communicating what feels good for you. We are complicated creatures, so help each other navigate correctly and you’ll be golden.
7. Sex isn’t on your to-do list.
Women are intense, list-building creatures. We have PTA meetings, breakfasts to be cooked, yoga classes to hit, and a whole laundry list of sh*tty things to do on any given day beyond our nine-to-fives.
So, sex usually doesn’t land anywhere near the top of our priority lists. But, I promise you, make it a priority to have intimate time with your partner and everything else will seem like daisies and Reese’s cheesecake.
You will feel loved, supported and, most of all, satisfied.
8. You’re not trying anything new.
I'm not mandating you go out and buy butt-plugs or find a side-piece to bring into the bedroom with you (I mean, if that’s your thing, go for it).
I am saying you shouldn’t just be doing the “dead-fish” position at 8pm every Thursday because the kids are at the neighbors for the night or "Game of Thrones" isn’t on.
There should still be some magic with you and your other half, and sometimes, you need to get the ball rolling in the right direction.
You can try taking initiative, buying panties to make yourself feel sexy or randomly doing it on a Monday because why not? Sex, despite being a priority and on your to-do list, should not be a chore.
It should be an activity to which you look forward and with which you have fun.
Plus, there is something liberating and fun about wearing a matching pair of bra and panties to work or around the house.
It’s your own dirty little secret that, beneath your nasty pair of scrubs or uniform, is a lacy sex kitten just waiting to pounce.
9. You’re not making time for yourself.
Similar to what I said earlier, you need to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. How can you reason making time for someone else’s needs when you aren’t even taking care of your own?
Set aside an hour a day for yourself to do whatever you want — make it a priority! This can be anything: reading a novel, taking a bubble bath, going to SoulCycle, whatever. It just has to be about you and no one else.
It can’t be your son’s soccer game or daughter’s t-ball practice; this should be alone time for you to relax, unwind and appreciate your life.
It can be a glass of wine with a few friends, a phone call to your mother, anything that isn’t a chore that you will enjoy. I don’t care if it’s a mug of chamomile tea with your cat on the couch — chill the f*ck out and revel in the fact that this is your hour.
Ultimately, the entire point of this is to show you are in control of your own happiness and sex life. You have to make yourself a number-one priority to do (pun intended) because if you don't, who will take care of you?
If you can learn to take the time for yourself, communicate for yourself, enjoy yourself and express yourself, suddenly, your sex life and romantic life will be rekindled to the point that you won’t know how it ever wasn’t there in the first place.