Dry Spell: 75 Crazy Lies Girls Tell Themselves During A Sex Drought

by Ashley Fern

People lie to themselves on a daily basis, trying to convince themselves that their reality isn't as bad as it seems. Sometimes situations are out of our control and when that happens, the lies begin.

It's only natural to want to come up with certain rationalizations that downplay how unfortunate circumstances are, but sadly this doesn't change the reality.

Sure, it makes us temporarily feel better, but no matter how many excuses we come up with, we're still stuck in the situation. Take sex for example, since everyone's probably experienced some drought at one point or another.

Oh, you haven't? Well, F you, it must be nice living your life, now move along.

So for those of you who have been there, I'm sure you can relate to the following lies you tell yourself during this awful and unfulfilling dry spell.

1. Everyone knows that if it's been more than a year, your kill count just resets itself.

2. I'm getting tighter.

3. This is totally my choice.

4. I'm just practicing for marriage.

5. I don't need sex.

6. Netflix is a perfectly acceptable substitute.

7. I'm just getting to know myself better.

8. I'm really enjoying this time in my life.

9. My right hand is just fine.

10. I heard sex is bad for you anyway.

11. This will definitely get me into heaven.

12. I bet my ex isn't getting laid either.

13. This will totally make sex better in the long run.

14. I'm totally putting myself out there, I swear.

15. I'm just really picky.

16. New year, new me.

17. This will totally make up for that really wild summer.

18. My past speaks more than my present.

19. I just want people to see my personality.

20. I'm doing this of my own volition.

21. I'm trying to better other aspects of my life.

22. I'm focusing on my goals.

23. Ain't nobody got time for that.

24. I just want it to mean something.

25. I go to the gym enough anyway.

26. I'm looking for quality not quantity.

27. Not having sex is better than wearing a condom anyway.

28. I could be a monk.

29. Food orgasms definitely count.

30. It's not that great anyway.

31. I'm saving myself for the one.

32. I'm just doing me. Literally.

33. This is normal.

34. It happens to everyone at one point or another.

35. My parents would be so proud of me.

36. Now I can totally tell the next guy I'm a virgin.

37. This is good for me, now I don't have to deal with any of the drama that comes with sleeping with guys.

38. It'll make me focus on my career, hello Forbes' 30 under 30.

39. I'm just concentrating on my friends right now because they're waaaayyyy more important to me than mind-blowing, orgasmic, life-changing sex. Absolutely.

40. This will give me good karma for at least a few years.

41. This will make up for all of my past mistakes.

42. I'd rather not have to worry about contracting any STDs...

43. ...Or making sure I'm perfectly waxed.

44. This is the ideal time to figure out who I really am.

45. This definitely makes me a good person... somehow.

46. Whatever, I don't like to share my bed anyways...

47. ...Or my weed.

48. ...Or my blankets.

49. ...Or deal with men lingering the next morning.

50. Sex is the only reason I haven't been wearing my retainer since sophomore year; now I can take care of my teeth like Dr. Ruthberg always wanted for me.

51. I'd rather cuddle with my iPad anyway.

52. I never wanted to be on the pill anyway.

53. If I'm not on the pill, I can eat all the carbs I want again.

54. Great sex is never worth the risk of UTIs.

55. Now no one will tell me how to live my life ever again.

56. This is only temporary.

57. I could have sex with someone in five minutes if I just texted him.

58. I love my life like this.

59. Sex has nothing on kale.

60. Seamless can sustain me.

61. I don't believe in any physical activity.

62. All sex does is make my friends complain to one another.

63. Friends with benefits doesn't benefit anyone.

64.  I don't have a f*ck buddy because guys always catch feelings.

65. I can't eat sex.

66. My schedule is way too rigorous to be having sex anyway.

67. There are so many more things I would rather exert my energy on.

68. This has nothing to do with the fact that I can't even look at myself naked, let alone show someone else.

69. I'd rather have mozzarella sticks in and around my mouth.

70. I'm just so happy enjoying my own company.

71. I'm not depressed at all.

72. I pity all these women who are bothered with shaving, female maintenance and texting.

73. I don't even know if I like men.

74. It's because I like girls.

75. I could do this forever.