Let’s take a frightening walk down memory lane. Back to the 2000s when 50 Cent was still in the club and Nick and Jessica were the old Kimye.
It’s December. Hanukkah is around the corner and you are pining for some cool new sh*t to brag about in hebrew school.
Being a young JAP in the 2000s pretty much qualified you as basic. You had your uniform: Juicy pants, Steve Madden shoes, some poorly done version of straightened Jew fro hair and a Tiffany dog tag necklace that might as well have been a Star of David. B-A-S-I-C.
But, Hashem forbid that you didn’t have one of these items (or something equally as obvious), you were desperately asking for it for Hanukkah. Everything was “for Hanukkah.”
As early August, you were begging your mother to go into Abercrombie and buy you a jean skirt “for Hanukkah.” “I’ll wear it with tights in winter, I promise!”
We promise it’ll be fun. Here are the 15 basic gifts you got for Hanukkah in the 2000s.
1. A straightening iron
This pretty much secured your place in the "cool girl" group. You desperately needed an upgrade from the brush-attachment-blowdryer that never quite scorched your frizzies flat enough.
Straightening irons would forever change your life (don’t pretend like you don’t whip out that Chi still) and your hair’s integrity.
2. Juicy Couture sweats, preferably with writing on the ass
Juicy Couture sweats were the bitchy-rich-girl uniform of the 2000s, and we all desperately wanted in.
That “J” dangling from your half-zipped sweatshirt was practically haute-couture status. All you were missing was an actual butt.
3. Abercrombie something
A jean skirt? A jean skirt with a ruffle? A ruffled skirt with jean pockets? One of those tween-slut henleys that definitely required a tank-top underneath to be considered school appropriate?
Your only shot at nabbing an Abercrombie uniform was during Hanukkah, when you could Jewish guilt-trip your mom into stepping foot inside the loud store.
4. Bedazzled sidekick or RAZR
“But Mooooooom, Paris Hilton has one!” Which basically meant you needed one, too. Forever gone were the days of “The Simple Life.”
You wanted a cool cell phone so you could go over your texting limit trying to stay in touch with all of your camp friends.
5. Scratch that. Bedazzled EVERYTHING
Rhinestoned t-shirts. Rhinestoned Soffe shorts. Rhinestoned trucker hats. Rhinestoned friggin’ lollipops.
They actually manufactured a Bedazzler so that kids in the 2000s could look like cheap DIY hookers. And we loved it.
6. Platform flip flops
We’re taking you back with this one. Four words, one heinous shoe: Steve Madden mesh slides. We’re already recoiling in horror. Even worse? Those Rocket Dog sandals with rhinestones. In the 2000s, it was all about the bling bling.
7. Lacoste polo shirt
The combination of a polo shirt and developing breasts was not a good look. For Hanukkah in 2004, every girl got a uniboob. And every boy was forever confused about rectangular titties.
8. Gel pens
Yay! Now you can be super annoying and write on everyone’s hand to join the Pen15 club! It’s super exclusive... until summer camp.
9. Circle belts
They aren’t even real belts! They can’t fit through the loops! If they’re sold from a kiosk, you have to know they aren’t what they claim to be.
10. Tiffany dog tag necklace
Anything with “dog” and “necklace” should really be reconsidered as a viable fashion trend.
And yet, we begged our parents to selfishly shell out hundreds to let everyone know we belonged to Tiffany’s basic bitch club. Groupthink is scary.
11. Chinese slippers
But, why? Was it the glitter sequin thing? The awful noise they made when you walked? The awful stench of your feet afterwards? Why did we need shoes that made it harder to walk in?
12. Butterfly clips
So you could put 20 of them in your hair at a time and walk around with way too much confidence.
Sometimes I wonder -- how was I able to hook up with more boys in 8th grade with my hair full of cheap ugly clips than I am now, with a full-on Kim K blowout?
13. Urban Outfitters t-shirts
“Everyone loves a Jewish girl,” said only Jewish girls wearing that t-shirt. “Jesus is my homeboy” was sooo edgy back then.
Oh, to remember a time before they started manufacturing images of girls pulling tampons out of their vaginas. Life was much simpler then.
14. An iPod with Eminem / Ja Rule / Avril Lavigne downloaded on it
Those commercials were the best. So was “I’m Real.” Even though nothing on this list screams that you are.
15. Von Dutch hat
This was an unfortunate period in our nation’s fashion history. RIP Von Dutch hat. You will not be missed. Except maybe by Ashton Kutcher.
16. Honorable mentions:
Lancome juicy tubes Solos Tote bag Ashlee Simpson tickets Feather earrings (oof) Long, long sweater jackets (seriously, wtf?) Camouflage anything (which I will argue is still cool. Even if Missy Elliot isn’t around to tell us so.) T9 and unlimited text messaging Lizzie McGuire The OC soundtrack Giant flower pins DDR Dooney and Burke bags (gross). Livestrong bracelets. (Those still haven’t died yet for reasons we don’t know why.) SIMS